RANT - How did we get from a tiny bit of news to this pile of crap?!

[bintofbohemia]

Sorry, I haven't had a family rant for a year or so, and I just have to let this one out.

Talking to my stepmum last night who I haven't spoken to in a while (they've been away) and was just talking about things that have happened and one of them is that someone contacted me about the possibility of a job. There are two going, one from 9-5 and one from 5pm-1am. I was saying the evening one would be good as I wouldn't have any childcare costs, but would have to be up at 7am at look after DS2 (who's only just two). Otherwise I could do the 9-5 job but accept that a big fat chunk of the wages would go on childcare.

Anyway, she goes off on one about how I need to get back to work so I can "have a life" and "kids are boring" but I should make sure I get more than £20k because that's "nothing" and a rubbish wage. What's really narked me though is that she said that she "can't help because they're still working and the days change and anyway you need to sort out your own children because when we retire we're, you know, retired and going to have a rest, and nobody helped us out and you need to sort yourself out."

So, taken alone, that appears fair enough - apart from the fact that I hadn't asked her to help, I would never ask her to help, partly because I think you probably need proper formal childcare if you don't want to fall out with your family, and partly because their idea of childcare was to lock me and my brother out of the house two hours a night whilst my younger half sister (their "proper" child) was all safe and warm at her grandmother's house. When they remembered they would leave the garage open and put a mug of orange squash on the floor (like we were a pair of dogs) but the rest of the time we either broke in through the kitchen window or waited on the doorstep in all weathers until almost 6pm. As if I would let them look after my children!

I'm just so cross with myself and I don't know why I didn't tell her to shut up - actually yes I do, because she'd tell the whole family I'm an evil ungrateful cow who has it in for them and is "just like her mother." They live two minutes away and never see the kids anyway because kids are boring. They see the children in passing for about half an hour every two months but never spend any one to one time with them.

Feel slightly better for getting that out. Dunno whether to call her back and say "gosh, I hope you weren't thinking I was asking, I would never get you to do my childcare!" or just leave it and fume.

@spiritmum

Regarding your powerful exercise. I've started doing this about my soon to be exh and his new partner (affair came as a shock).

I imagine them sitting in posh restuarants, sweet talking, strolling down the promenade or whatever having an aura of happy coupledom about them. They are in their perfect bubble.

It has really helped. I've not quite gotten to the point where the hurt is in the past but I'm getting there.

It's a wonderful technique.

Crikey, that'll be a stretch. Do you initially want to punch them and then slowly get over it?

"and partly because their idea of childcare was to lock me and my brother out of the house two hours a night whilst my younger half sister (their "proper" child) was all safe and warm at her grandmother's house. When they remembered they would leave the garage open and put a mug of orange squash on the floor (like we were a pair of dogs) but the rest of the time we either broke in through the kitchen window or waited on the doorstep in all weathers until almost 6pm. As if I would let them look after my children!"

this woman is definately not worth wasting your time and energy getting annoyed with!

I have not done this exercise but will look into it. Is the point of imagining 'them' in paradise to arrive at a sort of "so what?" place in your mind?

Indifference is the gold standard of recovery. I am working on it for my toxic npd middle sister. I have attained it periodically, but slip around birthdays/holidays.

As far as my mil goes, I'm doing very well, thank you. She treats me like I'm an alien and I've come to rejoice in the fact I'm not enmeshed in the inlaw organism (her, sil, niece, niece, sil-5 of them-all for one, one for all). They literally move as a unit, vacation, shopping, etc: if one goes, they all go.

Bintofbohemia-try reading the Toxic Parents book by Susan Forward, if you have not already. Her (and your dad's) horrid behavior is not about you. It is hard to understand that at first because it is so personal for you. But if you were to go away (disconnect) they would bitch and moan about it because they'd have to find another emotional toilet in which to make their deposits. And they will eventually find one (not your problem ).

I recommend the book toomanystuffedbears recommends too - it's very good.

Spiritmum I love it! Sounds very much like compassionate meditation to me :) So helpful!

