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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hooray...dumped shithead bf....but sad...

20 replies

fizzfiend · 08/08/2010 20:38

I have finally after almost 3 years of being treated badly, done the right thing for me. I dumped him.

He wasn't abusive. But he would throw in lots of remarks like how he'd thought about me just once that week. Or how he bought his ex this expensive gift...the story goes on but where's my expensive gift? Not that I want one, but you know what I mean.

Also, he always was on the lookout for other women coming his way. And he would probably have had sex with them if he got the chance.

But mostly we're together he's lovely to me, cooks for me, takes me to lovely places. So it's been really hard and I have finally decided that he's no good for me.

So I was brave,I told him that was it on Friday. Spent most of the weekend in tears, listening to music, and thinking of good times. Felt a bit happy today, but now sinking back down...I loved him to bits.

What's the best way to deal with this. Should I allow myself to indulge in nostalgia sometimes or isn't this a good thing to do? I don't know...it's so long since this has happened to me. I spent 3 hours in tears on Friday...my eyes were a picture on Sat morning.

OP posts:
Karmamama01 · 08/08/2010 20:40

Have you talked to him, how does he feel. What does he want.
Do you have children together?

TeeBee · 08/08/2010 20:41

You are a very brave lady who knows she deserves better. I salute you!

FWIW, I think its fine to cry it out and purge yourself. You'll get to a point where you just can't cry about him any more.

Tippychoocks · 08/08/2010 20:44

I think have a good wallow (DO NOT phone him though during drunken Patsy Cline fest) and then try to move on as best you can.
You sound very strong and together.

piratecat · 08/08/2010 20:46

poor you, my heart goes out to you. you have been so brave.

keep coming here for support. wallow when you need to, you have to get it all out. Try your best to focus on the things about hi m that sapped the life out of your life iyswim.
xx

Original poster
fizzfiend · 08/08/2010 21:07

thank you so much for your lovely messages...it makes me glad to know I'm allowed to wallow....I do remember now that they say real tears have different hormones in them to fake ones. Oh no REM everybody hurts is on...:-(

I'm not always feeling this strong...it's taken me ages to do this...always going back for me because I was addicted.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 08/08/2010 21:10

"he always was on the lookout for other women coming his way. And he would probably have had sex with them if he got the chance."

Then you have absolutely done the right thing

Original poster
fizzfiend · 08/08/2010 21:16

I know Longtall but it's not always that easy when you love them is it? He had some incredibly wonderful traits too. I miss him madly already.

It's incredible that when you write stuff down, it looks really bad, but that is actually the truth. I know I've done the right thing but my heart is broken into a million pieces.

OP posts:
MarineIguana · 08/08/2010 21:17

Have a wallow, it's OK to be sad, but remember by doing this you're making way for something better - maybe a better man, one you deserve, and to start with simply a life where you don't allow yourself to be treated badly. You have done a brilliant thing for yourself, well done.

Saffysmum · 08/08/2010 21:20

How did he take the news? You've done the right thing, but sod's law means that you will now find yourself remembering all the good bits and playing down the bad bits. This is normal. Just hang on in there. Have a good cry, but remember that slowly it'll get better, and you have done right thing.

Original poster
fizzfiend · 08/08/2010 21:23

Well I did it by email and he hasn't even responded.

Says it all doesn't it? Oh my god....what was I thinking?

I am starting to hate him now...just having this conversation. But then I'll lie in bed tonight remembering the amazing times we had together. And I'm really not deluded...we did have amazing times. He sounds so horrible in writing that I feel like I have to defend him FFS!

OP posts:
Original poster
fizzfiend · 08/08/2010 21:24

He's probably thinking he'll let me calm down for a bit which is what he usually does when we have a fight. Then I'll go running back with a big smile on my face....not.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 08/08/2010 21:29

Yes, he's probably thinking that he'll let you stew, and then you'll go grovelling back - but please don't! I think you know you've done the right thing. But you'll need all your resolve, because in a day or two he'll realise you mean it. Good luck.

Original poster
fizzfiend · 08/08/2010 21:47

Thank you Saffysmum....because I am really scared about how I will react when he contacts me. He is a genius at apologising...and at complimenting and all that stuff. If/when he does get in touch I might have to come back here for some help with my resolve.....thank you. It is so good to get other people's opinion rather than trying to work out the yes but/no but thing in your own head...

OP posts:
MarineIguana · 08/08/2010 21:51

Maybe you could say something like "perhaps we can be friends at some point but I need my space for the moment" - that way you sound calm and reasonable and it might take the wind out of his sails.

MarineIguana · 08/08/2010 21:55

Actually the more you say about him the more warning bells he rings, tbh. Nasty, undermining behaviour, belittling you, making you feel unfavourably compared to exes and other women - but great at apologising and charming you? Hmmmm. Not a million miles from the way some very serious abusers I've seen described on here started out. Of course he can be lovely, of course he can show you a wonderful time - you wouldn't have given him a chance at all otherwise - but the key thing is the cruel, unsettling tactics that are meant to keep you on your toes. You can and should run a mile while you have the chance.

Original poster
fizzfiend · 08/08/2010 22:42

Marine....you have him in one. would run a mile but just taken a sleeping pill and will probably be crawling up the stairs.

OP posts:
oliviasmama · 08/08/2010 22:54

respect fizz, well done you Smile

Saffysmum · 09/08/2010 09:51

How you doing this morning fizzfiend? Hope you managed to get some sleep.

ItsGraceActually · 09/08/2010 14:04

Well done, FF :) Very wise.

Of course you must let yourself go through all the anger, resentment, regret, sorrow, etc. I'd recommend posting a bit more about it all here, as he sounds like a prize manipulator and you'll be able to see that even more clearly when you've written it down (and can re-read your posts & responses).

Gin? Large Galaxy? Here, have a choc-ice, I bought a bumper pack yesterday Blush

In fact, have the rest of the box!

celticfairy101 · 09/08/2010 18:48

You know your heart would be breaking several times more if you found out he was cheating on you. And you feel threatnened that he'd do it. It must leave you feeling very insecure but also very dependent on him.

I think you've been marvellous so far.

Another good break up song is 'The Great Divide' by The Cardigans. Don't dwell too long on these sad ass ballads. Get some glee into your life and remember girl:

Don't stop believing.

runs away to throw up in a bucket

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