How do you go about sorting your life out?

[starsareshining]

I don't know whether this strictly fits into the relationships topic, but I've seen some very good advice given on related subjects. I am really struggling with things. Probably coping better than I have been, but I know that I'm not happy and don't really know what to do. I know that other people on these boards have been through a lot worse but I really, really, really need to talk to someone.

I think I'm going to have to give some history here. I'll try to keep it brief but there's quite a bit to explain.

So, whilst at school (only left about 6 years ago so still fairly relevant), I was a very high achiever and seemingly destined to go far :)

I had the odd weird thing, but mainly put it down to being an awkward teenager. Felt very depressed for the first time at around fifteen but felt better after a while. Seemed to be an annual thing so thought I may have SAD.

Then, when I went to sixth form, I just went a bit mad. I can't even explain a lot of what happened because it is not at all rational. I became pretty obsessive about things/people and seemed unable to control my emotions at all. Didn't know how to interact with people in a normal way (although I didn't realise that at the time) and would often come across as odd. Was sometimes very manic and sometimes didn't feel as though I was really there. Like I knew I was physically there but didn't feel as though I was actually experiencing things. I lost a lot of weight and became very thin (wanted to be pretty so that people would like me). Ended up passing out a lot. I never had an eating disorder but it made me feel good to know that I could control myself like that and all of those other weak people couldn't.

I had a boyfriend and I think this brought out a lot of things. I would become very angry, very quickly and physically hit him. One particularly shameful moment was when I attempted to hit him and he held my arms back, so I then resorted to headbutting and biting. I actually can't believe that I did that. There wasn't even any real reason for it. I remember feeling a bit mad. Hot, sweaty and insane. I would accuse him of looking at or even thinking about other women and was completely preoccupied with it. By the end, he wasn't really allowed to talk about other women at all. Then, at other times, I could be utterly charming. Really lovely, charming young lady. I had quite a male following and encouraged this as though it was a game. I really did view it as a game and quite a few people were hurt. I often still have to remind myself to be nice to my partner and sometimes, the realisation that he isn't me, but is a seperate person, hits me and amazes me. I find it difficult to sympathise with other people, yet at times, find myself reduced to tears by almost nothing.

I often don't feel as though I have a personality, but am acting a part depending on who I'm with. A real worry of mine used to be bumping into two people at the same time and not knowing which person to be. People say 'just be yourself' and I can't, because that doesn't seem to exist for me. I don't know how to act naturally. I no longer have any friends. When I did meet 'friends', I'd find it very difficult to look past any of their weaknesses. I feel let down by most people I come across. I also couldn't have a conversation without analysing everything they'd said immediately after they'd said it. I think I judge people before I've even spoken to them, even though I walk into a room with the idea in my head that I'm not as good as them and somehow have to get people to like me. But if I'm in another mood, I know that the people I'm with will love me. It's almost like I can put on this 'thing' and I can see the effect I'm having on other people. It sounds really strange (it all sounds strange actually) and big headed to say that, but it's true. After meeting the brother of a friend one night, he told his brother (in a half jokey way) that I was the perfect woman and he thought he might be in love with me. Then, if I'm having to keep that up for a while, I can become very tired with it, lose energy and lose the energy to continue conversation, so just become quite sullen and silent.

My moods are all over the place. A few weeks ago, I was feeling incredibly happy. I was on holiday and just feeling carefree, wonderful.. I can't explain it. A wonderful sense of feeling calm and everything being relaxed and being surrounded by kind and lovely people (I was only walking around Asda). I then saw the face of the checkout woman and everything just felt wrong. It was as though my whole perception of the world changed in an instant. I wanted to leave, felt unwelcome and a bit fearful. Like my perfect world had been wrecked. She wasn't even doing anything noticeable.

When I went to uni, things got quite a bit worse. My boyfriend split up with me (and I can now see exactly why although had no idea at the time) and I just went downhill. I often didn't feel as though I was experiencing things as though they were real and ended up coming out with a lot of strange things because I couldn't think normally. Started to not bother to get up in the morning, would just stay in bed all day (still lived at home with my parents so had to lie perfectly still and silent in my bed as dad finshed work in the afternoon) and was desperate for people to like me. Ended up 'going out' with someone I barely knew and didn't like. I thought that would make everything better but, of course, it didn't. I started to wonder whether I was actually a real person and sometimes felt that I might be invisible or only half there.

