Do you think my DH has some problems with Sex?

[grapeandlemon]

Odd title I know but he is totally clamming up on me when I ask him about it and I am really perplexed by what is going on with our love life. It may or may not be relevant that he is 20 yrs older than me.

DH and I had great sex before DD was born. He has other children form previous marriage so knows the deal, no huge shock seeing a Woman give birth. However the birth was traumatic and hit me for six for many reasons and DD was also a very demanding baby. It took me about 6m to spring back at which time we didn't even think about sex. He also stopped being physical with me in any way so I didn't have cuddles or closeness. I haven't changed one bit physically in terms of appearance at all and take a lot of pride in keeping fit and healthy. Not that it should make a blind bit of difference but there you go...

DD is now 3 and he doesn't touch me at all. He has never been really tactile but it has got worse over the years. I have to ask him to cuddle me and when I cuddle him he doesn't respond back, it's really odd.

In terms of sexual intimacy he is just not interested, I have to ask for sex which I find quite awful actually and many times he refuses by saying there is something he wants to watch on TV . Any excuse really.

Then last night he came to bed when I was asleep and initiated sex with me (the first time in at least a year). I was too tired to wake up and do it so we both fell asleep. Then in the morning I initiated it and it was going really well until he said he couldn't "finish" which I have never known in my life, from any man tbh. He said it was important that I had enjoyed it and that was the most important thing but it still seems odd for him to behave like this. He said he wasn't really relaxed as he was worried DD would wake, maybe fair enough. I just don't know anymore.

Is it "normal" for a man to not climax or is it indicative of some other problem? I am at a loss as to why my DH is expressing no interest in me sexually. We have a good rapport in every other way.

You say he is 20 years older than you - it's possible that he could be worried about erection difficulties now he is getting older (presumably he's in his 40s or older?) Or indeed just losing interest due to falling testosterone levels. What's his general health like? Has he recently gained weight, started drinking more, been put on any kind of medication? ALl these things can affect a man's libido.

Sounds like he's got erectile dysfunction and needs your support? I have no experience in this area. Or him going soft might just be one of those things, related to stress etc.. Is he under a lot of stress since your dd? Has he coped well?

He has a very very demanding job, think high stress then double it. He is 50 although looks 10 yrs younger, healthy but not really fit in an "exercise" respect.

Maybe it may be catching up with him..do men find it harder to maintain erections as they get older? I really had no clue.

With my ex-h he was only 34 and had these problems occaisionally. He was a drinker though and that really effected it. Like sgb says age, health, mood, stress all of these things play a big part. I don't think it's personal to you, don't take it that way and let it effect your self esteem. Is he open to talking about it?

He Kept the erection but could not orgasm. He is not opening up to me at all.

Grapeandlemon, I am a bloke, so this may help.

Your last post - kept erection but couldn't orgasm - suggests a psychological problem. That's if the erection is the normal quality, if you see what I mean. If he perceives that it's not as hard as it was or could be, that alone could trigger a negative spiral that will not end in ejaculation.

Of course, he may not be opening up because he just doesn't understand what's happening.

Some people feel they need a lot of physical space, right away from the children (in our case, the other side of the house) to re-establish their sex lives after children.

This isn't only a male problem. My DW did not want sex at all for 4 years after our child was born and it basically took 7 years to get back to where we were before.

The main issue here is the lack of intimacy and desire for sex on his part.

He is only 50, physical ED is uncommon in healthy men of that age - if he is having normal erections during sleep ( 3 - 5 a night is normal) then he has other issues, especially as he couldn't ejaculate after such a long period without sex - that is defintely abnormal - could he have a porn habit? If he's regularly masturbating then that will kill his libido for you and affect his ability to orgasm through sex.

It's selfish and very unkind to keep turning you down, you really need to sit him down and ask him what is going on (in general, the non-orgasm is a red herring imho).

I'd be more worried about the lack of closeness tbh, not having cuddles etc. is far worse than not having sex, people need physical contact, to be deprived of it is a form of torture.

Thanks for your feedback and nice to hear from a guy what the possible problem may be. Yes, the quality of erection stayed put but he could not ejaculate which after so long yes I felt was not the norm.

I can't believe I have forgotten to say he has suffered a bereavement recently with the death of his Father. I feel like such a cow that I have overlooked that but I feel it may be part of what happened with the last time, although obviously not for the period before that. So perhaps there are many things going on here.

Malificence he/ we don't really like porn and have never really been into it so I highly doubt that is the issue. No indicators of that at all. I hate to say this I really do but if he was looking at pornography or masturbating that may make me feel he has the desire at least, but he doesn't seem to have that animalistic "urge" is the only way I can put it for myself . It is awful being turned down when I want to enjoy my and his body. I am still young and feel it is all being wasted.

Anyway thank you all for your input I realise it is very difficult to know what is going on without knowing him personally.

Is he worried about you getting pregnant?