the nosey mother saga

[andnowthewait]

Am still not talking to her.

Shes apparently going between giong mental and being really upset.

Sister says she just keeps saying she doesnt know why im not talking to her. Sister has tried explaining that how mum behaves hurts people and that people get upset by how she treats them. But mum just cant comprehend that.
Sister has said to mum that she knows i wont talk to her as she doesnt listen. To which mum went mental and totally denyed. Sister tryed to explain that she was doing exacally as she had just said. Going off on one and refusing to accept anyone elses option other than her own.

mum told sister than she wont phone me anymore and its obvious i dont want to talk to her but she thinks i dont care about her. etc... what about her caring about me?

anyway. im not bothered by not talking to her. its fine with me. Im just unsure about to talk to her.. because ill have to at some point.

Will you?

wait until she goes through the cycles of going bonkers and being upset and comes out the other end and is prepared to listen to you. Just wait it out.

I don't know the back story, but your poor sister.

Not so much, paisleyleaf. The mum doesn't mess with the sister as much as she does with andnowthewait

ANTW Good on you for keeping it up, hopefully your Mum will get the message.

Have you got DB's stuff out of the garage and the lock sorted yet (that is you, isn't it?)

yep = thats me.

He took it all. came when i wasnt here i think. I dont know. i didnt even know he had taken it until i went to get something from the chest freezer and noticed.

another example of how they just dont respect any normal boundary.

anyway - yes, i thought just wait it out. Sister is getting a bit panicky that i wont ever talk to mum again. ive assured her that i will. when i want to. and i dont know when that will be. but it certainly wont be while she is still behaving like this.

for example on thursday she called. DD ( whos coming up for 5) picked up the phone. She said to mum ' i think mummy is still cross with you, sorry, bye' then hung up the phone.
DD has a thing for just cutting the conversation short and hanging up whens shes done, or if she just doesnt want to talk. thats fine. BUT then mum went mental at sister that i had brougth dd into in, was poisioning her aganist her, was a bad mother etc... etc....

what had actualyl happened is, dd had asked why we hadnt seen mum for so long and why she hadnt talked on the phone. Bearing in mind before this mum called about 3x a day. of course DD would notice - shes not silly.
I told DD that i was a bit cross at mum as she had upset me. Like sometimes DD is cross at me, and sometimes im cross at her. But that we love each other really, but that its ok to be cross if you are upset.
I think that was a perfectly fine thing to do.DD asked and got an age appropiate answer with no details.
PLUS - its my bloody child and i can tell her what i like.#

it just sent mum more mental... and again makes me want to talk to her less.....

msboogie - do you think eventually she will stop that cycle?

I doubt she'll stop the cycle - I doubt she knows how.
She will always believe her own version of events.
Have you had a look at "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward - you can get it on Amazon.
Might give you some strategies.

You're doing well, but obviously it isn't easy. I think what you told your DD sounds excellent - you didn't apportion blame and a child does need to know that adults sometimes fall out. Of course your mother will take it in the worst possible way because that's how she sees things.

How you can actually get back to talking to your mother without letting her try to run your life again is another question! By the sound of it your sister handles her in a firm, rational but kindly way which should work on anyone normal, but it doesn't work on her, so who knows? Her brain must be a very chaotic place.

well, as the poster said above, she probably doesn't know how to observe normal boundaries and will not really learn at this stage BUT but your sister and brother do seem to have managed her a bit better up to now so I hope that you will be able to do the same. I'm sure she can be trained (eventually)if you are firm enough with her.

Calling you 3 times a day demanding to know your every move when you don't want her to is intolerable and you can't just allow it to go on or it will affect your mental health and, therefore, your daughter.

So you had to do something and what you are doing seems to be the only option.

When you are ready to speak to her you will have to set out the ground rules again and stick to them rigidly:

One phone call a day (or whatever)
No interrogations
No turning up uninvited or if you don't answer the phone.

And there's nothing whatsoever wrong in what you told your daughter - as you say she sees what's going on and you have only been honest and and answered her in an age appropriate way.If she doesn't already know she soon will understand that her granny has issues.

Well, if she would respect boundaries, you wouldn´t have to do this, would you?

Most adults can tell when you´re not really engaging in a conversation & don´t keep on & on.

Had to laugh about your daughter!

If either of the children answer the phone to MIL it´s not long before they´re saying "I´ll put you on to Dad now"

i think i might be waiting even longer than i thought.

Poor sister went round to show mum her new car. She hadnt told anyone she was getting it as it was a surprise. She came here first, i ' wowed!' and congratulated her and we went out for a drive. Its a mini with pink stripes on the hood, 3 years old and of course shes really exited about it.

Then she went to mums.... and called me up a few hours later in tears. Mum had said nothing, said she didnt like the stripes, had a go as she hadnt told her, accused her of getting a loan to pay for it ( sister saved up... and anyway , shes 27, if she did get a loan its not mums business) of living above her means and being irresponsible. ( she has a good job, earns good money, no kids) and basically tore strips off her for an hour. Sister called me upset, cant understand why mum cant ever be pleased for someone and has to totally interogate them, then judge, then have a go.

So actually - all this waiting, and me not talking to her... well, its not going to achieve anything is it?

oh and then mum was having a go at sister about her weight, because shes put a few lbs on ( we all lost weight at the beginning of the year) mums gone off on a health kick. Put her husband on one too. was having a go at sister saying she needs to sort her life out. Sister is a large 12. hardly huge. Mums a 16.

????????

Well perhaps your sister should back off as well?

Surely it is achieving something if you haven´t got your mum coming round when she feels like it, calling three times a day...

What response did your sister expect?