how much rudeness etc would you take if dh is stressed starting up a business?

[rwar]

dh is starting up a business to take on the clients from his old work, which has just gone under, so it's a stressful time for him.

He is being outrageously rude though, really nasty. We keep having the same argument over and over again - I have taken on loads of freelance work to cover bills, mortgage etc, and our youngest isn't sleeping, so I'm on about 3 or 4 hours sleep a night, but he keeps moaning about me working as if I'm doing it for larks, then I cry, he leaves me alone for a few hours, I approach him and explain why i'm upset, he apologises, but then it'll begin again over the smallest thing. every conversation we have ends in him being unpleasant in some way.

He has also shouted right in out 10 month olds face a few times over normal baby things.

I can see that he is under huge pressure. and I understand that he wants this to be about him and the new business, not about me being tired or getting a new job (I've also accepted a part time job, after discussing it with him).

I also think there's a big issue to do with being the breadwinner - I have pointed out that we need the money from my freelancing for now, which has really upset him, he can't seem to bear the idea of it.

I really want this to be an adventure we enter into together (I've said this to him several times), I want to be able to turn a blind eye to a certain amount of this because I understand that he's stressed, but I don't want him to fall into the habit of talking to me like I'm beneath him. He speaks to his mum ever so rudely, so I think it's a real possibility.

How do I deal with this so we're not constantly arguing / I'm not constantly crying or feeling sad?
I keep thinking I should just start ignoring him and not care what he says but can't imagine that making me happy...

Not this much, not by a long chalk. His pride's taken a beating and he's punishing you - and your baby! - for it.

You seem to be saying & doing all the right things. He's not allowing it to work. Others will doubtless be along, but imo it's time you put a stop to this. Firstly, turn your focus back onto you and baby. I bet you could do with a meal out with girl friends, a long bath and an early night. Have them. Often.

Tell him he's out of order, you've done your best and need some more positive feedback from him. I'd even suggest going so far as to say you'll be asking for a divorce if he's not willing to value his family as much as he values his professional pride.

Good luck.

thank you very for that, god it's really cheered me up just to have someone agree he's out of order, my mum think i should put up with it

I sort of admire your tolerance and understanding of his stress levels, but I think if you're not very careful indeed this will just become "normal" behaviour for him.

The problem is, if you accept some shit but not all of the shit then the boundaries get very blurred and you don't have nuch of a leg to stand on objecting to X when you were fine about Y (in his eyes) - the only way to stop it is to have a zero tolerance approach to any rudeness. So each and every time he behaves like a twat, you walk away telling him you're not prepared to be spoken to like that. Disengage - don't make it be a fight, just remove yourself and tell him it's unacceptable every time.

oooooh yes that is good advice! my problem is i always want to start explaining to him why i'm upset and drag it out, which ends in tears and arguing, going to really try to do that.

Grace is spot on rwar

He'll take his stresses out on whoever allows his behaviour to carry on. It's obviously a bit of a release for him.

Point blank refuse to acknowledge that this is an acceptable way to behave to you, and certainly to your baby. I'd have fucking roasted him alive for that .

If he needs to take his stresses out on something, tell him to go for a run, and not to bother coming back until he recognises that he's out of order!

Yes I did freak out at him when he shouted at the baby, he was really sorry about that but can't believe he did it.

I really think he has anger management issues, I am worried about him being with them when I'm at work, he is not violent and I completely trust he never would be but you don't shout at a baby do you.

rwar, to answer your question, "none". I think Hassled is right. I can see that he's having a stressful time but if this isn't nipped in the bud, it will set a standard as "normal".

And, bloody cheek, when you're doing all you can.

Shouting / swearing once in a blue moon when under stress is not good, but it happens, part of life. But if it happens every day then it's already starting to become your new normal and I agree with everyone who said that you need to set boundaries now.

Maybe it would help if he could do something relaxing, exercise, DVD, whatever, and you could help him with this. It's not easy when there's no time or money but would most likely be worth it. At the end of the day though, his language and behaviour are his responsibility, and he needs to control himself. Would he speak to his customers or colleagues like this if they were getting on his nerves (not saying you're doing anything to get on his nerves, BTW) ?

My Dh always uses tiredness as an excuse for why he swears at me, and I used to say, that's ok, nevermind, etc. Now he really does think it's ok to swear at me because he's tired, and that doesn't half ruin a marriage! I hope you can stop it before it gets that far.

Now if anyone knows how to set boundaries...

Shouting at a baby is pretty low IMO. Poor child.

Would he talk to his friends like this? He needs to have a bit of respect for you and his child.

Perhaps you need to sit down when you're both not stressed and set out that this is not fair, do not excuse him for being stressed etc. How long will this stress go on for? Running a business is pretty stressful anyway - he'll have to be able to cope somehow!

The worst my husband ever gets when stressed is a bit silent with a tendency to want to disappear behind a laptop in the evening. I snap a bit when my job (that I hate) gets on top of me, and always apologise before he pulls me up on it.

