That NPD thing where they only ever "parrot" things and never say anything original

[BertieBotts]

Sorry for the confusing title! Does anyone know what I mean? Those with experience of NPD probably do. XP did it a lot - practically everything he ever came out with - opinion or declaration of love or some kind of statement to prove he liked/was interested in something - anything really - came from something he'd heard and he would often repeat the same phrase. E.g. watching Britain's got talent he'd repeat the same random piece of trivia about simon cowell every single week. About three times during the programme. And then get annoyed if you pointed out he'd said it before.

Anyway - a friend mentioned this week, and I noticed a while ago, that his girlfriend is exactly the same, on facebook (they are very, erm, public about their relationship) - I don't have him or her on facebook at all, but my friend does. I used to occasionally nose on his profile when we first split though and was half shocked, half amused to see him even "parroting" my phrases back to her!

Just made me wonder what on earth would happen if two narcissists were in a relationship with each other! Scary thought....

Gettingagrip-Would a complete inability/refusal to apologise fit into this character set? I'm talking about someone who, in 12 years of marriage, never apologised or admitted fault for anything. If ever confronted about an error, no matter how slight and insignificant, it would be batted away and never acknowledged. Sort of like an Ostrich, but with Papal infallibility attached!

Hi arfarfa...well my mother, my sibling, my father and my exH never apologised. They are all narcs of one kind or another. One is histrionic, one is cerebral and one is antisocial....

However, they HAVE said the WORDS 'I am sorry', but it sounds like an accusation, is generally meant sarcastially, and in the case of my mother ('I bow down before you and apologise for my terrible sins') means something totally different!

Of course they never apologise...they are never wrong!!!! Even when confronted by undeniable PROOF that they are wrong...they deny or lie...or do the accusation-apology.

Love your description of the Ostrich/Pope!! That describes my mother to T. If there was sand she would put her head in it to avoid listening to something she doesn't want ot hear!

arfarfa, the Ns I know never apologise or if they do, they often have an excuse after it to evade responsibility which totally negates the apology. I know of one who tells me that "it's not fair for me to have mentioned it because I knew how bad his situation was at the time". By saying this, he is ultimately putting blame on me and excusing himself that he had problems (all self inflicted".

They do not acknowledge wrong doing and have no conscience.

In a situation where there was literally no room for denial of fault, the standard response would apparently be to stare sullenly into space and utterly refuse to engage with the conversation. The only way to move on from the situation was to forget it and walk away. Really difficult, I assume, if there is never any closure for even the most minor of incidents?
Most people just 'fess up, say "I'm sorry" and move onwards. Over, done and forgotten about in 2 minutes.

The Ns would conveniently have a memory lapse the next time they see you and carry on as if nothing happened.

I really couln't abide this behaviour that I knew I had dump this so called friend.

What is a Narc? How do you spot one? I ask because I fear there's a danger that we all become narcs in one way or another.

For example, who isn't guilty of using a word and not really knowing it's meaning from time to time?

PS, there was a really good sketch on Mitchell and Webb about originality. Going for a job interview, the interviewee is told he needs to have original thoughts. The interviewee then admits he doesn't have any, only received thoughts. He then goes on to list these such as:

Politicians are all the same
Big Brother was better when it was a psychological experiment
Andy Murray is surly, etc

www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/p0092mrf/that_mitchell_and_webb_look_job_interview/

Who does have original thoughts?

N's really do mess with your mind.

My Granny was never wrong in 88 years...

My DH's ex friend also used to do the "rewirite reality to make myself look great" thing that N's also do.

I used to sit and listen to him relate stories of things that happened where other people had just gone and all the witty things or actions were taken by HIM. I would sit there thinking, "I was there when this happened and I don't recall it that way!"

I used to end up questioning my sanity...his ability to rewrite things that happened was unbelievable.

Beethoven,

Narcs have many traits which make them a Narc, I don't believe that everyone is narcissistic and has NPD or will turn into one. Not being unique is only one trait of someone with NPD and on its own doesn't make u a Narc.

Of course, when you learn a new word, you would want to add it to your vocabulary and sometimes you get caught using it out of context. The issue isn't really using words that one doesn't know the meaning of but regurgitating information and passing it off as one's own and makes a habit of it iyswim.

I am pretty sure I was raised by a regular narcissist and an 'introverted narcissist'. Their marriage has lasted 28 years and the only way to survive marriage to a narc is to lose your soul completely - that is what has happened to my adoptive mother

However whilst an introverted narc is happy to submit to and be a narcissist's mirror, they are regularly narcissistic with others.

I lived hell for fifteen years living with these freaks, it has taken years of therapy and medication to sort my head out. I saw them at a wedding for the first time in over a year at the weekend. He looked through me as if I didn't exist (even though I made a point of going up and saying hello) and avoided/ignored me the rest of the time

This is the man who raised me as his daughter from the age of 3 and who pretended to be the doting grandfather to my kids - he didn't even ask about them

You see I learnt the truth and confronted him. His game is up and the false image is shattered. I am no longer supply so I can be discarded. These people are barely human.

