I don't want to have sex with him any more

[Dyweddiad]

Namechanger.

I am engaged to be married and we have a toddler DD. I love my DF and we get on well, he is fab in so many ways. If I imagine what I would spend a free day doing if I had a choice, it would be with him and DD in the day and a meal with him in the evening.

But I just don't want to have sex with him and it's really starting to get me down. It's not that I don't have any sex drive, as I am frequently having very sexy dreams about other people, and I feel turned on. But even if I feel like that, when it comes to having sex with DF I just get turned off. I don't even like him to kiss me. We do have sex, fairly infrequently but I'd say 3 or 4 times a month, and I always have to fantasise about being with someone else during it. God that sounds so horrible :(

I don't want to break up and I love spending time with him more than anyone else. I love cuddles and I love laughing with him. But the thought of never having sex with anyone else and never feeling in the throes of passion with anyone else is getting me down.

If I am honest with myself I started to lose my attraction to him a long time ago, even before DD was conceived. But I have never wanted to split up.

I'm so confused, but terrified now at the thought of being married and never wanting to have sex with my husband.

What can I do? He doesn't know I feel like this, though he has on a fair few occassions asked if I still fancy him; I've always reassured him I do and that it's all fine as I know he would take it badly.

How long have you been together, Dyweddiad? I take it a longish time if you have a DD together?

It's a tricky one. On the one hand you say you love living with him & spending time with him and your DD. And I would say that, when a couple is together for a long time & has young children, it's fairly common to not have sex that often (3-4 times a months is fairly decent with a young child for many couples and can feel ok).

What I'm more concerned, in what you write, is not that you don't have sex frequently, it's that you don't fancy your DF anymore. Has this been going on for a while, do you feel? You say if you're honest it's been going on for a while, but do you have ups & downs ie periods you do fancy him & periods you don't? I'm not sure what to advice, lets see what the others say, just throwing questions at you. But to be honest, my gut reaction is that if you consistently don't fancy him & can'r bear having sex with him or kisssing him then that's not something to take lightly. You could perhaps talk to a counsellor/therapist about it & explore how you feel? As sometimes these things can change. But sometimes they cannot.

Dyweddiad I'm sorry I don't have anything very helpful to share, but just wanted to say that I could have written your post... I am in exactly the same situation as you. Apart from dh and I have even less sex. It is depressing to feel like I'm living a lie. But my life / marriage is fine - not always great, but not crap - in every other way.

So I guess I'm just saying that I completely understand and really feel for you. And I'll be following this thread..! x

Tell him.

It's only fair to tell him you are not in love with him any more.

I think maybe try Relate as they deal with all relationship and sex issues.

It must be worth a go?

I'm sorry but you need to explain this to him and either agree to an open marriage (both of you stay together and raise your DC but are free to have other sexual partners) or you split up. It is fundamentally unfair to expect a partner who wants sex with you ust to do without, with no explanation. And the longer you remain in the marriage and make excuses to avoid sex rather than letting him know the truth, the more things will deteriorate between you and your H/.

I expect you decided to marry him because he was/is a nice man and you felt it was 'time to pairbond and breed - despite the fact that you didn't ever really fancy him. Were all your past partners sexy but nasty, by any chance? Unfortunately the myth that couplehood is compulsory leads to a lot of situations like yours.

Just because you don't want sex with him doesn't mean that you don't love him or are in love with him.

I would say that about 95% of couples go through this at some time in their relationship. Some have affairs and end the marriage because they can't be bothered to do anything about it. Others sit and simmer, like you. It's tricky.

I would tell him. You obviously aren't repulsed by him otherwise you wouldn't have sex with him at any cost. You can co parent as SGB suggests and still remain friends though he may not want this. What ever you decide to do please have a chat with him. He'll appreciate the honesty.

Hi, thanks for all replies just got back in.

mrsboogie I DO love him though, I know I do. I really want to fancy him. And although I'm not even sure this makes sense, but celticfairy is right, I am not repulsed by him and I do find him attractive. It's just the desire to have sex isn't there. At all.

I don't want to break up, I really don't. I agreed to marry him because of DD and because I want a life with him. But I will admit to having niggles of doubt even as I was saying yes.

I'm not sure he will appreciate the honesty if I tell him. He will be devestated I know, especially as I have in effect been lying to him :(

I don't avoid sex as such either, but I do turn him down a lot. I have explained it as a post birth thing (which to some extent I guess it may be as I'm never going to return to normal down there). But I had periods of not wanting to have sex with him before DD so I can't totally blame that.

Oh, and for what it's worth, I really fancied him when we first got together, in a rip your clothes off kind of way. I would fantasise about him before we got together and the sex was really good when we did (it still is if I look at it objectively). I had to really chase him to begin with. It's when the power shifted and I had him hooked, so to speak, that my desire started going off the boil, even though I was more deeply in love with him.

It's so confusing, I probably have issues so perhaps councelling is the right way, but would I need to tel him? I just don't want to hurt him, he's so happy at the moment

You need to hold off until you know what's going on. A dear friend of mine has just seen his marriage break up after his wife said they were just like brother and sister now- after only 5 years. Their sex life was never great- so you need to be honest.

If you live until you are 90 that's a very long time to be with a man who doesn't turn you on.

I think you need to work out if the honeymoon phase is over, or if you feel neutral, or if he repulses you.

It sounds completely like a power thing - now you have him, you're no longer sexually interested. Would you be jealous if he talked to/flirted with another woman?

It sounds as if counselling might help- as you are showing the typical behaviour of enjoying the chase ( sorry, but it's often a male way to behave) then when you have him, you dn't want him any more- as if the chase is all.

