My friend would like some advice/stories

[BertieBotts]

My friend is currently in a difficult relationship. She isn't sure about posting on here but has asked me if I will post for her. She gave me this list to post. They have been together 4 years and have one child.
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Right I'm not happy because :-

1 My bf would rather spend all his time at the pub with his mates than with me.... making up excuses not to come home

2 He never compliments me

3 We never have sex :-/ I don't feel good in my self because of that

4 I'm not eating

5 He makes me feel really shit about myself

6 I have cried myself to sleep on many occasions

7 I just think whats the point in trying any more, he says he loves me but he does nothing that someone that loves you would.

........ advice welcome !!!!
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Someone on facebook told me I was ugly and I told [my boyfriend] (wanting him to say no you're pretty) and he said "HHUUMMM"

(The facebook thing isn't the only example it was just one which she said came to mind)

She also wants to hear from anyone who is or has been in a similar position as she is feeling very low at the moment.

Thanks in advance.

Doesn't sound like there are many reasons to stay. How come she can't leave? Has she tried to discuss any of this with him or is she keeping it all bottled up?

I can't think of one reason to stay with him, and every reason to leave!

It's not good for a child to grow up in that kind of environment.

(Sorry I know this is a bit awkward me being a go-between - this is from my friend)

domeafavour I'm scared to leave because he has made me feel that without him I have nothing and am worthless. I'm afraid of losing my baby because of it.... I have tried talking to him but he turns it round and makes it sound like I did something wrong.

Sounds like he has already done damage to her self esteem. Tell her to get logged on here and take heart and courage from so many women whose wanker abusive husbands are doing the same. She needs practical help, cab or council or womens aid to figure out how she can leave. She is not on her own, but she needs to act sooner rather than later before he does more damage. But sounds like she needs to gather strength first

Without him you will feel twice the woman you do now. Did you always feel this bad? Unable to eat, crying at night etc? No? That's because he has done it to you. You will be fine just you and the baby.

And now for some crone-ly wisdom. Being in a bad relationship is further away from being in a good relationship than being single is. A bad relationship means you are two steps away from a good relationship. First you have to escape the current situation, then find a better one. If you are single, and the right person comes along, you are free to be happy with that person.

Thank you from my friend for all the responses.

Just to clarify I am posting on her behalf as she is dyslexic and not good with computers and worries that her posts will be unreadable, I'm literally copying and pasting from an online conversation window and correcting the spelling as she asked me too. She has had a look on mumsnet and found it too confusing, but I'm trying to find old threads etc where posters have been in similar responses.

Why is she with him? I don't get it! There is no reason for her to be with him.

lose the baby how? I bet he's told her she's unfit, he'd get custody etc....

FACT is that he is HIGHLY unlikely to get full residency (custody) unless she is a risk to the children - of which having low self esteem is not a risk...

Also, being told she'd not cope without him is classically mentally abusive behaviour.

Did she survive BEFORE him? Then by rights, she'll survive AFTER.... she's done it before - it's just being HER...

If he spends all his time in the pub he certainly won't get residence, and probably doesn't even want it really.

There are only two things abusers say about the children in this scenario. One is that they, the abuser, will get residence and the mother won't see her children any more. The other is that the abuser will not see the children any more and the mother will be the evil one who deprived the children of their father. Both these statements are rubbish. Unfortunately they are easy to believe when you've lost all self esteem and rely on the abusive partner to tell you how the world works. The horrible treatment is what puts you in that low place and keeps you there, afraid to leave.

What a horrible person to say your friend was ugly. How often have I said Facebook is evil? I'll say it again. Life is too short to have people in it who are nasty for no reason. (And courts don't award residence on the basis of ugliness or, for that matter, dyslexia.)

Bloody FB again.

He's trying to frighten her by threatening to get custody. I sympathise as I was once scared of going to the Dr with anxiety and depression symptoms as I was afraid at some distant point it would be used against me in court. Madness, of course it won't but at the time it was a very real worry.

If she wants to do the best for the baby she needs to do what will make her happy, not put up with that kind of nonsense.

Facebook has a lot to answer for. It's does far more harm than good, imho.

I can only echo the advice given above, your friend needs the support of her friends so she can find the strength to leave this mentally abusive waste of space. Nobody deserves to be made to feel so shit.

Why does he say he would custody, rather than her?

she won't lose her child.

he is stringing her along and already she is feeling the effects of his emotional nastiness

no sex, no affection, no compliments, he spends all his time with his mates...

what sort of father and partner is he??

Your poor friend, Bertie, and so glad you're around for her.

Bertie's Mysterious Friend, this is no way to live. You're right, he does nothing that a man who loves you would do. But he'll never leave, because it's a nice set up for him - you might wonder, why does he stay if he thinks so little of me? But he stays because he's invested time and energy into grinding you down, you do all the childcare and he gets to be single when he wants to be, you're convenient.

Of course he won't get custody. And of course you'll meet someone else if that's what you want. You are clearly capable of attracting men, you have at least one friend who's worried enough about you to C&P as you go, that tells me that you're attractive and likeable right there.

You have a lot of life ahead of you. Can you bear to spend it this way?

She won't lose custody, it is an empty threat as he knows having to look after his own child will eat into his drinking time down at the pub.

sorry I missed a word out up there.

What court in their right mind would give custody to someone who doesn't even look after his child at the moment? He would probably be annoyed if he did get custody. I have a feeling that he's destined to be one of those men who moan about not seeing enough of their children, while making no effort whatsoever to spend time with them.

Where are they living at the moment - do they own a house together?