Advice from those who have instigated a split

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This is a very difficult post, I can't quite believe I am writing it, but have to face up to facts. I feel a bit of a fraud as there are so many posters on here that have put up with terrible behaviour from their partners and are wanting to split. My dh has not 'done' anything, but, over the last few months, we have drifted apart. Briefly - been together 15 years, married for 5, one child, aged 9. On the surface we have the perfect life - both professionals, nice home etc and we have shared some fantastic times together.

Now, for several reasons, things have changed - my career has progressed very quickly which has built up my confidence (I met my husband quite young and years ago, admit that there were times I was probably quite reliant on him in many ways). I feel very comfortable in my own skin and have begun to feel quite suffocated by the intensity of his love. We have very different interests which doesn't help. A few personal things have happened (such as bereavement) that have made me (I feel) become a very different person to what I used to be. I have also stopped fancying him and find it extremely difficult to be intimate. I feel that I look at him like a friend or brother and I love him dearly in this way. These problems may not sound like to big a deal, but my gut feeling is that I need to be on my own (we would share custody of our child of course)and my future not mapped out (as he would have it) with him. I do not wish to be with anyone else and I don't for one minute think that the grass is greener.

I have undergone some sessions of counselling, and although this has really helped me to understand dh's feelings, it hasn't changed my gut feeling of wanting out. I know the implications are huge - the emotional impact on all of us (particularly our child), financial impact, and the fact that I have thrown away a relationship that I imagine many people would stick at. In saying that, my husband is very much an 'all or nothing' man - he knows things are not okay and, although prepared to work this out - in fact, hes desperate to work this out - he has told me that he wouldn't be happy to stay in a marriage that isn't 100%.

I am not sure entirely what advice I am looking for - I would be interested in anyone who has instigated a separation, particulary when there was no specific reason such as adultery. I know its going to cause such emotional hurt to my dh and it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. I am also interested in how people practically went about dealing with this. We own a lovely home together and I feel that I couldn't ask him to leave, as this is not his 'fault, although we would have to sell the house at some point as it belongs to both of us, and neither of us could afford to buy the other out. It just feels like such a major mountain to climb and I never thought I would be in this place, but I can't ignore my gut feelings.

[foxtrottango]

i had a hard time explaining to people why we had split up, my reasons sounded so trivial to them, esp as i wasnt involved with, or looking for anyone else.

i kept thinking that i would never meet anyone that would love me like he said he did. by the time we split up though i didnt want another relationship, i just wanted out of the one i was in.

at least your dh is aware there are issues, my ex had no idea until i told him i wanted out. at the time i would have given anything to have been in love with him because it would have made things so much easier, unfortunately if your feelings have changed then no amount of wishing will change them back.

it was very hard at the time and i felt very guilty for (as i saw it) ruining someone elses life because i didnt feel 'right'. but, 2 years on, both his life and my life are immeasurably better and we are far happier. ive never regretted my decision.

i hope you find some way to resolve this soon x

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'I kept thinking that I would never meet anyone that would love me like he said he did' and 'I would have given anything to have been in love with him because it would have made things so much easier'. Foxtrottango - my sentiments exactly. I keep looking around our lovely home (which we've both worked equally for) and at our lives and know I have so much to feel grateful for. It would be a nightmare to rock the boat. I'm not going to do anything rash, but can't help my feelings. If we didn't have dc, then my decision would be made, but obviously, I have to put the effort in. Its just so hard when you know deep down things are so badly not right.