Are you wanting im to be Alpha male and he isn't?

Lots on the web about why women are hard wired to want alpha males and when they get beta males they aren't happy. Even though alphas can treat them badly.

Ring any bells?

yes commeci* if he was flirting and it was reciprocated I think I would (not just talking though, I'm not over jealous)

I don't want it to be about that though as it seems so stupid, but I've always had a desire for what I can't have. It's pathetic, why can't I just be happy?

I'm not sure purple as he is quite a masculine guy, but I definitely don't want to be trated badly! In some ways perhaps he's too typically male for me, I would naturally veer towards a professor rather than a footballer (not that he is either, but you get the gist). I am definitely much more academic than him, but I wouldn't say it bothers me.

There must be ways to reignite the way I felt at first? i suppose not having much adult or date time together doesn't help.

Are you on the pill? I went through a really bad phase when my doctor had changed my pill, since having the children we have ditched hormonal contraception.

Just an extra thought.

It strikes me that you may be thinking about this as a serious forevermore type of problem when it is highly likely that it isn't. It isn't uncommon to feel like this and a lot of the time it is unrelated to the partner or relationship itself, and more related to hormones or environmental influences that might be affecting your level of interest.

My sex drive has very much waxed and waned over the years, and has been for reasons related to pill, hormones my own body image, my own self-esteem (i.e. if I was low about things like work situ etc.). It has always come back in the end but DH and I wouldn't have got through it if I hadn't been able to talk about it with him.

If I were you, I would be looking at talking to somebody (or even just reading up) about what kinds of things may have caused this and how it might be resolved. Hopefully this will lead to you being able to work through this forever.

Above all, it's really important not to assign blame in this, it's not his fault cos he's not sexy enough and it's not your fault cos you're not horny enough, it is something you are going through (which may be medical, psychological, any number of reasons) that can be fixed. The likelihood that this is permanent is miniscule.

D

I completely disagree with those who say 'just tell him'. Complete honesty is overrated in such matters! The poor guy will be devastated. I feel this is the kind of thing you say when you want to break up, to be honest. If I were you, I'd explore the reasons behind all this & either then decide to stay or leave. This process though (usually through counselling/therapy) might take time & it's an individual process, so wouldn't involve him... so then it's a question of do you get married before you know for sure how you're feeling / what you want? Tough one.

DON'T MARRY HIM. WHATEVER YOU DO. IT DOESN'T 'FIX' - IF YOU DONT FANCY HIM ANY MORE, THEN YOU NEVER WILL, AND IF YOU MARRY HIM YOU'LL BE STUCK IN SOMETHING THAT IS HARDER TO GET OUT OF THAN JUST A RELATIONSHIP.

I am the same, been together 18 years, and just don't fancy him appart from the odd glimmer. I love him to bits and would never ever want to be with anyone else, he is a fabulus husband, and father, I just don't feel like shagging him.

OK if you used to really fancy him then there may be something you can do to get back to that sort of mindset. From your initial post I got the impression that you had always been trying to lust after him because he's a good bloke who you like - which is the sort of situation that always ends up in disaster, the more you try to make yourself want sex with someone, the more revolting the idea becomes (through no fault of the other person's).
JJD makes a good point: some brands of the pill are notorious for flattening the libido. Also, is there anything else medical potentially going on? Are you on any other kind of longterm meds (ADs, pills for hypertension etc). Lots of meds have the effect of reducing your libido and doctors don't always mention this.

Is there any possible reason why you may some deep seated anger or even annoyance that's been simmering away for a while? Based only on my experience, I really, really fancy my "whateverthebloodyhellheis" (which is about the only reason he's still kicking around) but for a really long time I didn't want to have sex with him because I was basically furious with him for a long running (still not resolved) issue.

Having talked long and hard about said issue, I feel much better and it really did change how I felt about sex with him.

I do seriously believe, though, that you shouldn't marry until you have this resolved. Relate or another therapy route may well help you.

I truly believe that if either party in a relationship/marriage is sexually frustrated they are likely to look elsewhere (and I have sympathy with them for doing so however unpopular that viewpoint is on here).

It is normal for sex drive to be diminished at times. You say yours is normal when dreaming or thinking about someone else, so this is not the case.

you say you love him want to be with him and find nothing repulsive about him. I would conclude that it is the situation and you are commitment phobic, the thought of monogamy for the rest of your days is frightening. You like the thrill of the chase.

Try dating him again.

Sorry couldn't get on last night, I really appreciate all the replies. There are some good points there and I am feeling like perhaps this is something that can change.

jamaisjedors I'm not currently on the pill, but was on microgynon for years, and I actually stopped taking it as it was turning me into a psycho and I lost my sex drive. I've since looked into the side effects (which noone ever tells you about) and they are shocking, including for some permanent loss of libido which I hope isn't my case. It is there sometimes so I doubt it, however I'll never use hormonal contraception again.

Belle I don't think I still have any anger or resentment, he really does treat me well. However I definitely did at the beginning of the relationship as he treated me quite badly. It took me a couple of years to fully get over, although I know he regrets his behaviour now.

I think we do need more dates, it's hard as we don't have much access to childcare and paying for a babysitter is so expensive (whilst we are also trying to save for the wedding). We do need to prioritise it though I know.

For those saying hold off the wedding, how on earth can I do that? That will cause as much grief as telling him all this, but also involve all our families as well. I do want to marry him, I really want to want to shag him and go back to having a good sex life

Watch some porn? Read some erotica (porn with words)?