University requested that I have counselling with the university counsellor but I didn't. Everything felt completely wrong and I hated myself. Got another boyfriend and (I've never admitted this to anybody before and am nervous about saying this) had unprotected sex every day. I also hated him and he was horrible to me. I didn't want to talk to him and we had absolutely nothing in common. He's very stupid and boring. I knew that I would end up getting pregnant but I wasn't sure that any of it was real anyway. I didn't quite believe that my actions had consequences. Obviously, I became pregnant and still, didn't think that any of it was quite real. (Please don't hate me for saying that, I know how bad it is and never, ever admit how/why I got pregnant to anybody because I know they'll think I'm disgusting).

Obviously, I am now a parent and I think I've toned down a lot of the things. It's not quite as bad anymore, but I definitely don't feel normal. I just want to feel normal and content instead of wrong and confused about absolutely everything. I can't even think about something without questioning it and worrying about it and thinking that I'm wrong/lying to myself. I mentioned to my partner that I have a lot of the traits of a person with BPD but he told me that he didn't think I had anything to worry about. I still do though. I am still worried. Every day, I give some thought to why I'm feeling the way I am, and it's always different. Some stupid excuse. I just want to be able to think normally again. I know that I wasn't like this when I was younger. I definitely did have a real personality and I was a real person who loved life.

I've probably gone into too much detail in some areas and missed out other things. It's difficult to get it all out. I think one of the most surprising things is that my family don't realise how I'm feeling at all. And I'd never tell them. I'm very good at putting on an act and brushing everything off as a joke. People were concerned about me before I became pregnant and I convinced everybody that everything was fine and I was really happy and great. Everything was all jokey and nice. Ugh. I didn't even feel like a real person.

I'm sorry that this is so long but I'm desperate to talk to people. I want to get back to feeling ok and I can't cope with all of this on my own. I know that people are shocked when they realise that I'm just a young mother because everybody expected me to do so well. I don't know what to do anymore. I know that I'm not feeling extremely bad at the moment but I don't think that means that I won't in the future. I'm sorry if any of this sounds terrible. I just need to be honest with a bunch of strangers :)

At the moment there is a link on the new stately homes thread which it may be useful, although difficult, for you to read. Serendipity if you will...it's appeared today, as have you.

I am sorry you have had so many problems.

Pete-walker.com

I have tried to post a link but my connection keeps dropping out....I hope you find it.

Oh stars, it sounds like you've been through an awful lot. I'm not sure that I'm in a very good position to advise tbh, but objectively I would say it sounds like some kind of depression situation. I've seen friends suffer with BPD before, and I wouldn't rule that out either, but I'm not a medical professional, so I'm not going to pretend otherwise. I do think you should visit the doctors, don't assume they will medicate you or anything like that, they may just be able to help you put a name on what's going on.

None of it sounds terrible, don't you worry :). People get pregnant in a million different circumstances and none of what you have said is shocking to me at all.

Keep writing, I'm sure others will be along to write back to you soon :). x

I appreciate you sending the link, but don't really understand what it is that I'm looking at...

Please don't say that you're sorry for what I've been through because, in truth, I haven't actually been through anything. There is no reason for me to feel the way that I do. Other people actually have real problems to deal with and I am even feeling slightly silly/guilty for posting this now.

I always think 'Yes, I will see the doctor' and never do it. I think my doctor thinks that I'm a nice, capable young mother and always seems pleased to see me and talk to me. I'd hate to walk in there and let him know that I'm actually rubbish.

Some days, I wake up feeling absolutely great for no real reason. Then I think, oh, I'm probably imagining it all. But then, a few days ago, somebody knocked on my door. That always worries me, so I hid and slowly peeked through the window. It was a man I didn't recognise. He went away after a minute or so, but I still couldn't slow my breathing or slow my heartrate. I then became convinced that a car parked down the road was watching me so I got my son and crawled up the stairs so they wouldn't be able to see us. We stayed up there being quiet for a while. About a week ago, I saw a man walking down the road and had this horrible feeling that he was coming after me. I ran to the door and locked it and closed all of the blinds. Of course, he jus walked straight past my house but I had such a feeling of horror when I saw him. Things like that then get me back to feeling that things aren't really ok. I know it's silly and there is no reason for a stranger to break into my house and kill me, but at the time I just feel terrified. I don't want to think like that anymore :(

Okay more information....you have been through a lot. Just because there is no 'base event' that seems to have caused this, doesn't mean you haven't suffered all the same. You need to stop dismissing your problems just because you don't think they are as bad as other people's. It's all relative to the person and the circumstance.

