Should I be suspicious - help!

[lme30005]

Hi

I'm hoping you can give me an impartial view on my suspicions as I'm a bit confused as to what to do.

I went on to my husbands mobile phone account online as our broadband is on the same account and I wanted to look at the billing info. He saw me on there and got really funny about me being on his mobile phone account. This was quite unlike him so being a bit suspicious I looked at his bills when he wasn't around.

On his last bill were 369 texts to one number that I didn't recognise. The same month there were 34 and 27 texts to 2 other numbers. In May there 139 texts to another number. Looking back the last 6 months (there was nothing strange before that) there were 7 numbers in total with high numbers of text messages but no calls to them

He rarely goes out after work or evenings/weekends so I can't think he could have met someone. But why would he have sent 369 text messages to someone in less than a month? He doesn't have friends he does that with. Anyway, I rang one number this morning and pretended I'd got the wrong number and asked who it was - it was a woman called Sasha. I then rang another 4 numbers and they were all women.

I'm hoping it could be an error or that something else he uses is counted as a text message - he uses the internet on it but data downloads are listed separately. But now I've rung 5 of the numbers and got all women answering, I don't know what to think.

I know if I ask him he'll deny it or try and baffle me with technology as to why it's like that, or say it's a mistake. Unless I have concrete evidence he won't admit anything. He's never cheated before to my knowledge but doesn't seem disgusted by all these footballers constantly cheating. There hasn't been any messages for a few weeks now but in the last month he's been far more attentive, giving me compliments and telling me he loves me which is a bit of a change.

I really don't know what to think - any thoughts would be great. It's our 10th wedding anniversary this Friday and I really don't feel like celebrating!

Thanks

Lou

:o tdwp are you back?

DWP...aren#t you a moldie [shh]?

I've just texted one of the numbers but she asked who it was. Said it was my hubby. Then she asked from where? Bit tricky to answer that!

His phone doesn't have any messages so he's obviously deleted them

Having it out with him shortly, ready for the denials!

stay strong, good luck

Well I did it and you were all just about right. He did try and deny it at first but I could tell he was lying and it didn't take long for him to confess.

He was chatting to people on a mobile phone forum and then getting their mobile numbers and continuing the chats by text - sex texts effectively. He said there was no emotion in it - just a way to talk about sex as it finds it hard with me.

We don't have a great sex life as we're a bit mismatched but I didn't think he'd stoop so low. He swears he hasn't ever done anything else with anyone which I believe.

I don't know what to do now - just want him as far away from me as possible but that's not fair on the kids.

Thanks for all your replies and help. You've been great today and correct. It really helps to chat about it otherwise I'd go mad.

Lou x

what a prat, so sorry . don't make any decisions right now, you need time to think. how have you left it with him, is he there now?

I am glad you now know the truth

even if it isn't very palatable, you can at least make any further decisions with full insight

I am a little he seemed to be blaming you though

that is unreasonable of him, I think

god yes AF, i missed that. what a bloody cheek, blaming the fact he can't talk to op about sex. gah, pillock.

I am glad I know now, felt awful today just wondering about it all.

I'm strangely not surprised though - maybe I thought he would end up doing something or think that men in general are bs

He keeps trying to talk, being remorseful etc etc. Told him to go away. I need time to think as I don't think it's hit me yet and I may still get angry!

Nice 10th wedding anniversary present. I'll remember this one if we stay togther

Forgot to say, it's been going on for about a year, on and off. He says he wants to stop but can't. Sounds like addiction to me.

I think he now needs to be honest with you about what he's prepared to do to make this work, and then you need time and space to decide if you can do it.
I'm so sorry your suspicions were confirmed.

Addiction? Rubbish. This isnt America! We dont invent medical conditions to excuse our bad decisions here in the UK. (not yet anyway)

TBH - it probably has more to do with this line: "we dont have a great sex life and are a bit mismatched".

After 10 years of marriage, its easy for things to get a bit stale and neglected.

No, I'm new! Was so chuffed at my clever name... oh well, back to the drawing board

OP, it's not addiction, he's just been an opportunist. He's been doing what he can 'get away with', if you like, and I would guess it's easier for him to feel less guilty about, while still getting kicks elsewhere. IMO it's tantamount to cheating, and I would feel exactly the same as you. Take all the space you need, a few days are easy to explain away to kids - 'Daddy's gone to visit so and so' etc.

I do agree with CCP that the term 'addiction' is over used and often its personal choice (poor choices at that).

If you feel that you have got to the bottom of it, then that is great and a good place to start from. If you choose, you can start to rebuild the trust.

For me, the text messaging was betrayal - paying other women attention when I was getting none. Just because my H didn't (at that point) actually put his penis in someone else, doesn't mean it didn't hurt and cause pain. But I do want to be clear, this is MY story and MY H - NOT YOURS. Because mine didn't learn from our experience, it doesn't mean yours won't.

I found counselling helpful. H didn't go with me the first time and if he had he might have changed his behaviour. Only now, 3 incidents (that I know of) later is he going and I, in my heart, feel its too late.

But is stupidity worth breaking up a family over? IMHO no, its not. Not the first time. Your family is worth the chance. There's an extremely good chance you will get through this and rebuild the trust.

I wish you the very best of luck x

Thanks

I know addiction is an easy way out. He's being all sorry and teary and couldn't go to work so he's here today. At least he can sort the kids out while I go out shopping or something.

Got zero sympathy for him. I share a small part of the blame for our marriage obviously not being perfect but what he did was not a way to solve it and he is 100% to blame for that.

At least he's taking the blame for once which is a start and he's realising the damage he's done.

The hardest thing is not what he did, but the lies and sneaking around. And doing it with me in the room and while I was pregnant.

I don't know how long it'll take to rebuild but will give it a try. Going to make him sweat a bit first though, the least he deserves.

He's given me his phone - might throw it in the nearest lake.

Thanks for the support x

My only advice is that if you are going to stay together, then make sure this is dealt with, and done properly. I am SO regretting 'letting him get away with it' by wishing it all away and trusting him too soon. I thought that he understood the pain he caused me and that, together with the thread of losing his family, would be enough to stop it happening again.

It didn't.

I went to Relate (alone). I tried to initiate change, both within the relationship and personally by combating my self-esteem issues.

He did it again.

If you feel you do share the responsibility, make sure you BOTH do this together and stick at it.

xx

Sorry to hear the bad news and hope that you can get through it somehow.