Beethoven - we all have narcissistic traits and those of us abused by narcs possibly develop more, but if you ever find yourself questioning whether you are a narc then aren't truly pathologically narcissistic

A true narcissist would never question what they are. They never seek insight and growth as a person. They have no idea who or what they are and therefore cannot develop original thoughts and opinions

This is different to what most of us do and sometimes take on a thought or opinion because we like it or because we want to fit in.

I once read my adoptive father's diary (revenge as a teenager for consistently snooping through my things). It was eerie - no reflections, thoughts, memories or indications of an inner life. Just simple statements of fact, of what was done that day

They are dead inside, akin to zombies staggering through life and feeding off other's emotions and lives. Yes they were once normal and human, but somewhere in childhood something so devastating happened to their ego and cut their soul off dead.

Narcissists in the extreme make up the psychopaths in life. The child rapists, the Hitlers. People often ask 'how could anyone do that to a child?'

But if the guilty person in question never saw that child as a seperate human with feelings and needs but merely as an intstrument for their own gains, an extension of themselves - well any kind of evil is possible

Good reply, Rose :)

All healthy people a narcissistic, Beethoven. Personalities run along a contunuum - we call people who cluster at either end Personality Disordered. In fact, having NO narcissistic qualities is also a disorder!

You probably have bumped into people, from time to time, whose remarks and actions make you go "WTF???!" Chances are that person is what they used to call mad. Nowadays, s/he might be mentally ill, disabled or Personality Disordered. Differently wired in the head.

The Narcissists discussed here have mostly not been diagnosed - as Roseability said, Narcs don't feel there is anything wrong with them, so don't seek diagnosis. Some might be clinically diaganosable with one of the other defined PDs. Some might be diagnosable with an ASD. It's just convenient shorthand for a particular type of 'mad'.

BaggyAgy

There is SO much on the net about narcissistic personality disorder. You can't fail to find something useful if you just type that into google. Finding all those sites changed my life, for the better. I finally realised I wasn't the one who was crazy. Good luck!

I have noticed that while they expect others to allow them to get away with dumping anything they feel like dumping on top of them, and telling people they are too sensitive if they get hurt, they themselves take a vast number of things very personally -- waiting 'too long' in a queue in a shop warranted giving the cashier a really dirty look, and some sort of rude comment. He really couldn't see that everyone was treated just as he was depending on the circumstances, and took any kind of inconveniencing of him as a mark of personal disrespect directed solely and specifically against him.

When our relationship was seriously on the rocks, in the last few years before we separated, he would accuse me of having a facial expression that he took exception to while trying to discuss something with him -- apparently I 'set my jaw' somehow, and this indicated something hostile I was communicating to him.

(referring to my exH above)

I completely forgot about the "picking one word from a sentence and using that to reply about" thing - XP has ALWAYS done this. He still does it now when trying to arrange contact with DS! I just mentioned it to friend who knew him too and she laughed and said yep, that sounds just like him.

He does the words thing as well and if you point out something is misspelled or mispronounced he says "Don't take the piss, I have learning difficulties" which I guess he was diagnosed with at school.

Actually the being whoever they think you want them to be is pretty apt for this as well - when he first got a facebook account (which was after we split up) his little blurb underneath his profile picture was:

"who are you, whoever you want me to be"

Which I thought was typically narc-like in the first place, and then Bruce Almighty was on TV and I watched it and realised that it was a line from the film, spoken by God! (Incidentally the who are you was a question and spoken by a different character). It made me laugh. I always say I don't want to jump to conclusions, I don't think I am a psychiatrist or anything, he might be NPD and he might not, but then he goes and does something like this and I find it difficult to deny that he probably is one, again!

Ooh, Math, I stuck my chin out! (I do, too.) It's a HORRIBLE thing to do, so insulting! And disrespectful! Who wouldn't storm out in a rage, when somebody sets their jaw! Perfectly reasonable reaction

With my Aspie N, I used unfamiliar words. Of course, I did it just to try & make a point (not, like, to try and say something.) I committed this heinous crime when using metaphors, too. Oh, and painting my nails - that was an insult, but only sometimes.

Due to that "picking out a word" thing, I ended up revising every single thing I said, to make sure there were no potentially inflammatory words in it. It once took me 3 weeks to settle on an acceptable way to put something sensitive: three weeks on one sentence.

Funny what you said about the queues - though no surprise. Obviously, he's the only person in the queue! Everything else is just "stuff in the way", innit?

BaggyAgy

There is SO much on the net about narcissistic personality disorder. You can't fail to find something useful if you just type that into google. Finding all those sites has changed my life, for the better. I finally realised I wasn't the one who was crazy. You are about to discover something HUGE and hopefully you will come to understand the madness you may have had to deal with from others. Good luck!