You very much need to go see a doctor. You can't live with this paranoia. It will wear you down even more than it has already. Please don't think they will dismiss you, they are there for you to see at times like this.

There is nothing 'wrong' with you stars, you are not 'rubbish' in anyway shape or form. I have no medical / psychological background whatsoever, but I suspect you may have some from of bi-polar disorder. Please see your doctor and tell them what you have told us, perhaps even print out this thread, and find out for sure. That way you can get the help and support you need.

Agree with the others - I think you need to see a Dr

I'm a mental health nurse, and I recognise aspects of your post which suggest that you are struggling to cope together with being scared of reaching out for help. You have been doing a lot of self-analysing and soul searching, and I honestly think that it's time for a professional person to help you, bu you are extremely hard on yourself and I get an impression that you don't feel you deserve to be helped. Wrong - you do! You really do and I know that taking that first step is difficult, but seeing a doctor would be a very positive move. Please, forget about what a doctor expects from you, there is nothing they haven't seen or dealt with before. Print off your OP if you want, and take to them, just go. I think there is a lot of help for you available, and you just need to focus on making the first move. See a GP please.

Thanks for all of your replies. Sorry for resurrecting this thread a few days later, my home internet has broken. I don't really know what to say now though.

I'd hate for people to think that I can't cope. It isn't that I can't cope with my son, I don't think any of this really affects him because I am quite careful to be a good mom. I love him very much. When I'm out and about, I do feel that I have to 'act' like a mom. I have to become my mom self. I don't know how normal that is becuase I don't know any other parents. I'd assume that it's fairly normal to want to come across as a good parent in public but I sometimes feel as though I'm putting on a show for people, bringing out the mom character. Then I wonder whether I really am a good mom or I'm just acting the way I feel I ought to in front of others. I can't even have a simple thought without then questioning it and wondering whether I'm lying to myself. I sometimes wonder whether my entire problem is simply that I think too much and that's it.

I also don't want anybody to know what's going on in my life. I wouldn't like to tell my family and I don't know how I could go to get medical help without letting them know. I keep hoping that I'll just feel better: make some friends, get out more, feel relaxed, but then I don't know how to go about achieving those things.

I also don't want to have something like this on my medical record. What would actually happen if I saw a doctor? I'd like to get a respectable job at some point and don't want to ruin my future career by doing this. They wouldn't touch me with a barge pole. Can companies even view your medical records? I don't know. It's very worrying. Would they think that I'm an unfit mother? I do think that I'm ok. I don't have much to compare to. Externally, I probably seem like a completely normal mother.

My next door neighbour unexpectedly came to my house yesterday to ask if her children could pick some apples from my tree. I was still in my pyjamas (we were having a lazy day) and it took hours for me to feel normal again. I do not invite people to my house and, although I obviously said "Oh yes, that's fine", I felt as though she'd invaded my house and forced herself into my life. I was actually shaking afterwards and couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. What she must have thought of me. I know that her comments/actions probably meant nothing to her but I couldn't stop going over it in my head. Now I don't even want to go into my garden in case she sees me. I feel like I have to concoct a funny story/apology so she doesn't think I'm odd.

I just don't know how I can be saying all of this stuff whilst sitting in the living room of my parents house and acting completely normally. Being jolly almost.

I'm sorry that I'm going on so much, I don't really have anyone else to say these things to. Do you think I'd be better posting something in the mental health topic? It doesn't seem serious enough to warrant a post in that topic!

Hello :) I think the fact that you are so concerned about coming across to others as a coper, and are worried about what your doctor will think of you, are symptoms. Your posts are fantastically perceptive & self-aware: congratulations on coming this far! However, while most people are nervous about telling their doctor they suspect a mental health problem - I had to try twice - there's a real fear about it in your posts. I think that's your condition talking.

You can get better and/or learn how to be happier within yourself. Would you feel a bit more confident about going to the doctor, if you had some idea of what might be wrong & what to say? How about calling Mind. They have helplines by phone and email, plus there's a wealth of information on their website.
www.mind.org.uk/help/information_and_advice

I had psychotic episodes in my late teens & early twenties. I now know what they were, and why my brain was shorting out, but didn't at the time. I just found myself rather odd! I can't recommend getting expert help strongly enough. Don't "cope" for as long as I did; my life wasn't bad before then but it could have been many, many times happier.

