Can you help me deal with my DH's ostritch act?

[ShadeofViolet]

Dh and I have had our problems in the past but we seem to be on an even keel now, but there is an issue that is really causing friction and the friction is building and I dont know how to deal with it.

DS2 has Autism. He is 3.6 and has lots of rigid behaviour and sensory issues.

DH is a great dad and parents DS2 as if he were a normal child, which is fine until he kicks off or has a meltdown and then DH just cant handle it and backs off, letting me deal with it.

He wont have anything to do with any medical appointments, wont read reports or get involved with Makaton teaching. I think he thinks that it will all go away. I think his mum might have some influence as she thinks all Ds's problems are in my head.

We have just been away and had to come home early as DS couldnt cope - the change of routine sent him on hunger strike and he wasnt sleeping at all - DH couldnt cope with it so I ended up sleeping with DS everynight and averaged 4 hours sleep every night so we came home as I was just so tired I couldnt deal with it all. We are going back to preschool in three weeks and DS2 hates going (although he loves it there, the seperation is too much for him) so I end up having to try and pry a screaming child off me 5 mornings a week. DH works from home and could take him for me but he wont - its not really his thing (his words)

I have tried talking about it before, and he said that I focus on it too much, and that I just need to relax.

I dont have the energy to fight him, but I really dont want to struggle on alone, and I dont want to play the Martyr.

Sorry its long - thanks for reading. I feel a bit silly posting here as some of the other problems are much bigger than mine

Your Post has made me feel really sad. My DB has aspergers and so I can empathise to an extent. However, I honestly don't know what to say re your DH except that he's being v selfish.

Don't feel silly re posting on here, there are plenty of people who will have some great advice.

My DH exactly the same...completely refuses to acknowledge that DS1 is not 'perfect'. Think it's definitely a man thing, they just can't accept that they are 'parenting' a child with a problem.
I feel for you but have no advice as am in same position I'm afraid.
I have to add that it has caused a real rift in our marriage and I am considering whether it's worth carrying on with it.

Hello SoV, I am so sorry for your situation. I am afraid that my brother did the same thing. He didnt want to accept that his DD had any problems. I dont know what the solution is I'm afraid. Ultimately my brother and his wife divorced (for many reasons). He is still in very regular contact with his children but doesnt 'do' anything about his daughter's autism just leaves his ex-wife to deal with everything.

I think some sort of counselling would have helped my brother. Perhaps this could have helped him see that he could actually do something to help.

Is that an option for you? I dont know if it is available.

I feel sad for you. Things will get better!

This makes me sad, but not as much as it makes me angry. This cannot go on for all your sakes.
I think you need to take your DH to your GP or someone who has been involved with DS2's diagnosis and/or care for a good talking to.

I think you need to confide in one of your DS's therapists, and ask if s/he would be prepared to read your DH the riot act - to say in no uncertain terms that yes, this is definitely autism, that the therapy will make all the difference to his future outcomes, and that "relaxing" will in the end lead to an adult that functions less, rather than more.

And then insist that he goes. Tell him the appointment is specifically for him.

I don't see what else you can do...

Shade - your situation is very common. My DD aged 11 has autism and my DH leaves most of the day-to-day to me. He seldom drops her off at school, or picks up, doesn't go to parents meetings, doesn't get involved with her speech therapy etc. He shouts at her when she's kicking off, can't handle it when she breaks things.

I've seen a therapist about this - he specialises in families with children on the spectrum. He said that a lot of men don't cope well with a child with a disability - they are more task-oriented and want to be able to "fix" things, and sadly this just isn't possible when you have a kid with an ASD. This does put enormous strain on a marriage and from what I've seen in my personal experience, there is a higher rate of marital break-down than among "normal" families.

I can only recommend that you get a social worker if you don't already have one. This will at least give you access to the resources that are available - my DD goes to an overnight respite twice a month for example. Also, the Disability Living Allowance is a real help and will give you the extra money to get a babysitter in every now and again. I use a specialist agency - all the sitters have experience with children with ASD.

I know absolutely what you're going through. It's really, really tough and just coping with the everyday stuff takes most of one's emotional energy. I hardly feel that I have anything left to deal with the other problems.

Hmm I feel your pain, I have a meeting with the pead when the kids are back at school, for the parents only, he has been given no choice basically to attend, maybe you could try something similar, will let you know how I get on.