Husband is leaving me

[Bella10]

My DH and I work at the same place. In May I discovered my DH has been having an affair with someone we both work with. He ended it and said he wanted to stay in our marriage. But now he is telling me he is not with her yet he is leaving me and my 2 yr old DD. He is looking to move out asap. I am 100% sure he is with her. We do not argue and usually get on very well but he says he doesn't love me anymore.
We have been married for 5 years. It is our wedding anniversary today. I am devastated beyond words and it is unbearable to think that when we start back at work in September, I will have to see her and him every day. I am being strong at the moment for my DD but I don't know how I will cope in September. I feel SO angry with her, i cannot bear to see her. Even though he has treated me so badly, I am dreading the day he actually goes. Does anyone understand these mixed emotions I am having?

That is so crap. Do you think you woud be able to transfer to another location with your job? I know I would not be able to face them both, day in and day out.

Hugs.

I've been considering that. might have to. but i have a very good job. 4 days a week. right near childminder. and i wouldn't be able to leave until christmas anyway. got to just cope somehow. thanks for post.

Do other people at work know anything about it? If so, I hope they will support you and treat the two of them with the disdain the deserve.

Everyone knows what happened in may. everyone is angry and very supportive of me. they don't know whats happened now though.

Is there no way you could get a transfer or a move to another department? I'm sure if you spoke to your employer or personnel officer or human resources or whatever it's called these days (if it's a larger company) they would be extremely sympathetic.

I worked in a place with two women and one of them had an affair with the other one's husband. When she found out, she went to the bosses and told them she couldn't work with the woman who was shagging her husband. They totally agreed and shipped the 'affair' woman out to another department. She protested, but they basically told her she should have thought of that before she started shagging someone else's husband, especially someone she worked with.

It might help when others at work know. Then they will hang their heads in shame (I hope) and maybe move somewhere else themselves.

Bella I could have got the wrong end of the stick here but just thinking about your job. Can you get in touch with the person in charge and explain what's happened. I'm guessing on the job environment but if if its a small one especially I can see that this is awful. I'm just wondering whether in these circumstance there's something they can do and I also think they will talk to him about it which must be a good thing I think. Tbh I would have thought they may want to find some way to deal with XH and this woman.
I don't want to out you but did you post about this before?
Keep your pecker up and come to our thread if you'd like to we are v friendly. (just do a search on me to find)

The not leaving til Chrsitmas makes me wonder if you are a teacher? If so go to your line manager/Head to discuss this as it will be very hard and pupils do pick up on things.

Hi Bella how are you feeling today?

It's completely normal to feel how you're feeling

Are friends and family in RL helping?

Hope you are ok, OP.

I agree with others who have suggested you talk with a supervisor/boss. I dont see why you should move jobs when your DH and OW are the ones in the wrong! Its hard enough to be put in this awful situation without having the extra problem of changing jobs. You've got enough on your plate emotionally as it is.

Also, if you are going to be on your own, then the job you are in is going to keep things easy for you logistically.

If your colleagues were supportive to you re the affair, then i am sure that they will be just as supportive if you let them know whats happened now. That should help you to deal with things even though it will be hard for you.

I wouldnt be surprised if your DH and OW are planning to relocate anyway. Possibly arranged over the last few months, hence the reason he has decided to leave now!

He sounds a complete shit to have lied to you and raised your hopes in saving the marriage! I hope things work out for you.

Take care

Yes, I did post this is May. thanks for all the comments.

Although you don't have to leave, you also have no legal right to make either of them move. If you try to get one of them pushed out, it could count as discrimination. Your private life isn't the company's problem. I doubt your boss will do anything about it if they know anything of employment law.

ok, some advice please.
Things are amicable at home. He hasn't moved out yet. I just block things out for the sake of my DD.
He says he is not still in touch with OW but I know differently. The thought of seeing her in Sep knowing what I know seems awful.
Do I A) Tell him what I know. at that point things will become openly awful. but at least its out there.
B) Keep it to myself. and therefore not react to her in sep and let him leave quietly without a big row.

I really don't know what to do. I am a Head Of department so I cannot have a meltdown in school like I did in May.

I would have it out with him calmly tbh. Tell him you don't believe that he isn't seeing her and really he needs to go now as he will be with her once he has somewhere else to live, if really not now.

I would also talk to someone sympathetic at work and ask what the options are. No way should you be the one to lose/change your job. You have done nothing wrong, they have.

Hi bella,
Sorry to hear your news, we faced a similar thing together didn't we.

I think you need to change your job, and v sadly you need to ask him to move out. I absolutely knwo how hard this is for you, I knwo how heartbroke you are and I know how mixed up you feel and how it has changed everything, utterly, forever.

There is, however life outside. You need to look after yourself, becuase of your babies and it is not healthy to face this situation.
From memory your manager was supportive; maybe they can get you a transfer (or them?)

Sorry you're gong through this. I'm a bit better, I have a job and it's don eme the world of good to think about something else and do something for me. Honestly, you should do it. Good luck xx

I wonder about the job thing - in some contracts isn't there something about relationships in the workplace - that they have to be declared or something. Could be worth checking that as agree with others it should be up to them to look for another job not you.

Much sympathy though for a horrid situation.

It's a horrible situation to be in. Can you tell us whether you know (as in have evidence) that he's leaving to be with her or whether you have a strong suspicion this is the case?

If you are her or his line manager, then that needs to change - the head of your organisation can fix that. If you are in a situation where you have to go to meetings with them, then you'll have to make absolutely sure that you remain civil to them and don't bring up anything personal. It'll be hard, but people will respect you for doing that.

Good luck. I think work should be a sanctuary, not somewhere where you have to face this sort of this.

• This sort of thing!

Thanks for the advice. Good to hear from Lucy85, i remember your situation well and was thinking about how you are when I started this post. thanks for your comments, you're right.
Yes, I do have evidence. No, i'm not their line manager and wouldn't have to have small meetings with them just whole staff ones.
yes, lots of sympathy at work but still have to hold it together all day to do the job that I do.
Am so frightened of the next step. going out tonight to discuss it with some close friends from work and see what they say. thanks everyone. It really does help to get your comments and kind words of support.

Oh Bella, am thinking of you honey. 'Tis bloody rubbish isn't it.

Have a good night tonight, you deserve but honestly you will get through this and come out of it happier.

I personally am, although I still am quite devastated I do feel better, esp as will have a job to think about and chance to work on some kind of career maybe. I am more selfish now yes, but f him, he started it. I now spend more on myself, ask for what I want in no uncertain terms etc - after all I have nothing to lose, the worst already happened didn't it. I have stopped dwelling on it and have moved on in a way. I am slimmer, healthier and more successful and that gives me strength - i know I can do this on my own if I have to, so like I say f him. I have a great family, loads of friends and a job where I can afford to live on my own if I do have to.

The worst is the embarrassment factor of pople knowing isn't it - but you did nothing wrong. Hold your head high, do your job well and you never know, the pair of them might decide to f* off and leave you alone.

But what do you want? What's right for you? - I remeber someone on here telling me to think what I needed and wanted and that struck a chord in me as you can probably tell - so I pretty much do what I want although still give 110% to my kid, and i can tell you it's liberating.

DO NOT let this situation get to you. You did nothing wrong, they are the ones who look like idiots and now everyone knows what they've been up to. Well good luck to them. you rise above it but do what's best for you, and don't be afraid to be a bit selfish, you will find it empowering.

Thinking of you, keep in touch if you need another one of my life stories even though it's not my post pep talk!