hate to say this but... i think i still love my ex h

[benbon]

gosh i really hate even writing it and i know after all the hurt he has caused me in the last year i shouldnt feel like this anymore... but i do.. why???

he just upped and left after 8 years together 2 days before we were taking the kids to euro disney for their birthday and 1 week before our wedding anniversary... didnt want to even try and work things out... was too busy confiding his problems in other women and not in me!!

since he left my nanny passed away at xmas which he was too busy " with then girlfriend" to look after them so i could visit in hospital ( she had a stroke on new years eve but didnt pass till 27th jan) he also went to 0z for 5 weeks so didnt see kids.. refuses to help me out if i need it for example i asked a couple of months ago if he could have our kids over night on fri just gone as i had a wedding cake to make for this sat and couldnt risk my son putting his fingers in it to which he replied no... then of course my son destroyed about 7 of the cupcakes...

but for all his faults he never laid a finger on me always loved me or so i thought never stopped me doing anything... why did he say to me he never wanted to be married and never wanted kids... needed to be him.. needed his own space.. then started dating someone after 2 months which ended when he met his current gf in january who he has now been with for 7 months.. she also has 2 kids... just doesnt make sense so why do i think about him all the time.??? i want him back although i cant say this to friends and family as they have all since said they never liked him...

its not through lack of me trying to move on either... have been on many dates.. was even naughty with another man last night but cant shift my husband from my head...

sorry very long post!

8 years was a long time to be with someone so understandable you still have feelings. His excuses/explanations for leaving you/kids are lame and pathetic.

However If I was you I would seriously think about wanting to take especially with the kids involved. Showing you lack of support to look after his own kids is just shameless.

Guys use "never laid a finger on you" as a weapon to sound great however abusive words are more harmful then physical voilence. I'm speculating that is what you were getting at when you said "but for all his faults he never laid a finger on me". Sorry if I got it wrong.

Just airing my thoughts hopefully might help.

It's sad you feel you still love him. He really does sound awful.

If you want to distance yourself from him, maybe this would help?

Firstly, don't move on with other men until you are ready emotionally! For some people it can help but for others, it can send thoughts reeling back to happier times and the false (but tempting) security of familiarity.

I'd also suggest not asking for favours from him. It means you remain engaged in a cycle of him raising your hopes then dashing them, making promises then breaking them - all of this is emotionally charged behaviour which can make it nigh on impossible to disengage fully from the relationship fully.

If you don't want to distance yourself from him, really do want him back, I'm not sure what to say! Love has to go both ways though and it is hard if it isn't reciprocated but if it isn't, there can't be a relationship.

you don't want him back

you are grieving for something that never existed

that is perfectly understandable

now put that sorrow in a box, and take it out for 10 minutes every day

cry and scream for 10 minutes

then put it away again until the next day

it will get better, I promise

What AF says. I did this when I walked away from an abusive boyfriend years ago. I acknowledged my grief and my love for him without question. I allowed myself an allotted time every evening to wallow and cry. Then I forced myself to stop thinking about him and kept myself busy the rest of the time. It worked.

I am exactly where you are Benbon...

My ex h left a year last April, was a total shit to me and got together with someone else very quickly. I have tried to push him out of my head..done everything everyone has told me to do..Looked after myself, gone on holiday, gone out with other men (even seeing someone at the moment)..and I felt like I was getting somewhere.

Until he tracked me down when I was out one night and we ended up chatting. I'd had far to much to drink so came out with all sorts of stuff...even telling him I still loved him. Well it ended up with me walking off as I started to feel upset. About an hour later, he text me and told me to come over to his flat and continue our conversation and...I said no.

Since then, he has sent me messages saying he wants to be friends with me...I don't think I could ever be his friend. I know we could never be together, however it does not stop me thinking about him constantly. Its like he's got this hold on me!!! Like everything I do, I have him in mind...

I really like the new chap I am seeing but feel my ex h is in my way and will always be there. I sometimes still can't believe we are not together anymore...

Life is bloody cruel sometimes..wish I could get him hypnotised out of my mind.

Agree with anyfucker.

Crap for you though .

I can't help wondering if your feelings today have been partly brought by your "naughty" night with another man last night? Probably made a comparison between ex-h and other man - it's natural to do. If you're not over ex-h no other man will do - yet. But you will get there, and get to a point when you realise you haven't thoughts about him for 3 hours/a day/a week/a month.

Chin up

I have a weak spot where my ex is concerned particularly as now we are not together we get on really well
I remind myself of what he was like to live with and how much better life is today
benbon it's still early days and you've had a bereavement to contend with, go easy on yourself
and having sex with 'another' man is not 'naughty' you know, you are single