Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Single Parent on Weekdays - How do children cope and marriages survive?

13 replies

MistyB · 10/08/2010 20:05

This is an option for us in the short / medium term. I'm not sure whether to move the family from a great location where we are happy and or whether it would be better to be a "single parent on weekdays".

What's it like being Mum and Dad, Monday to Friday? How do you manage stress this must place on your adult relationship? How do your children cope?

Any advice? Positive and negative sides welcome.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 10/08/2010 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

knuckingfackered · 10/08/2010 20:25

other half away on 5 or 6 day trips, we have a 9 month old and its always been like that even years before baby arrived.

I find just when you cant do another day / night on your own he's home and everythings ok.
Before becoming a mother I very much enjoyed my own space so I guess it depends what floats your boat.

DP now finds being away more difficult so maybe thats more the issue for you as it sounds like you have an older bubblier brood. He may get lonely for you all

omnishambles · 10/08/2010 20:28

I dont like the 'single parent on weekdays' either because its a completely differnt kettle of fish to single parenthood but have already taken a flaming this week for my insistence on proper use of terminology so will shut up.

In answer to your query - lots of marriages dont survive it because the dp gets estranged from the children, the other partner gets resentful andit all goes tits up.

onimolap · 10/08/2010 20:31

I've done this on and off for years, and we're all still surviving.

I found there is more stress - you are responsible for everything those days (and nights). You are never off duty and that can get unrelenting. And it's you that has to fix it when one child throws up and has to be picked up NOW and the other has a piano exam in 30 minutes....

In terms of the to discover support machanisms that make it all work.

But, as pointed out above, you are still a couple, have an intact income and none of the trauma of a split-up. You can be very ruthless in telling Daddy he's got to take the children away for all of eg Saturday morning, so they can reconnect and you can do something else. You will also need to make sure you find a way of keeping Daddy up to date on goings-on and routines - it's amazing how fast things can change and the potential for one or other of you feeling undermined can shoot up if a remark is interpreted as criticism.

Children cope fine - they know about Daddy's job and why it's important. They've visited him there, and we've been matter-of-fact about "this is how it's going to be", and they've always adapted well to changes to his working patterns.

I think the times they've said "I miss Daddy" can be counted on the fingers of one hand, but they are excited when they see him especially if he ever does get home mid-week.

The main reason we do this is so the children can stay in the same school at primary age and stay with their friends. If we had not done this, they would have had to move four times, and probably would not have seen that much more of their father owing to his long and variable hours.

onimolap · 10/08/2010 20:34

Sorry: weird garble (no idea what happened there). Should say...

"In terms of the day to day slog on your own, it's no different from being a single parent and you will need to discover support mechanisms to make it all work."

omnishambles · 10/08/2010 20:35

I also think its very different if its a situation you have accepted pre-dcs - ie army etc as opposed to (like my friends) they were expecting a hands on partner but instead they are away more and more for work and arent home before bedtimes etc thats when it all gets tricky iyswim.

orienteerer · 10/08/2010 20:36

DH works abroad for 6 weeks at a time, it works because you find ways to make it work. Skype is a godsend.

MollieO · 10/08/2010 20:41

Whilst I can sympathise with those who find themselves alone during the week it is completely different to being a single parent.

"In terms of the day to day slog on your own, it's no different from being a single parent and you will need to discover support mechanisms to make it all work."

Behind all the 'day to day slog' that you think you face as a parent whose partner is away you will know that you have his/her support both emotional and financial. In need they can come home and help.

Now imagine taking that away and having to rely on yourself, no one else all the time.

So the money you earn is the only money that comes into the household, any medical decisions are yours to make alone same for schooling and every thing else. Once you have your head around that you will realise that being on your own with the children during the week bears no relation at all to what life is like for a single parent.

MollieO · 10/08/2010 20:41

Apologies for the rant but I do get thoroughly fed up with friends wondering how they will cope when their partners are working away or on business trips.

KristinaM · 10/08/2010 20:43

our kids are 4,6 and 10 and they cope fine, hes been doing it as long as they can remember

ours are a pain at bedtime so that's a big stress for me, they often bug me til 10 at night

Dh is much better now at always deferring to me in terms of decisions re children, as mostly he doesnt really have a handle on whats going on IYSWIM

our relationship suffers from having very little time alone. at weekends hes tired, wants to chill out. naturally the kids want him to spend time with them and so do I

it woudl be easier if we have a relative who could give me the occasional break. or if we had sleeping children

MistyB · 10/08/2010 21:13

I'm really sorry for the inference that it is anything like being a single parent - I couldn't think of a better way of putting it - probably should have tried harder - is there a better term?

OP posts:
MollieO · 10/08/2010 21:15

Dp/dh away during the week might have been a better thread title!

buttonmoon78 · 10/08/2010 21:24

Misty - I am in your shoes. DH works away during the week currently. He'll be back soon and then another contract will come along and he'll be gone again!

It can be good - I feel more connected with my kids now, but there are more bad points than good. As others have said, keeping in contact is essential. I forget that there are some things I've not told him and assume he knows. He's knackered on w/es and I have to get him to make an effort to spend time with the kids.

It's not great, I must admit. But we make it work because it's what his job demands and therefore it pays the bills.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread