Oh God, you have only been here five minutes!

[shimmerysilverglitter]

This is what my Mum said to my dc 7 and 3 when we went to visit them at the weekend. They ran upstairs to their bedroom, so excited to be there and were looking out the window. The nets came down. They came and told me and my Mum stormed up there and said that in a really uptight voice. My kids looked really worried so I said brightly "Say sorry to Grandma kids but it's ok I know you didn't mean it".

We have a fairly strained relationship, thought it had got better recently but she is very difficult and always trying to get the relationship back on her terms iyswim? She was very abusive to me as a I grew up, I was ridiculed, called a failure and verbally and physically abused right up until about 18. I cut all ties with her when my dc were born as I could see she was starting to try to get those kind of behaviours accepted with regard to them - mocking my parenting, saying how badly brought up ds was etc.

It just really bugged me that she said that to my dc and I am wondering if I am just being over sensitive or it actually was quite nasty. I don't like this implication that my children are horribly badly behaved and it starts as soon as they walk though the door iyswim? Any thoughts?

Oh my God.... I could write the same. My mother has favourites and missions, at the moment my oldest (who can be very mean) gets the brunt of her vitriol and my niece, who is uber cute and that perfect age, gets all of her smiles and attention.

I don't think you are being any more sensitive than you should be, with your history you probably recognise her behaviours better than anyone else.

so, why did you start up contact with her again?

I would have packed them up and left at that point, frankly.

Because she contacted me with a birthday gift for dd and sent me some lovely photos she had taken of her and then rang to apologise for everything that had gone on with ds. It seemed mean not to get back in touch. I must say this is the longest she has gone being pleasant before slipping so so I really thought that my amazing dc had helped her have a personality transplant!

Perhaps you should start meeting up for coffee instead. At least then you can all bugger off if it gets heated.

Oh thank you Posy and wmmc. I should have shouldn't I, packed up and left I mean. I really wanted to but I have spent so many years being told I am too sensitive, to get over it, get a soh etc so I don't think my boundaries are where they should be. I usually compare her to my MIL who while a bit of a PITA to me, adores my kids and would NEVER say something like that to them.

Shes doing to them what she did to you! cut contact or meet in a neutral place. better off her turf. You dont want your kids beaten down by her!

My kids looked so worried and scared as well, like they had done something awful. I so remember that overreaction and feeling so guilty when I was a child.

The answer to 'get a sense of humour' is 'get a sense of respect' and to leave immediately.

You would be doing the right thing to make any meetings of the lot of you on neutral ground and preferably for short periods. Or only see her where she will be under social pressure to be nice. I have a mate who will only let her MiL come round when she goes to the toddler group and they meet there and leave separately because it forces her MiL to be civil and either can go home when they drive each other demented (circa 1 hour in usually)

shimmery. You are a survivor and that means you carry lots of guilt entwined with hope that she'll be different with your dcs. It is rather doomed to fail as a) you know this woman all too well and b) even the most kind soul gets a mother's back up when they're mean to their offspring! I would keep contact but limited and in a neutral setting.

Yes, thanks. Won't go back for a while thats for sure, I think it was quite a shock to dc as she is usually on best behaviour with them, I think to prove that she is in fact a wonderful person and my problems with my childhood are all in my own head.

I thought I would get flamed actually as in don't expect people to love your kids as much as you do etc etc etc. It wasn't that though, you would have to know her to understand it iyswim? I have a very heightened radar for this kind of thing where she is concerned. She is very clever at being horrid and making me look over-sensitive.

I almost feel that she is beginning the slow, slow process of getting me and my kids back to where she wants us, a few little things have happened now, would sound nuts if I said them on here though.

I think you can be polite if she send gifts etc, let her know how the kids are doing via txt / phone. But the best thing is to tell her you are closing contact between her and the kids, (and yourself if she is still abusive to you) and to tell her WHY. She needs to know that her behaviour is abusive and rude. Its bullying.
It must be so hard as it is your mum. My friend did this a few months ago with her mum as she was manipulative and controlling, and insulting / putting down her new boyfriend.. and talking about them behind my friends back. She closed off contact with her mum and so she doesnt get to see her granddaughter anymore. Its about protecting the kids from seeing this as 'normal' behaviour. I'm sure you dont want the same for your kids as you experienced. I know how hard it is though, as its blood family.....

She really has been on her very best behaviour for over a year now. Why can't they ever just stay nice? I don't think I CAN cut contact right now that for that little thing, think I just need to strenuously nip it in the bud and let her know I have noticed it. So eg when she next asks when we are coming to visit I will say "not sure if its a good idea actually as you seemed terribly stressed when the kids pulled the nets down, and I think us being there overnight is quite tiring for you". She will know what I mean and hopefully rein herself back in.