Alcoholic DP - Head is spinning with it all, what to do next??

[vintagewarrior]

Bit of a back story, met DP nearly 5 years ago whilst getting divorced both mid thirties(no children from marraige) We both enjoyed the party lifestyle, Ibiza holidays etc. Both sold properties, and decided to travel for a year with the proceeeds. Had fantastic time, found out i was pg weeks before return to UK.

Both really pleased even though money, where to live etc a major issue.Pregnancy not the easiest, made more difficult by lack of money, living in shared house, partner looking for work.
Moved into a rented house two months before arrival of DS.

DP has always had a quite intense personality, tendency to be moody, but also very loving and caring, more sensitive than I am used to in a partner, but not a problem for me.

Since coming back from traveling, his moods increased dramatically, and the more I tried to sort out what makes him moody the more he tried to deflect it on me. Always moaning about lack of sex etc.. Being a new mum, it was not my first concern, too busy looking after my gorgeous boy and trying to set up a business. Just let him know he could talk to me if he ever wanted.

Over two and a half years we have grown apart more and more, he is like a child throwing strops all the time, I do everything around the home, he works but never earns enough to drag us out of the whole we've ended up in. Moods increasing all the time to the point I barely speak as I know I'll just get negative stuff back.
I thought I may have depression as struggling to get through the weeks, or make much headway with my business. So have been on 20mg Citalapram for 3 months now.

Went on holiday with friends for a week, he barely spoke to any of us the whole time we were there, screamed at me in the airport, ignored me as I stood there crying my eyes out. I ask him to move out for a break when we get back. Met with very good friend that weekend, who knows us both, was very surprised when she if I thought he may have a drink problem? She used to live with someone very similar. Partner has always ended up totally ruined when he has a drink, can't moderate at all, but drinks only about once a month. When I have spoken to him about it he admitted he spends most of his waking hours thinking about drink!!! but won't give in to the temptation as he cares so much for me and DS and doesn't want to be like that anymore.

He has been arrested, smashed himself up, got in fights, Drink Driving, thrown up in his sleep etc, but not since we've been together, other than a couple of times getting way too drunk in the first few months. So he's taken the test online, and what do you know scores 9/12, deffo alcoholic, contacted AA, been to four meetings, I'm pleased for him.

My main problems is that all over this past 2 - 3 years I have held this family together, done everything, tried to make a our relationship work, only to be put down, let down, ignored, snapped at etc. My beautiful Son has had much less happy interaction with his father than I'd have liked even though we all live under the same roof. He's too moody to get any fun out of a toddler at all.
Now I realise he may be much better soon, (Or not) but I've had enough. This seems to have taken my whole life over, until my self confidence is ruined, I can't sleep, i'm grumpy and disilussioned. I want a better day to day life than this, him either working or at AA or doing private work, means I am always on my own with DS anyway.

I feel deceived as he has felt like there may be a problem for years but never said it to me in so many words?? He has told me lots of things he has done whilst drunk (never OW) but spent ridiculous amounts (when we've been really hard up) nearly got killed coming home on bike, and i feel dead inside. No emotion for him at all, although I am on Citalapram so may also be effecting this??
I feel he has ruined having my first baby for me with the worry (driving round the streets looking for him at 2am with baby in the car)and stress. As he is coming to terms with this himself, no one knows so I also feel very isolated.

Should I ask him to leave for a while? maybe we can both get ourselves back together a bit and then see if it works? Feel rubbish even thinking it, poor poor DS, but I feel like I'm losing it, spent all week last week crying and having anxiety attacks. Its taken me so long to figure out what was up with you'd think i'd be happy, but I'm crushed that in some way this will always effect me as we have a shared DS.

I always seem to put others needs before my own, took me years to leave bully ex, and now my main coern is for DS and DP, but what about me??????

Any help gratefully received thanks for reading.

Ooops sorry very long!!

I've no advice to give, unfortunately...

But just to say that the sense of relief and freedom I felt when I eventually put an end to my relationship with alcoholic ex-DP was enormous. I would add that my DS was not my DP's son, so my circumstances were slightly different.

Your main concern should be for both your DS and YOURSELF, not your DP - he can look after himself. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but you do need to look out for yourself too....

Hi Vintage,
Alcoholics are a full-time job. I know I'm married to one, and have been for a v'long time.
After years of burying my head in the sand about it, then thinking I could somehow change him and make him "normal" to where I am now which is a sort of a resigned acceptance - his drinking will always be there. It's a disease and once you have faced these brutal facts - then can you decide what to do.

