Would you date someone who is two months out of a five year relationship?

[megsophandemma]

Recently started talking to a chap who I met through the internet (not a dating site). We are planning on meeting up soon. I told him a few nights ago, just to make sure he is aware, that I have children. He said this didn't bother him at all. He then informed me that he has just come out of a five year relationship (2 months ago). I told him that's fine, but thinking about it after I started having niggles, which I can't put my finger on.

So would you date someone who is fresh out of a serious relationship?

I think its soooo dependant on how strong someone feels about the 'new' person and how they feel about their ex. My dp got into a new relationship with someone who was 2 months out of a 15 year relationship (yep, me!) but here we are 2 years down the line madly in love and v.happy.
I have friends who still aren't ready for a new relationship, years after breaking up with an ex.
Am I making sense? Terrible night with my youngest dc, so probably not!

In general, yes I would but I would go very cautiously about it and be prepared for being the 'rebound' person. Also, don't ignore 'niggles' - not that you have to bin him right away, but trust your instincts, give yourself a chance to get to know him but be prepared to end it if you don't feel right about things (even if that's in a very non-specific way).

Wow that's lovely primrose. :)

"The Rebound person" that's exactly what came to mind EC

I've been on my own for three years (which has been great for realising I don't NEED a man to be happy) so I'm guessing that this will help me with taking things at a steady, yet warey (sp?) pace, without jumping in head first.

Take things steady and just see how they go, you never know he may surprise you.

A close friend of mine split with her long-term partner, went to meet the bank manager to discuss her mortgage, how to buy ex-P out, etc. and ended up marrying the bank manager. They are now very very happy with lots of kids.

Personally speaking, going on past experience, I wouldn't date a man just out of a long term relationship again

I spent a good year and a half being hurt and upset coming second to his 'special' ex, granted, we're still together now and very happy, however, that still doesn't make up for the pain that was caused. If I could go back and break up with him before I fell for him, I would.

Obviously that's just my experience, but I'd advise you to be weary and gauge how he feels about his ex now to avoid being hurt

I'm 3 months out of an 8 year relationship, and if I were to start seeing someone, it wouldn't be too soon for me. I had left the relationship emotionally quite a long time before we actually split, iyswim. But that's me.

Do you have a basic knowledge of how the previous relationship was?

Yes it all depends. My ex met someone quite soon after we split. They ended up getting married. Then he left her because actually he didn't love her though he had liked her as a person an awful lot and had wanted to make her happy and give her what she wanted. Of course the whole mess is his fault for not being honest but it seems that she pushed a lot for signs of commitment that he didn't really want to give. Personally I don't see any reason that someone couldn't meet the woman of his dreams the day after a long term relationship finishes but....careful does it. IMO the actions related to commitment (not just the words) need to freely come from them. Not being honest because they don't want to disappoint or hurt is the nice man's version of being a bastard.

I dated someone last year for almost a year having just come out of a messy seven yeear long relationship.

I personally wish I had waited longer to date, as it became very messsy and I did end up hurting my new boyfriend a great deal (I have posted about this today coincidentally).

It took me until 4 or 5 months in until I started to feel like he was a rebound, now I'm not with him anymore and am starting to regret that but that's another story.

What I would say is be wary. It's not doomed and some people do move on faster than others, but be prepared for the worst.

Are they in contact?

no

I started dating my now DH (so you can guess how the story ends) when he was approx 5 months out of a 12 year marriage (and she left him). We actually spent a lot of time discussing whether I was 'rebound' (it was a concern of mine and he couldn't promise I wasn't because he said he wouldn't know if I was IFYKWIM. He said he could only say it didn't feel like rebound).

I suppose the thing is how strongly you feel. Personally, I wouldn't intentionally start a relationship this early (DH and I got deeply involved very quickly for various reasons). I suppose you need to have an honest talk about things with him. If you can't do that then it's probably not a relationship worth taking the risk over.

Thanks for the replies. So i'm guessing it's right to not blow him off completely, just wait and see. Baby steps it is then.

Let's just hope the currently dormant hormones don't begin a raging inferno. Slowly does it.

thanks again.

Good luck and I think you're right to give it a try.

As well as my situation, my recent ex had come out of a 5 year relationshp 6 months before me and I was very scared for a while that I was his rebound but my fears were unfounded.

I think we tend to assume the worst with exes but there are definitely some positive stories!

No, no, no!! Back away now!!

I recently met a lovely man 6 weeks after his ex left him...it started out brilliantly, we had so much fun and got on so well. Then his ex found out and decided she wanted him back.

Cue much bunny boiler behaviour from her. Although at the beginning he assured me he was over her, once she started saying what he wanted to hear, our relationship stood no chance. She messed with his head big time.

He went back, I'm left hurting and feel like a pawn in their stupid games.

You live and learn and the lesson I've learned is never ever get involved with someone on the rebound.

Even though it might make a difference who left who, anyone that soon out of a relationship is still going to have massive issues to deal with before they're ready (I'm talking about myself there too as I've not been on my own long either, and I was the leaver, not the leavee)

Just out of curiosity what do you really mean by rebound?
Do you mean that they grasp at the first person to come along- whoever they are- and get involved, then suddenly wake up and think "Oh this is not what I really wanted at all.!"

I would. I think in a lot of long term relationships, it's over a long time before the split happens IYSWIM. He may have mentally moved on six months ago, you just don't know.

Thats sort of what I mean about it making a difference who left who.

I knew my relationship with my ex was over long before I left and there was no way I wanted to go back.

However if you are the person who has been left and the split isn't your choice, it's likely you still have feelings for your ex and would have them back.
Which is no good for any new person you decide to get involved with.

No.

just take it slow

I was the person dated after a 5 year relationship and we are still together after 11 years and happily married for 8 of them.

The relationship wasn't a bad breakup though more fizzled out over time. He was perfectly ok to be out of it.

no