Please don't say I told you so

[moose007]

I posted a thread here last week about my selfish, narcissistic, pathologically lying H and most of you came back telling me I was doing the right thing in dumping him and that people with NPD don't change.

There were however a couple of comments saying that as I was pregnant and had a toddler, he hadn't cheated, he hadn't left, then what could be that bad that I couldn't stick by him. One notably was a HV who said she'd seen a lot of single mums and it's very tough to be alone, so couldn't I try to stick.

Well, I'm ashamed to report that one day last week when I was out, he helped himself back into the house, did some cleaning and washing, made me smoothies and helped looked after DD. I was really knackered and for the first time in days could sit down without being climbed over and jumped on and I could have a bath in peace. So he managed to worm himself back in.

Then this morning he was snappy and spoke to me like dirt. I said I didn't like the way he was talking to me. He then called me a nasty piece of work and attacked me which he'd never done before. DD (she's 2) saw some of it and got upset. So he was out (again), but he wouldn't leave me alone so I ended up calling the police.

I know I should have had more resolve. I know I need to go to CAB. But right now I'm still in some pain and just want to bury my head in the sand. I wish I could wave a magic wand and be whisked away with DD to another place far away with all our stuff and never having to return.

no one's going to say that to you.

Have a hug

don't be hard on yourself. Being pregnant whilst having a toddler can be strenuous enough without all the other things.

So now he has left and is there any plan of action or are you just too shell-shocked atm to think ahead much?

Well, you know what? If you were having any doubts at all about whether you were doing the right thing, he has just given you a big reminder. So hang on to it, and know that you will be better off out of this relationship. Yes, being a single parent is hard work, but living with an arsehole is harder.

i will not say i told you so as i could have written your post this last week except for the attack.

i am very sorry this happened to you but i hope you find some comfort in knowing that it is definitely over and you know what sort of a 'man' he really is. sending some very unMN hugs to you.

i have also been a single parent and i was far happier than i ever was in a relationship.

I don't necessarily agree that people with NPD don't change however I don't think that anyone with a personality disorder is likely to change unless they are getting a large amount of help and admit their problems. Someone with NPD by definition is unlikely to admit its them who has a problem so its a bit of a chicken and egg situation.

I've not seen your original thread but I'm shocked that an HV (or anyone) would make those comments about single parents. Yes its tough being on your own especially with two but surely staying with someone who attacks you in front of your kids is harder?

What happened when the police arrived? Has he left now? Get in touch with CAB and see what your options are xxx xxx

hey,i'm a lone parent to 5 dc......you know,its not so bad!

in fact i'm a happier person for it!

Moose, I was alone with 3DC while pregnant with DC4 and dealing with an X that was a wrong un. I understand (I think anyone would!) why you relented, momentarily.

Please forgive yourself!

What's your support network like? Friends or family nearby?

"Yes, being a single parent is hard work, but living with an arsehole is harder."

Never were truer words spoken!

You will be fine and we will all be here on MN, night or day, someone's always awake on MN

another single parent here who finds it a million times easier and happier without a joke of a man dragging me down!
where is he now? is he likely to come back?
does he share the tenancy/mortgage?
ask the police to refer you to their DV co-ordinator; they can support you to get this shit out of your life

he attacked you physically? tell that to the HV... maybe she might reconsider her daft words...

of course it is hard - but the freedom from abusive behaviour is worth it... speak to DV unit again and CAB...and also see a counsellor to help you thru and try get a more sympathetic HV... dyu have a good named midwife?

Well, you know now that you were right about him, if you had any doubts.

Of course its not easy to be a single parent especially when you are grieving for your relationship. If that person then turns up at your weakest moment and miraculously is the man you always asked for then you will naturally do anything to make things easy for yourself.

Now you know he will not change.

I left my XP last year after much soul searching and at the point where i felt i was going mad. That I was imagining things. MN was a godsend to me. I posted on here and the lovely MNetters helped me so much at my darkest moments (including like you where i got attacked - apparantly in self defence because i suggested that he was lying to me by showing him the evidence ). It helped so much to put my thoughts down and get replies which showed me i was not crazy.
Doing that helped me be strong enough to leave. So do keep posting when you are finding it difficult,

And I can tell you things are a million times better from where I am now! Including not running around for his lordship while he was organising weekend shags on sex dating sites on this computer!

Sorry to witter on, but what i'm trying to say is you WILL get through this. Just take it day by day and you will definitely not regret finishing with him.

Cestlavie, the HV was a poster here on MN . What she said was unbelievable and unhelpful in the extreme.

Now you know you can trust your instincts, and hopefully remember from this point forwards that you were not put on this earth to absorb someone else's crap.

Better alone than bruised any day.

