Advice Please Ladies

[hoopieghirl]

I am new to thie forum but desperately looking for advice. I have been married for 17 years my husband has not worked for last 11 of them as he was house husband . Youngest kid is now 6 yet he refuses to get a job. spends all day on the computer talking to mates on a football forum while i work 10hr days to keep a roof over our heads. He contributes nothing emotionally or financially to marrieage. we have not had sex for about 3 years and I have had enough I want out or rather I want him out the house. Went to see lawyer today, he is entitled to half of everything even my pension so not only have i supported him for 11 years, he gets his holiday abroad every year and his £200 allowance a month I will have to give him my hard earned money if we divorce.Even though i want out i am afraid to take that first step we have been together 20 years.I know what I should do why cant I do it?

TBH, he'll get what you would have got if you were the SAHP.

Did your lawyer recommend a Mesher order? That's an arrangement whereby you and your children would stay in the house, he'd sign it over to you and only when the youngest is 18 would it be sold & he'd get his share.

Otherwise, could you afford to buy him out?

If neither of these options is appropriate then you'll have to sell up, unfortunately.

It sounds like you're not really sure about going ahead-have you thought about going to Relate?

Surely if you got divorced , sold the house and divided the proceeeds he'd have to buy his own place get a job and pay the mortgage or rent? If the kids stayed with you , you wouldn't have to give him 200 quid a month would you? Or do you need him to do the childcare still?
Either way I'd leave anyway
your happiness is more important than money

What do you plan to do about who should have the children living with them?

If they live with you, then I don't think you'd have to pay him any kind of maintenance.

Presumably the £200 a month is spousal maintenance?

Yes the £200 is his pocket money that I give him for clothes etc but allhe spends it on is booze and camera equiptment his hobbu I PAY FOR EVERYTHING ELSE he has no money coming in at all

No, it's his allowance that she gives him now.

hoopieghirl - do you think he would object to you having the children if you divorced?

I would have the kids with me would arrange child care around school hours i have school hols so would be ok for that

I'd go for it if I were you. His solicitors may chance their arm and ask for spousal mtce on the basis that he's been out of the job market for so long that it'll take him a while to retrain/get a job, but I don't think they'd get anywhere.

If you have the children with you, there's areasonable chance you'd get a bit more than half of the equity as you'll need a bigger house than him,but of course he'll counter that with the income/mortgage capacity argument

He would want the kids but most of all as a punishment to me he is extremely immature talks about our probs in front of the kids and is verbally very abusive when he has a drink which the kids have seen

If you know you could have the kids, I would definitely go for a divorce. I do think he'll fight for this, though, so be prepared for a battle - it's not just the children he'll be after, but the stay-at-home lifestyle.

If you are having to provide for the children and yourself, you won't (unless you earn an absolute fortune) have to pay for him, too. Why should you? He's capable of getting work. I know he's been out of the market, but he's not done anything positive about improving his employment skills - why then should you sub him for the rest of his life?

If he's been a SAHP for 11 years, the main carer for the children, he stands a good chance of getting residency tbh - just as a woman would in the same circumstances. So you need to be prepared to argue why they should live with you -how old are they, as their views will be taken into consideration depending on how old they are?

Thanks for all the replies has helped clarify things for me. He has taken kids on a visit to his family 200 miles away, went yesterday and did not have the decency to get kids to phone home. i had to try 4 times to reach them at his sister when I asked why he had not phoned in over 24 hrs said "we were busy" this is my kids for fxxx sake taken 200 miles from me and he did not seem to think i might like to know they were safe. That is his behaviour before we have split, says it all really. He is a little boy in a mans body when i ask if he will get a job he says "your pressuring me" God i could not make this up.

You can't do it cos it's scary - better the devil you know and all that. Yes he'd get half of everything, but that's fair. Any SAHP deserves to have thier non-financial contribution recognised. Do you maybe want to work it out deep down?

my daughter is 12 and sons 6 my daughter would not want to live with her dad she sees how abusive he can be when he drinks. My duaghter says that when dad gets them up for school in morning he lies on sofa while they get dressed etc and goes back to bed as soon as they leave house. He stays up drinking till 4am then sleeps most of the day getting out of bed to collect them from school. I am home 1hr later and i am the one who goes to parents evenings etc.

Is he depressed? Not trying to give him a cop out there - but I wonder how much he's changed since he's been at home?

Dont think he is depressed think he is just work shy and can't be bothered getting his butt out of bed to go and even sign on the dole would rather sit in the house watching football and on the computer. He is living off me and i am fed up with it he is 40 for gods sake not 70 he should at least support me emotionally if not financially we dont sleep in the same bed we dont touch or even kiss we dont have any physical contact apart from him putting his hand out every month for his £200 spending money. My kids dont need him at home any more they are at a]school all day yet he still wont get a job or even consider getting one but wants to spend my money on hols even looking at booking one for next year that is how he spends his time when i am at work and the kids at school.

Not sure what to say. Surely when he became a SAHD (in modern parlence)you realised that you were becoming the breadwinner and that might have repercussions were you to split (care of children / right to stay in the house / spousal maintenance). You only give him double the pocket money we give our teenager!

If he has an alcohol problem and you don't think he can care for the children properly then why do you leave them with him (& let him take them away)?

Anyway, if you want to end your marriage I think you should get some good legal advise as I think you may have a fight on your hands regarding the children / the house / pension sharing etc.

I give him that amount becuse it is all i can afford to give him i dont have that for myself a month I only earn £2000 per month and have to pay everything out of that. I dont spend 200 on myself every month wish i could but i have to pay for kids clubs and their pocket money etc