My partner doesn't talk to me

[glindawizz]

Please help - have never done this before and calling out to any mums who can relate to my problem.

I have been with my partner for 6 years, living together for 3.5 years. I have 2 kids (15 & 13) from a previous marriage, that ended as he was a mental bully. I obviously have scars from this. 4 yrs ago, I had to have an op and my ex sent a text to wish me well, saying he'd always be there for me - didn't mean anything to me whatsoever. However, my partner read my text (un beknown to me) and following my op took me to a jewellers and bought me an 'engagement' ring, saying he wanted to show my ex I was now his. There was no proposal. Since then, nothing more has been said and as I am now 40 yrs old, I want to know about my future.

My partner had been married before but it didn't work out because they never talked. I love him but he acts like a child sometimes, getting himself into silly moods and I can't stand it. He won't talk to me about anything important or that he doesnt want to. He earns 3 times more than me and thinks nothing of spending it on things for himself or boys toys.

My partner and I had a massive row recently and he blurted out that he'd thought about a surprise wedding and had looked at a couple of rings. I remember saying that I would have preferred to do this as a couple, together. I felt compelled to say that I didn't want to get married as I secretly felt that's all I want. He said we'd talk about it but he's never mentioned it again.

I just want to know I'm as important to him
as the toys (machinery) he buys for himself is. I do want to get married as this is a security thing for me and I cant bear hearing about other people getting married who've been together less time than us. I feel as though I'm doing something wrong! I'm very depressed about it, I don't know what he wants. He has told my friend he loves me but finds it hard being a family man. I can't talk to him.

glindawizz Sorry to hear your problem.

Could it be that he just dose not think. Not sure if this means you are not important to him

Your question of you "want to know if I'm as important to him" This means the problem is how you feel.

Do you feel distant from him?

Have you had any time together for a while?

Move out, move on, start again, NEXT! He's had 6 years of dating you and 3.5 years of living with you to decide whether or not he wants to marry you and it looks like he doesn't. Get out now while you're still only 40.

If you can't face that, just ask him once for a date when you'll get married. If he refuses to give you a set date - or says one more than 12 months away - then go.

I know this is hard but staying there with him will give him no reason to marry you, will it, because living together IS like being married!

"he blurted out that he'd thought about a surprise wedding and had looked at a couple of rings"

Sorry but this sounds like a fib to keep you hooked in.

Knee jerk, Beautiful. How can you say that just going on opening post without more information?!

OP is it about the marriage/wedding or is it your fear that he is not committed to you and your family for the long run.

Loads of people don't want to get married, dh and I didn't for years. My dh was pathologically opposed to it but that didn't mean he wasn't committed. Are you too focussed on that?

Are there lots of holes in your relationship as well as the boys toys and feet dragging over wedding?

"Knee jerk, Beautiful. How can you say that just going on opening post without more information?!"

Well, it's kind of black and white, isn't it?? Are they married? No. Does he know she'd like to get married? Yes. Did he give her an "engagement ring" and then, in the following 4 years never do anything more towards getting married? Yes. Is she happy? No.

Thanks for all your messages and advice. I can't talk now he's home! I'll try and talk to him later if I can. Wish me luck?!!?!?!?

I think it is knee jerk Beautiful. There are many couples who don't want to marry. We have friends- he is now 60- who have lived together for over 20 years. I don't think he ever wants to marry again ( he is divorced.)

It's not about a piece of paper it's about commitment.
THIS is more the issue:

My partner had been married before but it didn't work out because they never talked. I love him but he acts like a child sometimes, getting himself into silly moods and I can't stand it. He won't talk to me about anything important or that he doesnt want to. He earns 3 times more than me and thinks nothing of spending it on things for himself or boys toys.

I don't think I'd want to live/be married toa guy like this anyway.

He's just gone and bought a new boys toy (I'm talking a few hundred pounds here)!!!! He knew I wouldn't be happy. He said he bought it for 'us' to have fun with and he got it cos he wanted it!!!!

He wanted to show the ex you were his? Putting a ring on your finger doesn't make you property. Did he buy the ring just because of the text then? If so that's not really the sort of man you want to be marrying.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You need to ask yourself some pretty tough questions like how you ended up in another poor relationship situation. Counselling for your own self would be helpful to decide what you want to do. If you do extricate yourself from this relaitonship then you need to have plenty of time of your own along with working on your own self esteem and self worth issues (men like this one and your ex are adept at lowering self esteem and worth).

What do your children make of this man who is acting as their stepfather?. Do they actually like him?. What is their reaction to him, how do they feel about the way he treats you their Mum?.

Accepting a ring from him made you in his eyes his property to do with as he pleases. You did not even get a proposal. I do not think he will ever marry you.

Your current man is an immature and emotionally stunted manchild, he probably thinks more of his boys toys than he does of you. He purchased the gadget for him, "us" is not applicable here is his mind. You to him are a fanny with a washing machine attached (to paraphrase another MNetter here).

The ball is very much in your court and you (unliek your children who are witnessing all this and learning from the two of you)have two choices with regards to him - stay and put up with coming a distant second or leave him. Have you considered that you are actually both teaching these young men damaging relationship lessons?

Irrespective of whether Beautiful is right, there's some deeper issues here.

Your boyfriend thinks you're property. His most overt sign of commitment wasn't about you, it was about marking his turf.
He doesn't talk to you about anything important or that he doesn't want to.
He "gets into silly moods".
He doesn't want to be a family man, and you have two children.
You have incompatible spending habits - you resent his purchases, he goes ahead although he knows you'd be cross, this isn't the way a marriage should work.

You really shouldn't marry someone for security. And you really shouldn't marry someone with whom you have incompatible views with regards to communication, finances and family life. They're, like, the essential elements of a good marriage. You have three strikes.

Even if he did propose, I wouldn't recommend accepting without a course of couples counselling. You two sound completely incompatible.