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Original poster

What do I say to the children?

11 replies

NotEnoughSleep · 14/08/2010 22:13

Hello All

I am splitting up with my husband. He wants to live on a boat in Greece and I don't.

What do I tell my two little girls who are 2 and 3.5?

I don't think he will see them very much. He has two boys from previous relationships and both the mothers have broken contact with him so he never sees them.

OP posts:
LucyLouLou · 14/08/2010 22:17

Hi there.

What kind of awareness do your LOs have already? Personally I would ask your H to speak to them, but be present yourself.

How bizarre....choosing a boat over the DCs!

Hope you are doing okay :).

mumofsweetpeas · 14/08/2010 22:21

What has he told them? Why shouldn't he break the news? Then you will be the one answering questions as and when they arise.

I'd just try to be factual and blunt. "Daddy wants to live on a boat instead of with us."

They might not react too bady (yet) being so young still. Children at such a young age tend to just accept whatever happens. Ay least, that is my experience.

I think the issue should be more how you'll deal with it yourself. Have you got friends to talk to about it, so that you can offload to them and then be more able to function as a parent on your own?

msboogie · 14/08/2010 22:33

sounds like they are better off without him - selfish buffoon.

at least he is doing it while they are still too young to be really hurt by it.

Someone should have at him with a gardening shears before he makes any more babies he doesn't bother about..

Original poster
NotEnoughSleep · 14/08/2010 22:34

Getting him to tell them is a good idea but he's already over there. Plus my older one is at the stage where she will keep asking so I will have to explain in the future. She loves him and misses him already.

It's not just immediately too but in the future as they get older, I don't want them to end up in the same situation because they think its normal. Thought about trying to explain that he is mentally ill (he is in a way, he's fucked up anyway).

He is anti society and is unable to stick to anything, has never had a job for longer than a year (although never been unemployed). Living on a boat has always been his dream and although he loves the DDs to bits just has no idea how to be a dad or husband due to lack of example when growing up. Was a whirlwind romance and I was pregnant within 4 months of meeting so take equal responsibility for complete cock up.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotEnoughSleep · 14/08/2010 22:37

He has had a vasectomy now. Was planning it when I met him but things happened....

I'm devastated, I love him so much.

OP posts:
Doha · 14/08/2010 22:44

You may love him but unfortunatly he loves himself more than he loves you or your DC's Sad

SolidGoldBrass · 14/08/2010 22:46

Try telling them that some people are just not very good at being parents, and emphasize that it's nothing the DC did and not their fault. If he loves the DDs is it at all possible that he might be willing to maintain contact by letters/emails? or that they could go and visit him on his boat in the future?

mumofsweetpeas · 14/08/2010 22:46

Try not to worry too much what you will say in the future to the children. You don't know how they will react or what they will want to know at different stages of their development. Take it as it comes.

I recommend just being factual about it, and drip feed that he has problems so that they wont grow up think that it is normal daddy behaviour. That's how I try to deal with it myself. My children know no different. But they were 0 and 2 when their dad went off the scene.

To be honest, they will observe other daddies and know that he is not the norm.

Original poster
NotEnoughSleep · 14/08/2010 23:13

thank you for the good advice, I think it is very important to emphasize that it is not their fault, but he has problems.

It breaks my heart that we are not going to be a family

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 14/08/2010 23:39

I wouldn't say anything for the moment. I'd make up some reason why he's not there and keep that up for a few months. Then, when she's not as involved with him, I might say something about it being long term.

Follyfoot · 18/08/2010 13:33

sorry come to this thread late. Firstly hope you are doing OK. I'd absolutely NOT say "Daddy wants to live on a boat instead of with us." My exH was a wicked git (not saying yours is), but I can tell you from personal experience, one thing my DD is very grateful for (she's 17 now) is that I never said anything bad about her dad and that she was able to decide for herself about him. Saying he chose a boat over them could do them so much damage, they may grow up thinking it was all their fault, plus it gives them an extremely negative view of their dad from the outset.

My DD was four when our break up happened. I told her in little chunks as and when she needed to know and when she asked questions. "Daddy thinks its best to be away at the moment, but he still loves you very much" could be a starter. Then gradually introduce the other aspects (distance, long term nature of it etc) as and when. You'll know when for yourself.

Hope it all goes OK, and that you are doing alright too x

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