Celticfairy, you say, "I imagine them sitting in posh restuarants, sweet talking, strolling down the promenade or whatever having an aura of happy coupledom about them. They are in their perfect bubble."

Do you then imagine them eating mussels that make them violently ill? Or walking in front of a speeding joy rider? Or stepping in a cow pat?

Or is that just me?

No I don't. And yes it's just you. You should try it. It does feel good. I didn't put it through a search engine or anything like that. I just thought heck lets imagine what they are actually doing right now. And it worked!

I do like me though. And always have.

There are some revenge feelings but as I told my GP recently, it will just rebound on me and may make the situation worse - when it doesn't pan out. GP is inclined on the doesn't pan out scenario and has told me to get in contact WHEN this happens.

Wow, Celticfairy, you actually came up with this on your own? I think it's a CBT technique originally. Somehow I think you're going to be just fine, liking (or loving) yourself is all you need really.

I am soooo glad you posted that this works because it does sound a bit, erm, well...not much fun, actually.

Lol at the mussels...

I hate using the message boards for this but over on classifieds I've got an ad for a spiritual e-course that I've written that includes stuff like this. It's only a quid at the moment as it's in its trial stage.

I think Louise Hay advocates doing this - I've haven't quite tried it as yet because it sticks in my craw and I wasn't sure how it would help! (I think I would definitely start out with the bad mussels a la atswim!) But if you're saying it will, I'll give it a go...

I'm trying not to be oversensitive about this but I spoke to my brother (we were going to whizz round and see him, he hasn't met ds2 yet and ds1 is desperate to see him) but he's out this morning and watching the football this afternoon so we'll probably just see him tomorrow at the parents. The parents are also having a dinner for the family on Weds (parents, brother, half sister and husband, cousin and boyfriend) to which we are invited but won't be able to get a babysitter that night. THe night may change if it doesn't suit my sister or my cousin but otherwise it is Wednesday.

Am tempted to swerve tomorrow and Wednesday but invite him round here whenever he's free. I'm not sure if that makes me look petulant for not going tomorrow but I don't get the impression that anyone gives a shit if we go or not, and I'm sick of bending over backwards beign all "oh please like me" when blatantly, no one cares.

Yes, do what is best for your schedule. It would be better seeing him "privately" so the toxic others could not monopolize him on purpose to prevent you from having a chat with him. His visit would then not be about him, but rather their toxic hidden agenda of preventing you from enjoying his company. And of course that would be your fault (not!)-but they would blame you for any resulting tension in the air.

You are allowed your own relationships with the members of the family you like on your terms - your brother - and to have christmas/birthday card contact with the rest.

Re your SM, with absolute conviction: "I wouldn't dream of asking you to look after the children"...and let everyone make of that what they will.

Can't add much to the discussion really but it has been very interesting to read and reflect on. I had/have a poor reltionship with my Dad (mum dead) and read the Toxic Parents book a while ago after lurking on the Stately Homes threads.

I am feeling a bit buzzy to realise how far I have come in the last couple of years. I used to argue with my Dad quite a lot and basically rage against the injustice of, well, lots of stuff really. Basically he is not a nice man and over time I have managed to stop expecting him to become a nice person and to stop feeling hurt by his complete lack of ability to ever be pleasant or caring Not very eloquent I know, but the best way I can sum it up right now, I'm a bit tired

There came a time, for me, when I really came to think, we are both adults. Would I expect/tolerate this from a complete stranger - Not in a million years Should I be able to expect better from someone who should love me unconditionally? Probably, but it's not going to happen. So I have effectively made my own family. We are pretty happy and we treat each other with respect even when we are cross, or disappointed. My Dad hovers on the outskirts of my life these days, he has no power to make me happy or unhappy and I feel no need to try to please him or make him proud. It no longer matters to me what he thinks, he's lost that privelige long ago. It is very liberating.

My father should, IMHO, be proud of all his children, we have turned out pretty well despite the crappy job he did. He seems to think we are all a disappointment. He will be very lonely.

Bint you will find your own way, there's been some great advice here. And incidentally, I often work 6pm - 2am after having the children all day and it's a killer, would try to plan at least a regular lie in to recover if you opt for it