So sad you and your poor child are going through this this is one thing it is not great to be right about. No-one feels like saying Hurray here, just sending you good positive thoughts and wishes for your future take it one day at a time, and breathe when you feel a panic coming over you. Build your supportive relationships, go to WA and ask for their help and support.

xxxxxxx

It wasn't that we were right. It was that you were right. You were pretty sure it was the end, but let yourself be persuaded to try again (narcissists are very good at being persuasive, and you've been used for a long time to giving in to him). But in fact, you were right all along. Now go forward, trusting yourself.

I hadn't actually read that comment by the alleged HV before - oh what twaddle. Especially about the children loving their father. One of them hasn't even been born yet ffs, how can a baby love someone he/she hasn't met? As for DD, to be fair she hadn't at that time witnessed her father assault her mother, but nevertheless, there's a difference between loving a parent (as one is programmed to do) and accepting that parent as a good role model. If he hasn't learned to put her needs above his in two years it's not terribly likely that he's going to start any time soon.

I say a lot of things about XH, he too could lie for England and had only a passing acquaintance with Planet Earth, but one thing I can be certain of is that he did love his children. He wasn't always good for them but he would give them the last food off his plate and the last penny in his purse (even when they didn't need it). It's a father's duty and privilege to care for his children, not his right to accept their affection in exchange for stuff-all.

So, as a human being and with all the factors of your family life, you let the father of your children have another chance? You allowed the man that you married back into your home with the hope that the man you fell in love with would reappear? And you really think anyone would say anything other than well done for seeing it clearly now? Most of us would get to a point of no return and return. Most of us would allow a destructive partner stay until we had no choice.

Give yourself credit you now know that you were right and have exhausted every avenue for reconciliation. You have given yourself a valuable lesson that anwers all of those nagging doubts that will crop up time and time again over the next few months.

I am really sorry he attacked you.

Good luck with your new lifexxx

Thank you all so much for your support. I feel so crap at the moment and really don't have any energy for a fight, so my biggest fear is him coming back and harassing me again.

Blimey, it makes me feel a bit pathetic hearing that some of you are single parents to 4-5 kids!!! And I'm worried about 2

The reason I'm a single parent to 5 is that I didn't turf exH out when I had 2...

There's no perfect time to embark on anything that's scary, and letting too much grass grow under you is never going to work out well especially in circumstances like this.

See if you can get a protection order -- go back to the police or go to WA and see how this can be arranged. If he has already attacked you, you can expect more of the same unless someone or something reins him in. Attacking you is a significant line to cross, and to do it in front of your DD is particularly worrying.

OMG, if ever there was a lesson then! How do you cope with 5, don't you need sleep or do you have outside help?

At the moment I think I might be going a bit crazy. One minute I'm in pieces, next I'm feeling really calm, grateful that the house is clean and he's not around creating a mess, there's no atmosphere and tension, and sometimes I feel weak dreading I might relent and open the door to him.

I'm very grateful you lot are so understanding and non judgmental and having sackloads of patience. I know I'm not an easy customer

practicalities - what help do you ahve? what help will you have with newborn? are you in touch with local sure start centre eg about getting a sure start volunter? have you spoken to midwife and your own HV about practical baby support when is born?

you dont have to let him in your house and you can think now about contact arangements for dc which wont involve you directly....

my exP-when i had moved out and was (follishly) letting him come see the dcs at my place - he started doing washing. cleaning - even changing bed linen - stuff he never used to do... the bed linen thing felt like a violation... but they will try diff tactics to get back in your life and control you...

(and i do understand about "letting them in" - i had allowed him back in family home to visit on basis he had stated it was short visit to see DCS over christmas - he then refused to leave and the sleeping in ds room turned into "i want my rightful place in the marital bedroom"...ugh... but he smarmed and manipulated...)

very hard in your situation with new baby on way but by setting clear boundaries in your head and practically, he will eventually realise ...

what you need is to set up practical support for you so you wont waiver and dont need him, practically speaking...

cestlavie, thanks for the info. I will enquire about sure start nearer the time - I didn't know about that.

I just had a meeting with the midwife and when she started asking, I just blurted out everything but really she was a gem and so supportive. I feel more confident regarding the practicalities. Funny, the last time I was pregnant I remember saying that it would have been a lot easier without H. He was more of a hindrance than a help, making things quite stressful indeed.

Well done Moose for telling the midwife. The more you are able to put this into words and talk to people the stronger you will feel and the more you'll get the feeling that you're shedding an old skin and growing a new one.

As for the 5 DCs, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said your H was more of a hindrance than a help -- this was so true where the DCs were concerned. When we split, I actually found life had lost a huge, thick layer of complexity. The sheer straightforwardness of it was exhilirating.