Help with deal with DH's anger and support him

[stswithins]

I'm not sure where to start but will try to get everything down in as few words as possible.

DH has always had a hot temper, but kept it under control. His Dad died in October of last year, not unexpectedly, but it had quite an effect on DH.
Since then, he has been losing his temper more and more frequently. He loses it with the kids, with me, at work etc etc.

For example, DD is having problems sleeping at the moment. Last night, DH lost his temper with her, and shouted at her. he then slammed the door so hard he woke our other DD up as well.
He then came down, and told me that it was my fault as I am a bad mother. he later apologised for saying this.
I took DD to the doctors this morning about her sleep. DH didn't offer to take her, make an appointment etc.
We met in town, he didn't ask how it went until 15 mins later, when I said the doctor had said to keep her stimulated during the day etc, he lost his temper again, started shouting at me why didn't I say this or that to the doctor etc and walked off.
He later had a go at me for chatting with a friend in town. When we got home he had a go at DD (she is 5) about her behaviour (it's no worse that any other 5 year olds - honest!)
I know this must have something to do with his Dad's death, and I want to support him, but I am so fed up of being yelled at etc, or ignored, or being told I am crap. It isn't all the time btw.
He has made an appointment at the doctors this afternoon, which a huge step for him, but I need to know how to support him, and also what to do about the way he talks to me when he is angry.
Well done if you've got to the end with this!

He needs to see a doctor and I guess go to some sort of therapy to help him deal with his anger.

But tbh, if it was me, I would tell him that either he deals with, and does it quickly, or I would be leaving.

He has no right to treat you and your dcs like that, bereavement or not.

Thank goodness he's seeing the doctor! He's not coping with his grief - if he's honest with the GP and gets some treatment (maybe some ADs and a bit of counselling), hopefully things will settle within a few weeks.

You might also suggest he takes up a high-energy sport (my favourite's kickboxing) to help disspate his 'bad' energy.

You shouldn't be "dealing" with his anger! Presumably you have discussed his behaviours with him. If he can't/won't fix it quickly, I'm afraid you'll have to review what this is likely to do you and your DC long-term.

Hopefully it won't come to that, though :) Good luck for later.

Short-term strategies:

being yelled at etc
... Watch calmly (as if you were watching a storm, or a scene on TV). As soon as the noise dies down, say - calmly & firmly - "I'm not being spoken to like this, I'm leaving now". Then get yourself out of his sight.

or ignored
... State firmly what you needed to say, as in "I'm just letting you know that XYZ". Then carry on with whatever you were doing, preferably out of his sight.

or being told I am crap
... Reply "I disagree." Leave it at that. Carry on, away from him if you're upset.

If you find yourself having to do this for more than a few weeks following his doctor's appointment, there is something very wrong with the blanace of power in your relationship and you need to post back!

Brilliant advice from Itsgraceactually.

A friend of mine's dh lost his mother about 7 years ago. His behaviour absolutely mirrors what you say about your dh.

She/he didn't address it, he didn't work through his grief (they also have financial and health worries too so it's tough) and he is even angrier and thoroughly hostile now.

Don't let this happen to you. I rarely say this but in my friend's case, I think she should leave. Nothing's changed and now it's become an abusive relationship really.

I had loads of sympathy with him for a long time. Now I just think he's a fucking bastard.

he must sort this out

the onus is not on you

and it is not acceptable that he treats you like his verbal punching bag

bereavement or no bereavement, I would not tolerate this treatment from anyone

The fact that he is seeing someone is excellent and means he realises there is a problem. He needs therapy, preferably CBT to establish what pushes his buttons and why he thinks it's okay to respond the way he does. The advice above about dealing with it is also useful, but I will warn you that it will not prevent the yelling - all it does is prevent you from getting into that mindset too.

Does he yell at his employer? Or his friends? Or is it just you and the children?

Because if the latter, then he's already able to control his temper, he just doesn't feel that he has to do so around you.

Grace's posts are brilliant. You can support him, but you need to set your own boundaries at the same time, because otherwise next time he's stressed he'll remember - she was happy to put up with me once before.

Thank you everyone for your good advice.
He is at the doctors now, so we will see what the outcome is.
He does lose his temper and shout at work too, so it isn't just us, but we're on holidays just at the moment so have noticed it more as we're spending more time together at the moment.

i don't usually agree with ultimatums, but this time that's what i'd do.

tell him in no uncertain terms to GET OVER IT. Yes his Dad's died, but they all do and unless he sorts his shit out, he's going to make life worse for his own sprogs.