Can anayone else always tense and horrible to DP? Please help

[irritableandstressed]

I've name-changed for this as I'm likely to get flamed :(.

I have a lovely DD (age 6) and a lovely DP. I'm divorced and don't live with DP, who is not DD'd father. I've known him about 2 years.

He is funny and kind, liked by people and gets on well with DD. The problem is me - I am always tense, irritiable and easily stressed that it is driving him away. I do a really stressful job - typically 12 hours or more a day (I work in the evenings once DD has gone to bed). The thing is he doesn't like me working so hard but in away I know that he likes that the benefits that my income will bring if we move in together (I earn twice what he does, he does a 9-to-5 job, takes an hour for lunch when I literally run from one meeting to another and can't rememebr the last time I took a lunchbreak. This is my job though, it can't be made any easier because I'm the head of my department and as a single parent, I need the income. If I'm being honest it does annoy me that he likes my income but has said that he would not work this hard himself.

I just cant relax in the way that DP does. When I come home in the evening, I can't relax till the house has been tidied, dishes put away, DD in bed, washing hung up etc. DP likes to relax after dinner before he does his things and finds me running around a little distracting when he is round. Its not just house work that makes me irritable, it just seems to be many, many things and get upset/angry about the smallest thing.

I remind myself of my mother, who is a totally distructive influence in my live - she is exactly like me, always stressed, says I'm a bad mother because house is not clean enough/I'm a single parent and is bitter and resentful.

Arguements with DP seem to be increasing, bit in a nutshell its because I can't relax, always thinking about the next thing I need to do and behave more and more like my mother. It also annoys me that I do more things than him when I know in reality most people do take it easy more than me.
Does anyone please have any ideas to help me and tell me that I'm being horrible?

You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Are you able to pay for a cleaner, someone to iron, that sort of thing?

Think about everything you do for work - is it all absolutely necessary or are you re-doing things that other people do?

Do you ever relax? What would be a relaxing situation for you?

I've just seen the title of my post! As usual I was doing two things at once so it doesn't make sense

Yes you might be right about putting too much pressure on myself - my boss says that too me to.

Relaxing - woudl be a facial or a yoga class but with no family nearby and with me working so hard during the week I woudl feel bad leaving DD for a few hours to do this. Also funnily enough, I don't feel that I work hard enough to deserve treats like that :(

I would say small steps. If you can't relax until all housework is done, try doing one thing, then sit down with a cup of tea, then do another. Etc. Does he help you when he comes round?

It is so easy to get into a habit of snapping at people. Every time you feel it building up, ask yourself how you like it when he snaps at you. Sometimes it will work, and sometimes it won't, but over time it will reduce the amount of tension.

Whilst you can take steps to feel more relaxed yourself, you have to ask yourself whether you and DP will ever be able to meet in the middle. It sounds like he is a bit unwilling to make more effort, and likes the fact that you are doing it all.

Hi. just reading all you do makes me feel tense - 12 hours of work plus caring for your dd alone plus housework and trying to come up to the unreal expectations of your mother. It's a hell of a lot to carry and I doubt many would manage it so I think you could afford to be less hard on yourself.

Where your dp is concerned tbh there seem to be some alarm bells ringing - you resent and admire him at the same time. You suspect that he might take advantage of the income your hard work brings and that might cause clashes if you were living together especially as you have such different ideas about how to run your lives.

I have recently been prescribed a low dose of anti-depressant to deal with my anxiety - like you I was getting very upset and stressed about so many things and I have found the medication helped to at least allow me be a bit more rational. Perhaps that might be an option for you?

thanks GAR and CCP addict - that is really good advice about one step at a time. I did try that once before, and should do that again.,

DP does help, he just has such a different routine from me that is the problem and to be fair I do hardly anything when I am at his, he says I should relax because I'm always on the go!

I think it does have something to do with the fact that I am always, always on the go and he is not but I'm thinking that the always on the go thing is my problem not his. My sister who I trust implcitly has said that I need to stop acting like my mum or else I will drive him away. Also, and this sounds really daft but I rush around like a mad thing when he is coming round cooking and making sure the house is nice and tidy when in reality he would be happy with a takeway and often sugggests this as its easier. The problem is really me

I'm not sure if my last post made much sense but in a nutshell, I don't think that there are any people who act like me. People are more likely to do less things, be in less of a rush, and also be less irritable and annoyed etc

Im a bit confused , does it bother YOU that you always seem to be on the go, or is this his issue, ie that he finds it distracting ?

Because its not abnormal to want the dishes done ect before you can relax , does he help you ? Something sounds a bit off here.Does he expect you to ignore the dishes / washing ect and focus on him for the evening ?