My sister is an alcoholic

[Mamafoof]

Hi there
I could really do with some help as this is tearing me and my family apart. My sister is an alcoholic. She has been for 8 years now and she is only 26. The problem is chronic. She goes for 2-3 days without a drink (although she is suffering from the effects of the last binge) and then has a terrible binge for the next 3-4 days on vodka, wine, terrorising my parents, creating an awful mess, incoherent etc. She has lost nearly all of her jobs due to this problem. She is like a totally different person when she's drink - it's scary. When she's sober, she is the most wonderful, kind loving, ridiculously generous, funny and intelligent person you have ever met. I have spent years trying to figure out why this happened. I am her older sister and I guess I used to tease her alot but we were always so close. One time, when we were teens, I even said to her that alcohol gives you dutch courage on a night out - can you believe i said that?? Now I'm worried that I am to blame.
Anyway, I am one of those people that just can't switch off. I can't fully enjoy things as I feel guilty that she has this problem and not me. I feel guilty that i am in a loving relationship with a beautiful little girl and a job and she has nothing but this problem. I have tried talking and talking to her. When she is drunk, it brings out the worst in me and I scream and shout and say awful things - only when she's drunk though. I hate myself for it and then end up taking it out on my husband. Recently, I have broken off all contact with her as i'm worried my moods will have an effect on my daughter.

I guess my question is - am i horrible for giving up on her and not talking to her anymore? it's more about self preservation as i just can't bear it anymore. but everytime i speak to her when she's sober we get on so well and then when she drinks, everything comes crashing down and i can't bear it. but surely she needs me in times like these? don't know what to do so would be grateful for any thoughts. thanks x

Hello, I did not want this to go unanswered. What a nightmare for you all. Unfortunately I am the alcoholic in my family so I don't really have any advice other than please contact Al-Anon. They offer support to friends and family of alcoholics. Please do not feel guilty that you do not have the same issue. I think that you need to think of yourself and what's best for you. If that means no contact then do it.

You are not to blame.

Thanks for the post RedMoomin. I should go see AlAnon but it's hard when you've got a little one but I will try. Thanks again - I appreciate it.

What a horrible situation for you. I had a friend who drank, and was not allowed to her parents' house when she was drinking. She was awful with a sniff of alcohol, and anyone who thought they could cope with it was just plain wrong.

Alcoholics are not usually happy people, and your sister may need medical help to detox, and a lot of psychological support to deal with the 'why?'.

The decisions that your sister makes are entirely out of your control. There is no reason why you should support drunken and destructive behaviour. In fact you may be making it worse.

I have a brother who self-medicates with alcohol. I do not see him or speak to him enough to know if he is an alcoholic, but I have seen him drink like one. He refuses to help himself in any sensible way, and I think he likes basking in the attention he gets from behaving appallingly and marrying a witch. His behaviour gets attention.

Have you been in touch with AlAnon? They may be able to help you.

There are some posters around who have experienced what you are going through hopefully they will arrive soon.

Just remember: you are NOT to blame, you canNOT fix her, you are NOT responsible for her.

I wish you all the best x

So sorry you are going through this, it is hideous and can be all-consuming.

I would second Al-Anon. It is full of people who really know what you are going through, will not judge you and will give you the time and space to work out how you can cope with this.
For DH and I they enabled us to assess our situation in relation to the alcoholic in the family and helped us to see that what we needed to do (ie reduce our input drastically as, like you, it was affecting our family-life too much) was right for us.

Don't worry about the slight 'culty' side of the meetings (that's how I found it anyway!) the feeling of finally being with people who understand is worth its weight in gold.

Good luck

Oh poor you, this is a horrible situation to be in. I'm the (adult) daughter of an alcoholic and I know how much this can tear a family up.

The problem with helping your sister is that the old cliche is true, unless she is ready to help herself, nothing and no one can get her there.

You are not to blame and you have not done the wrong thing in cutting her out. You have to put yourself and your little family unit above all else, and unfortunately, your sister is a toxic influence on that when she is drinking. With that in mind, what other decision could you have possibly made?

If/when she is ready to get help, be there for her. Until then, you may have to give her the cold shoulder. It's not cruel and it's not wrong, like you say, it's self preservation. You are a good person, please remember this.

P.S. I have absolutely no contact with my father now, which hurts sometimes, but I can't have him around my DD (due this year) and I frankly can't have him around myself either, I would lose my mind. The difficulty in cutting these people out is that it genuinely stings because they desperately need help. Keep telling yourself, over and over, you can't help your sister until she is ready to help herself. She must see the problem before other people can help her over it.

You are a very good sister for helping thus far, but you must put yourself first now.

thank you so much for your posts. it realy helps to be able to talk to people so am sure alanon will help. sometimes i find it hard to talk to dh as i don't think he understands. he blames my sister but i know that it's not her - it's the horrible disease. i just wish that she would realise how much she is hurting herself, let alone my parents. i get frustrated with my parents as they sometimes give her money, act like her taxi driver but at the same time, it must be so tough to be cruel to your daughter. i look back on the good times and can't believe it's come to this. i know it's not her fault but i can't help being mad at her. thanks again for listening. really good of you to post xx

thanks lucyloulou. must be hard for you but good that you are strong. good luck with your pregnancy :)

You're welcome, and thank you for the good luck :). It's never easy to love someone with this disease, I hope you are able to get strength to deal with it too :).