How do you know when you've dealt with the affair?

[AuntieMaggie]

Its been about 10 months since DP told me about his infidelity and 16 months since it happened. We're currently having couples counselling for this and are about 2 months into it (we had to wait because we couldn't afford relate so are using a cheaper alternative).

So, how do we know when its been dealt with?

We are working through other stuff during the sessions, though we have gone over the affair too, and it seems to be helping but how do you know when it's enough?

We are always going to be mismatched on certain things like housework.

We are getting on really well and better than we have for a long time but I just worry that we haven't adequately dealt with the affair to try to prevent it happening again.

Has he answered all your questions re the affair or do you feel he is keeping something back ? We are about 16 months down the line too, I am still very sad at times, wished it had never happened obviously but the intense fury and anger has abated although if I met OW in the street I think DH would have to hold me back after all I have received no apology/explanation from her, only vile texts .

I have a friend who, after 4/5 years, never thinks about her DH's affair now except when someone else brings in up. I'm hoping it won't take me that long . I am sure there will be times when I will be taken back to the time of the discovery and all the horror that went with it. Certain songs take me back, driving past a certain hotel when I know they had an assignation still makes my stomach knot up etc.

As a couple we are in a better place but we still have all the usual stresses and strains which led to my DH to have the affair. He now recognises how it happened, how the "innocent" conversations he had with the OW turned into something more etc. He is aware now of proper boundaries in friendships and marriage, he is much more self-aware as well, recognising self-esteem issues etc.

I am taking more time out for myself, putting myself and my happiness first for a change.

I will be watching this thread with interest, sometimes I think there is a lot of pressure to "get over things" when actually it still bloody hurts a lot.

Yes I think he's answered all of my questions, I can't think of anything else I'd want to know. Not sure there is much more to know... he had an affair with a female friend and considered leaving me but ended up realising how much he wanted to be with me.

Yeah know how you feel about the OW. I contacted her to verify his story which just opened up an opportunity for her to contact him again (they hadn't been in contact since it ended).

I don't think about it very often these days, but there are still similar triggers to yours that brings it back. But then I think thats because we're in a better place these days.

We have had a few sessions that have got a bit heated but we mostly talk about other things that are going on in our relationship.

I just don't know how you know when you've had enough counselling to help you deal with it...