Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I "settle" down with him?

19 replies

UpsyDaisyDo · 13/08/2010 11:24

I've been on my own with ds4.11 since I was pregnant. His dad and I had a very on off relationship and never lived together so basically I've lived alone for about 7 years.

I met a man earlier at the beginning of the year. Things moved really quickly and he ended up more or less living with me after a few months. He's a lovely man, loves ds, is very loyal and as trustworthy as any man can be.... BUT....

I'm just not feeling it and I don't know if its because I'm just too used to my own space or he's not for me. I'm nearly 37 and have only had one long(ish) relationship in my 20's.

I recently ended it because it didn't feel right but have buckled under pressure and started seeing him again but have told him I don't want him to stay as much.

I'm so confused as deep down I know he's not "the one" but don't know if I'm just being too fussy. His argument is that we get on well, all the kids (he has 3 teens) get on well with me and my ds, he's everything I've described him as and loves me 100% so doesn't see what my problem is.

Should I be grateful I've found someone nice and get on with building a good relationship with him or continue on my own?

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 13/08/2010 11:32

It sounds like you don't like this man enough to be with him for the long term.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/08/2010 11:34

Don't settle.

You will end up resenting each other in the end and things will turn nasty.

garageflower · 13/08/2010 11:42

Upsy - I have had a similar dilemma recently. Don't know how to link to the thread but I was with someone who worshipped me and would have done everything he could to make me happy for the rest of my life.....but....I didn't feel 'it' either.

In fact, there were moments when I did but they were short-lived!

I'm having a wobble but have been re-assured on here and in real life that settling is not the thing to do!

Original poster
UpsyDaisyDo · 13/08/2010 12:38

CoteDAzur I like him a lot but that's it. Like not love.

Ali I think that is my gut feeling too (and I've told him that) but he's very persuasive.

garageflower thanks for the reassurance that I'm not alone. I've had the "moments" too although many fueled by alcohol.

OP posts:
ChocolateMoose · 13/08/2010 12:47

My feeling is that 'liking' is enough when everything is fine, but if you want to settle in for the long haul, you need more to see you through the difficult times. Good luck with making your decision.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/08/2010 12:56

No, don't do it. And be suspicious of a man who tries to persuade you that you feel different than you do.

garageflower · 13/08/2010 12:59

Upsy - a great bit of info someone gave me on my thread was:

'Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can't live without'.

Sometimes it is scary to think we might not meet that person, or we will but they won't feel that way about us but I'm going to try to live by that rule.

With regards to the alcohol-fuelled wobbles....yes they're awful and you can convince yourself you've made a mistake. I did briefly break up with my 'safe' guy but got back together largely due to his persuasion as I was overwhelmed and flattered by how much he wanted me (I forgot to mentin that before) but it was all based on his feelings, not mine and I know I would have ended up wanting to cheat (if not worse) years later.

Good luck xx

AbsOfCroissant · 13/08/2010 13:07

I agree - don't settle if you don't really love this man - it's unfair on both of you, and is bound to lead to problems in future (e.g. if you meet someone who you do really really love).

Can you imagine sticking by this man when things are tough? When you're both old and says he's incontinent and you have to care for him? Imagine being with someone else - does it terrify you?

I know that DP's the one for me, because, apart from being my best friend etc. etc. I know that the thought of not having him around is terrifying - I love him so much.

Rather wait for someone who you will adore and will adore you back. And same for this man: it's a bit silly of him to be trying to convince someone who doesn't really love him to. There's a Zulu proverb "trying to make someone love you who doesn't is like shaking a tree to make it rain".

dignified · 13/08/2010 13:40

I wouldnt settle.
He put that much pressure on you last time you ended it that you buckled ? Dont let him try to tell you what to feel or think, that would be a reason in itself for me to get shot im afraid.

antoinettechigur · 13/08/2010 13:45

I hate threads where everyone cries "leave him". However.. I think you know the answer and have just come on here to have it confirmed. Can it be a good sign if you need to be talked into a relationship? You either feel it or you don't. You can't force it. Well you can, but the outcome is not good.

Too fussy means rejecting someone who doesn't fit with some predetermined and shallow criteria. You've tried this relationship, you know what you feel. If you are true to your feelings you and this man (you can't bring yourself to say boyfriend?) will both be happier in the long term.

AMumInScotland · 13/08/2010 13:45

It sounds like he's always been the one pushing for this to become more serious - moving in, making you get back together, pushing you to make more of a committment. Whether or not he's "lovely" really isn't the important thing here - he's not the right man for you, and you don't love him.

I think if that spark isn't there, no amount of practical thinking about living together is going to make up for that. The spark (or at least the memory of it!) is what makes it worthwhile trying to get through the rough bits together.

Karmamama01 · 13/08/2010 15:38

I believe you just need someone. This is not the man for you. Move on.

DinahRod · 13/08/2010 15:54

No don't settle. There has to be that frisson to stop you burying them under the patio.

Tell him to get his coat or buy a shovel.

Squitten · 13/08/2010 16:39

God no! My parents did that - it was a disaster. Don't do it

hairytriangle · 13/08/2010 18:06

Jeepers NO!!!!

ItsGraceActually · 14/08/2010 01:46

Another no. It's not about box-ticking. Also, someone who respects & cares about your feelings wouldn't try to persuade you. Your emotions and your 'radar' are working just fine!

BEAUTlFUL · 14/08/2010 01:52

"Tell him to get his coat or buy a shovel."

I genuinely laughed out loud!

SolidGoldBrass · 14/08/2010 01:59

Gak! No, tell him to sod off. He might be desperate for a relationship, you don't have to be. It's PERFECTLY OK to be single, and a hell of a lot better to be single than to be lumbered with a creep/lazyarse/cocklodger or indeed an abuser (and men who insist that they know what you are thinking or feeling better than you do are quite unsurprisingly often abusers).

Original poster
UpsyDaisyDo · 15/08/2010 22:05

You lovely ladies are all so right. I did just come on here to have it confirmed. We spent the day together on saturday and it was a disaster. Just glaringly obvious that it wasn't right. Eventually I said that we needed to face facts that it wasn't going to work and he left. Thing is he still doesn't understand why. He's text me about 4 or 5 times since - the last one directly asking why. I can't bring myself to tell him that its because I just don't fancy him enough. I feel shallow enough as it it.

I've heard that quote too GF. I definitely could live without him and that's not right.

Loving the zulu proverb Abs Grin

Soo he's got his coat.. no need for the shovel!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page