It's not on that you're on 4 hours sleep a night full stop, why isn't he taking half the night shift? Let alone treating you like this. Male pride is a bullshit excuse, you're basically propping up the household AND doing all the childcare and then you're worried that he feels bad in comparison? Fuck, you just can't win, can you?

Sounds like my husband.I don't think we should stand for it at all, but I understand being torn between giving him a bit of leeway cos he's stressed,and nipping it in the bud. but it can't go on forever and he has to try to help himself.

DH and I have been through some very stressful times, but we have never treated each other like this. A relationship where disrespect and nastiness become the norm is not sustainable.

The fact that he treats his own mother with such a lack of respect would really worry me and tbh, would have been a deal-breaker for me because I would see it as a sign of misogyny.

I think you need to really tell your DH now that you won't stand for any more of his horrible behaviour. The next time he starts tell him very calmly that his behaviour is unacceptable and walk away. Don't get dragged into an argument and don't apologise to him. How sad that you both have mothers that think this sort of behaviour is acceptable.

Put it this way, been there, got the T Shirt, 9 years later, gave my DH his marching orders last night.

Wow, nine years. Well done.has he gone?

You guys are under enormous pressure at the mo, money worries, lack of sleep, over work etc. don't make any decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life just yet. neither of you are behaving like you would want to I'm sure, the situation is testing you to break point. My best advice would be to find a time when you can talk, have so one look after the children and tell him straight that you do not have to put up with this kind of treatment and that the way he is behaving is making you question if he is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Listen carefully to his worries and concerns. get him to seek advice, Business Link etc can help with new businesses.If he wants this new job role so much that he is prepared to let everything else go then I'm afraid it tells you something about him. maybe he has just got so deep into his plans that he is blinkered from everything else. this wont be the only time you have to face stress and strain, there could be other times when you need him to be as patient and supportive as you have been for him.Do you think, given different circumstances he would be? He may just need a couple of good nights sleep and a clear head, send him off to a hotel or B&B or to his Mum's for a few days to get his anger under control so he can think more clearly (and give you a break) , not separation, just a mini holiday from the situation. I feel for you. This is the most awful time for you. I had a similar situation and we did nothing and my husband had a mental breakdown and needed treatment for over a year, I felt like running away and never speaking to him again, I felt let down by the person I had chosen to be my rock etc, just at the time I really needed him to help me (babyhood is a nightmare). things change, the situation will improve, but please help him to learn from how he has reacted to this or you will be faced with it again some time in the future.

Just picking up on what's already been noted - He treats his mum like this and your mum think it's your role to put up with it. So there's an underlying set of beliefs here: namely, that men may treat their wives badly if they feel stressed.

That's a big red flag to me. Unless you put a stop to it now, it will become the pattern for life in your marriage. I think you just have to come down hard, and mean it. I'm very sorry you're in this situation - with your being so tired, you must be feeling like you can't see the wood for trees. Do take some time out for yourself; try and get your thoughts in order with a little help from your friends (not your mum!)

Take care :)

Thank you for all the feedback - it's really helped me to step back and see things clearly.

I am going to calmly tell him when he is out of order and walk away - I tried it last night and it totally diffused the situation.
We had a good talk and he is really making an effort now, I feel like I've got this into perspective and have a plan (plus I had a lie-in this morning!)

I have been in a bit of a cycle of feeling sorry for myself (what you say is very true about tiredness ItsGrace) and getting involved in lengthy pointless tearful arguments.

Thank you for your advice Blueskys, I think you've hit the nail on the head with your last sentence. I hope you are both okay now.

The situation with his mum is very complicated, I have always hated the way he speaks to her but there is more going on there. She phones him on average twice a day and is a very difficult person to relate to (obv. that doesn't make it okay to be rude but she is very infuriating!). She has never pulled him up about anything though (really - he can't remember her ever speaking a cross word to him!), which has obviously contributed loads to the current situation. It's an ongoing battle to stop him putting me in the same box as her.

My mum just has this ingrained 'put the man first' attitude, she's amazingly supportive of me in all other ways though.

God, I hope you're okay SaggyArse how awful for you.

:) well done on disengaging and the talk - and your lie-in Hope all goes well.

Hmmm I'm not sure I agree with all this it will become normal. You are both under a lot of stress, aggravated by lack of sleep so things are tough at the moment. I think in those circumstances it is appropriate to give him some leeway.

Several months ago my DH, who is a wonderful husband and father was extremely stressed with work. He was working 100+ hours a week, was exhausted to the point he was unwell and the pressure on him was immense. he was a PITA to be around, grumpy miserable and short tempered with everyone. The night the project came to an end he slept for 14 hours and woke up his old self and then took us away so we could see the real him had returned.

Of course I was pissed of and angry with him but raising it with him at a time when he was already stretched to breaking point would have IMO achieved nothing. We have talked about it since and he accepts he was not good to be around but TBH if I had been in his position neither would I.

Shouting at a baby is not good and swearing at you less than ideal but I do think he deserves a bit of a break.

good luck

Ask him if he would put up with it from you, regardless of stress. I'm pretty sure you know the answer.

It's unacceptable, full stop.