Take care of your self :)

You are being hard on yourself, and trying to go it alone will wear you out and compound your problems.

I think you do have problems, and you don't deserve them, and you have done nothing to bring them upon yourself, and you don't have to live with them -- they can be treated, and your life can be far better than it is now.

Please tell your DP that you seriously want to talk with someone about all of this print out your OP and your posts on this thread, and ask for an appointment with your GP. It is not the end of the world to receive a psychiatric diagnosis it is the opposite, the beginning of a much better life for you and for your son and DP. Cross the bridges of the future (job, etc) when you come to them and when you will be in far better shape to deal with them. You will not be able for any of what you desire if you don't go and seek help.

I can only admire your honesty and your insight into your own feelings and behaviour. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to fear (really) from the help of a doctor, and much to gain. I also see in your OP a desire to be the best you can be, to be a good mum, and to live up to your potential, plus your pain knowing that you don't feel you are doing this right now. There's no shame in seeking help when you've gone as far as you could alone.

Thanks again for your replies! I feel like I'm probably irritating everyone because this boring, long winded post keeps resurfacing.

I am very aware of my feelings because I'm always thinking about them and asking myself how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way. I am incredibly worried about going to see the doctor. I feel like an attention seeker. I am actually really worried that I'm just fine and all of this is some pathetic attempt at getting people's attention. I do write in a diary when my thoughts are getting difficult to deal with but then I can't bear to read it back afterwards. It's all so crudely written and sounds like the diary of a silly, angsty teenager. I actually threw away five diaries because I couldn't bear to see what I'd written and worried that people would read them if I died. I couldn't imagine myself saying those things out loud to a doctor.

I did force myself to see my GP when I was eighteen and I felt so ashamed and embarrassed about it all. I started crying when I tried to tell him and thought he'd think I was an idiot. He told me that he could see I was very 'down', gave me a questionnaire to fill in and told me that I'd either be medicated or offered counselling. I never went through with any of it though. I'm very concerned that what I'm thinking is entirely normal and I'm just going on about it and exaggerating it all.

I've spent lots of time reading about things and trying to understand what is going on, but I can't exactly diagnose myself. I'm not even sure that I could be 'diagnosed' with anything, it could be that I'm just an idiot and there's absolutely nothing wrong. Part of this worry has probably come from meeting lots of silly, teenage girls who are desperate to be 'different' and claim to have various mental problems as a way of gaining attention. One in particular just loved talking about all of her 'problems' and had to loudly announce to everybody that she had to see a counsellor as she was mental (usually followed by something else 'controversial'). Very proud of it and desperate for people to hear it. I can't stand that sort of attention seeking and assume that people think that of me whenever I mention things.

I have told my partner many, many things and I don't think he really knows what to say about it anymore. He does tell me to see a doctor, but then I don't know how seriously he's taking it. I struggle to talk about it in a serious way because it all sounds so melodramatic, so to counter that, I'm constantly making jokes about the things I've said and making it all sound quite light hearted :(

I know that you've all already told me to see a doctor, but I'm still not convinced that it's necessary. I don't know. I'd feel like a fraud, sitting there and saying 'Well, I feel fine now and think I might just be thinking about things too much, but.....'. And does anybody know about whether it would affect future job applications? Even if I only spoke to my GP about it and nothing else happened? I'm worried about what they'll write on my medical record. My doctor thought it was necessary to write that I hadn't been on the pill because I hadn't been having sex and now I was. I was quite embarrassed when I saw that! And the worry about telling my family is that I don't want them involved in it. I don't like to tell them too much and I couldn't bear to have them involved in something like that, but I'd have no choice because they'd have to babysit for me (my relationship is fairly long distance and we only see each other on weekends etc).

It's been a real relief to be able to write all of this out though. And to actually tell people specific things that have been happening. I find it difficult to judge whether or not I'm being weird. It feels like my understanding of everything has been warped so I don't trust my judgement anymore. I phoned my partner in the middle of the night a few days ago, crying because I 'felt like a TV character'. I couldn't really give much more of an explanation than that. My room felt alien and as though it had all changed and I didn't know it anymore. I felt like waking my son up so that I'd see that it was all real and be able to feel like I was properly in my own life again. But then I didn't want to wake him up and thought, well, that obviously means that I know it's all real or I wouldn't be worried about waking him! And I thought that I was probably just making it all up and being a drama queen. I felt better the next morning (and made jokes about it to my partner) and now don't know whether it's fine or not. I was quite tired and have had a bit of a cold. So maybe it was down to that? I can't really tell anymore and it's not as though I can walk around asking people how their minds work.

