confused about my upbringing

[andherewegoagain]

so basically im just looking for some reasurrance and advice on how to deal with my upbringing and once again turning to all you mn's to help!!!

My parents split while i was a baby and i remember being V.clingy till i was prob 8yrs. I saw v.little of my father

I feel like i had a v.happy childhood and was always laughting and having fun at home.

As soon as i started high school things went down hill, eating disorders, self harm , drugs etc... Over the last year or so i have been thinking hard about what 'caused' all this and what was missing...and although i remember feeling happy when i was young, there was one thing missing. No one...at all ever said ..'i love you' or gave me a hug, or all them lovey things which i see other people doing.

I was also given no real boundarys and was let to do things that i would not in a million years allow my kids to do.

There was never any conflict at home or any stress which although sounds great im sure has caused some problems as i dont really no how 'normal people' deal with it...im in a somewhat emotional abusive relationship atm and find it hard to relate to my dp and am confused half the time if it is him or me starting it.

Anyway...im still v.close to my mother, its just now, i find i have problems sometimes showing my kids the amount of affection i want to, and i seems almost hard to say 'i love you' ...i feel so guilty...how am i suppose to sort this out...i just sooo want to be the good parent i should be as i love my DC more than anything.

Any advice??

interesting one - do you feel you are re-modelling your Mums behaviour towards you?

do you feel that the lack of boundaries in your teenage years felt like your Mum didn't care at the time (and that your behaviour was an attempt to get her o notice?)

how old are you DCs too ....toddlers and babies can be much easier to find cuddle-moments for (depending on the individual, some babies are much cuddlier than others..)

although it sounds too easy to say 'if you want to hug them more, do so' ..are there times of day you could put a cuddle and an 'I love you' in the routine? nightime best (personal opinion, when DD has been beastly it really makes me feel better about the whole day)

i don't think anyone is as good as they want to be parenting wise - you get the children and circumstances you get.

It's only since my marriage broke down and I've begun counseling I'm becoming to understand the profound impact my upbringing has had on my choices and behaviours in life, choosing men and how I treat my children.

Have you thought about having counseling to help you?

It also doesn't sound encouraging by you describing your relationship with your partner as possibly abusive? That cannot help your self esteem nor how you react to your children, as often how we feel inside can effect what happens on the outside with various situations iyswim?

This message is a bit of a ramble and may make little sense, but I feel for you though and the struggles you are having x

i sometimes feel although i try too hard to do the opposite to my mother resulting in me being quite shouty sometimes and not giving my children as much freedom as i would like and setting to many boundarys.

I def felt as though noone really cared for me and was pushing and pushing to see how far i could go befor someone would intavine (excuse my crap spelling!!)

teaandcake..i think it would prob be a good idea to go counceling...tho am wondering what i would 'actually go for' iyswim, like i was under the opinion i need a 'big' problem to go for and then work out all the other small details...sorry if that doesnt make sence??

thanks for getting back anyway

Yes I relate to that. I try really hard to be a better parent than my parents too. Almost the opposite really.

I don't have a big problem per se but knew I needed someone to talk to about everything and as the weeks have gone on my understanding has grown. There's a lot of options out there though, I've heard good things about CBT counseling for example.

Sorry I wasn't more help though x