I take each day as it comes. I'll be honest with you, it's a bit like living over a ticking time-bomb. But the months that he is well and off the booze are enough to make me realize that I love him too much that I can live with it, but like I said, a day at a time.
You have to make a decision - do you knowingly accept his illness, which will always be lurking under the surface ready to pounce, as well as have DS live with it too, but because you care enough for DP you'll stay, or get out of it, and start again.
There's no right or wrong choice, just one made with all the facts clearly laid out in your mind.

...

I dont have any advice as I have just started to deal with the fact my new partner is an alcoholic. He has recently lost his job and until then was able to hide how much he was drinking/buying. Now I am the only one with money it all falls to me and I am ashamed I have enabled him by buying drink.

On Monday I refused to buy anymore.

OFFMYROCKER... I wouldn't say it comforts me as thats not the right thing to say but of the couple of people I have spoken too their first reaction was "kick him out, kick him into touch etc", but I love him and want to help him. I really dont want to loose him but I will not allow him to stay at our expense either. My son is just getting to know him (he is his father) and it breaks my heart that I may have to call halt on the relationship (for my sons benefit).

I dont know where to start to help thats if he actually wants it. If he doesn't then thats it I cant have him here

vintagewarrior, I think the feelings you are having are very common in your situation. As you say, the chaos and drama that go along with being in a relationship with an alcoholic is overwhelming. Everything ends up being affected by their drinking. If/when that stops, and everyone's congratulating the alcoholic on how brave they're being, you are left feeling "what about me?" You've kept yourself going through all the years of drama with adrenaline; once that goes then reality comes crashing back about how bad it's really been and how badly it has affected you.

The bottom line is that it is still very early days for him. Don't start believing that all his drinking days are behind him - it's way too soon to be sure of that.

More importantly, your feelings are valid. He has frequently treated you with a total lack of respect and consideration and it's entirely reasonable to feel angry about that. It's taken him a long time to destroy your feelings for him by his choice of behaviour. It would be unreasonable to expect those feelings to instantly return. If they ever do.

There is a very good book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie that is all about how being in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict can affect you. I think you'd get a lot out of it. There is also Al-Anon, which is the "friends and family" off-shoot of AA. You may find attending a few of their meetings may help. Be aware that Al-Anon is not about getting the alcoholic sober; it's about finding healthy ways of dealing with the fall-out of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Finally, it might be worth asking your GP if he/she could offer counselling for you. I found one-on-one counselling very helpful after splitting up with my alcoholic ex.

So sorry that you are having to go through this. Sadly you will see from the messages how common it is. My marriage ended 2 years ago after 20years together and the main factor was his drinking. The one thing I look back on and seriously regret is the extent to which I tried to manage everything, including his drinking. I got caught up in all the deceipt and was constantly covering for him as I was so ashamed. Not only was it physically and emotionally exhausting ( I was also diagnosed with depression), but it was also pointless as it meant that I was taking on all the responsibility and he was taking none. Once I was out of the relationship I was able to tell people what had been happening. The whole thing has been incredible painful but I have a much more realistic picture now of what was happening (and continues...)Friends comment that I am a different person - 'managing' and alcoholic is a full time job.
I don't know what the best way forward is for you, each persons experience is so different, but I would advise you to talk to family and friends. Once you start covering for someone you feel part of the deceipt and it can be very dificult to find a way out.
Take care
x

I feel so :( for you, you've tried so hard to make things work with this man.

You met him when your priorities were totally different. A partner for partying with, staying up all night getting out of your head, Ibiza hols etc is very, very different from a partner for running a household and having a child.

It may be that you're flogging a dead horse with regards to the relationship. Aside from alcoholism as an addiction, it sounds like he may be resentful of giving up the party lifestyle. If the baby was unplanned, maybe he is seriously struggling to adjust.

My advice is to gently suggest living apart for a while so he can sort himself out. If he really wants to make things work with you and LO, he has to work really hard. If you keep him with you, you're not helping him and much worse, it's seriously affecting your well-being. You love him and he loves you, but I think living apart will help you both right now.

My DH and I met whilst travelling and moved in together really quickly to work abroad. When we returned to earth a year later, I suffered from depression and we ended up living separately for 2 years, and it felt like death on a plate at the time as I was so emotionally dependent on him, but it was the best thing for our relationship in the long run. It allowed both us of to re-evaluate things and make ourselves healthy and happy separately. He had ishoos too, he wanted a crash pad with mates when I was up for a cost twosome.

I think as long as you let him stay in the house with you, you'll be trapped in a negative spiral. Move him out, build separate and strong lives, and if it's for the best you'll end up together, secure in your commitment.