I just wish that I could be certain of something before actually seeing someone about it. I think I might be wasting their time and come away from it all feeling very silly.

You sound ever so much like the younger me :)
Look, I muddled through okay most of the time but I will tell you I created an enormous amount of problems for myself - in ways that I can only see now, looking back. You've got 30 or so years on me; you could start work on "sorting it out" and live far more happily, and be more fulfilled, for the rest of your long life ahead.

Most people do not feel this complicated. I don't know what you do for a living - having 'different wiring' can be a powerful creative resource. Many artists still need psychotherapy, however, to access their creativity usefully. I know exactly what you mean about your diaries! I've thrown half a forest of mine away: all wonderfully expressive writing with no structure or message. Therapy could have led me into making the works I really wanted.

Nobody can diagnose you on an internet forum! There's also a logistical difficulty in trying to diagnose & treat yourself - the mind you are using, to evaluate the issue, is the same mind you're trying to evaluate! You can go round in everlasting circles that way and, indeed, I did.

Psychotherapy is a fascinating process; the insight it gives you into the ways other people act is amazing. I still find it a struggle to apply what I'm learning to myself. But, importantly, my feelings about being me have changed very positively. I'll get to where I'm heading, eventually ...
This will be a lot quicker for you, because you're so much younger.

Of course it's up to you what to do - I'm happy that writing some of it down here has helped. I'd recommend writing a letter for your doctor. I'd advise NOT holding back - GPs have seen weirdnesses beyond any pale, so there's no way he'll find you strange! Real honesty can help him identify what the real issues might be, and put you in touch with the right kind of expert.

Good luck, whatever you do. x

------

ps: Here are some lines from my 'definitive' poem. I wrote it when I was 19. I still feel like this sometimes, but knowing why I do makes a world of difference!

"Speak to yourself as one to another; see the world outside through a TV screen. Laugh with your friends, call up your mother. Reality borders on worlds you have seen.
"Who are you, are you me? Our reflection's reversed; a dream of reality, a thin line's dissolved. The image has cracked, a bubble has burst. Your soul has an outline that can't be resolved."

That "through the Tv screen" is called dissociation. Everybody gets it from time to time, but not as much as you or me. It is the probable cause of that "been here before" feeling. It makes me feel as if I'm not quite here, iyswim.

That "been here before" feeling = deja vu. (Couldn't think of it at the time!)
Have you tried any grounding exercises for when you feel dissociated? They do sometimes work. Here's a link some easy Indian ones that you do with your hands, called Mudras.

Thank you so much for continuing to reply, some of what you've posted has been a real eye opener to me.

I don't do anything for a living. I want that to change but it's not currently possible. What you said about creativity and 'different wiring' made me laugh though. I can barely string a sentence together, but was at music college, training to become a classical violinist. I had to leave the course when I became pregnant as 6 hours of daily practice doesn't mix well with a newborn. It absolutely kills me. I try not to mention it too much to other people because I feel a bit like I could burst into tears at any moment! I do still play piano with my son, but it's not the same. He's only two so and is not interested in anything non Disney :) Music was the best thing in my life and it was very good to be able to shut off from everything else for hours at a time.

I understand all of the things you're saying, but I still feel that maybe it doesn't apply to me. I don't know. I wasn't even aware that there was a name for those feelings. That's actually cleared a lot of things up for me. Whilst at uni, a girl approached me and asked whether I'd been diagonsed with depression. I said no but she told me that she'd noticed a few things about me. She also asked if I had dissociative episodes, and again, I said no, not knowing what they were. At the time I was seeing everything through a fog. I didn't even pay much attention to what she was saying. I really wish I had now. She was a lovely girl and I think she was trying to help me. I'm actually quite shocked by the realisation that she could see exactly what was going on I usually end up sitting on the floor when I feel out of it. It sometimes helps but isn't possible outside of my own house. I didn't know that there were any exercises. I'll be making use of those now.

I hope you don't mind that I'm still replying to your posts. I feel a bit guilty for taking up your time.

I said this earlier, but you are so hard on yourself, and there is no need to be. You apologise for your posts, and your last words above "I feel a bit guilty for taking up your time", says it all. We read your thread because we are interested, you are as worthy as anybody else. I urge you to stop the self analysing, and to let a doctor do their job. They will decide if you need help. It's their job, and you are as worthy as the next person - you deserve an appointment, you deserve to be listened to, and you deserve to be helped. Don't think too far ahead, about jobs and things - just see a doctor, don't think about it, just do it, and if you don't feel you can articulate your worries, then write them down - you write well. Please, I'm not having a go at you, but I think you overthink things too much and then you can't see the woods for the trees. Please see a doctor - you really are worth it! Good luck.

Good lord, don't feel guilty. Lots of us, here, have been through processes like the one you're just beginning. Since we invariably began by feeling there's something "less" about us, we know just how important it is to help you realise there isn't! For one thing, all human 'states of being' are points on a continuum. Everybody moves back & forth along it - several times a day. Next, therapy gives you the awareness and ability to choose how you will move from state to state - this is something very few people learn (in 'western' cultures, anyway) so it's a privilege really.

Therapists guide you towards a better understanding of yourself and your life. If you look up neural pathways, you'll see that the brain forms shortcuts - the pathways - throughout life. Whenever you repeat a pattern of actions, thoughts, and the like, you brain forms a pathway to make it automatic. This is a physical process, but its origins and effects are in what we call the mind ... umm, still with me? The process saves you having to think about the way to the shop: you've formed a neural pathway for it, so one part of your mind gets you to the shop on "automatic", leaving the rest of it free for other stuff.

When you learned to play violin, all that practice etched deep pathways on your brain. Your violin pathways are probably visible! (not that I'd recommend looking, heh)
Therapy helps you identify unhelpful patterns that you didn't even know you had, smooth them over & create new ones :) I like to think of it as driving up the M1. While you're on the motorway, you're only vaguely aware of towns and villages to either side, and have no idea what they're like or how to get there - you're on the M1, and that's that. A therapist is like having someone in the car with you, who can say "There's a beautiful place over there, take the next exit and I'll give you directions."

Is this making any sense?

And what saffysmum said. Of course you ARE worth an effort, and you write far better than you give yourself credit for. Plus, actually, antidepressants do help and that's a change you can make without any effort at all ... why not see what your doc says?

Dont know if you can relate to this Star {if not just disregard },but i read this thing about "Highly Sensitive People" last year and it seemed to connect with me,its a phd in USA that has studied it and basically she looks on it as being a gift,but in society we are often told we are being "too sensitive" about a situation because we react differently ,overanalyse are pationate about something.Instead she says it is a gift a positive and we shouldnt apologise for it,all our senses are heightened more receptive{also a book about raising highly sensitive children}I had constantly gone thru my life as been affected by other peoples moods and opinions and needing reassurance i was doin it right ,but all that happened was i lost who i actually was and didnt trust my own decisions at all ended up in a real negative place ,then people would say when i got there ,the problem with you is your too sensitive ,so then it would all start again trying to be someone else so i could cope with life.Anyway now i think i am amazing because when anyone tells me i am too sensitive{by the way most of these people are quite dull ,i dont think they experience half what i see in a day}i say yes it is a gift ,my receptors are more highly tuned to yours LOL!Honestly i do i tell them it is a huge positive that people have tried to make negative all my life but what would they know.Thing is i also had counselling like Grace mentioned that has made it much more positive ie i dont analyse the negatives ie your lady in ASDA ,she was probably having a shit day ,maybe shes always like that but basically you will learn how to not let other peoples negative energies affect you.You will learn the real you and have love for how wonderful you are,what a true gift to be musical ,does it help to release repressed emotions playing classical piano ,i would love to bang out an emotional piece after a bad day .Im sure your wee one will love it when mummy can play for him when you are in a calmer place.I also spend a lot of my time taking a calmer path ,i have changed my lifestyle quite radically,started doing tai chi and loving it.First thing my counsellor noticed was i had never had any real support in my life at any time and this exacerbated my anxiety and subsequent lifestyle choices.I went to counselling last year to break the cycle for my dcs.I thought i am an intelligent woman why am i affected so much by other peoples opinions ,why at nearly 40yo do i take things so personally.I have changed that ,gotten to know ME better and worked on my self esteem.It has changed my life ,strengthened my inner self ,the outside world is starting to see the person i always knew i was but didnt feel i should be,instead i celebrate the traits i have,i allow myself to love myself much more consistently than i would have ever allowed myself b4,always ended up in some black hole because of something random in my day.Lots of luck on your journey it will be truly liberating x