I don't know what to do really.
I've been married for 17 years this year. We have two kids under 8. One is autistic - high functioning and bright but he requires support over and above a child of his age. It can be very draining.
I have no parents. Both died before I was 30.
I have a disabled brother who lives nearby and whom I support. I have a sister who is fairly self-obsessed and of no use.
DH works over an hour away. Weekdays, he's not home before 7.
I look after the kids on my own. I work and study too. I also do everything else - shop, plan holidays, pay the bills (he wouldn't even know how much his council tax is or how much money we have in the bank), cover all the stuff for the two DC, particularly DS1 (autistic diagnosed recently with Asperger's) who has had lots this year as he was being diagnosed.
On top of this, I have had a year of battles with the school to try and arrange appropriate provision and support for DS1. This has now ended in a very time-consuming application for a statement of special educational needs.
DS1 has health problems which require investigation and also requires daily support and encouragement with basic issues like trying new foods and social skills.
The problem? I am coming to the end of my tether with DH and his lack of support. He goes to work, comes home, puts the kids to bed. End of. He does nothing else.
He was always a very laid back guy (a touch Aspie too I think)and was never the sort to arrange a holiday or even plan a birthday present or christmas presents. He has no friends. He has never bothered to keep in touch with anyone. He has no interests. He never goes out of the house. He always talks about wanting to pursue 'big ideas' to do with working for himself but moans that he never has the time. This annoys me as I never have the time but I am a 'can do' person and he is a 'can't do' and the truth is that when he has been self-employed he has left everything to me (all his accounts, business paperwork, VAT etc).
Consequently, he has no idea how much effort is involved and no insight into the fact that he is, sadly, not a self-starter. Left to hisown devices, he would end up eating toast and watching countdown.
DH has never read a book on autism. He asks no questions. He is not in denial. He just says 'you know all about it'. He shows no interest in the statementing process. He has legt it up to me and not even read the 11 page statement I spent the weekend doing.
He makes no effort to think about what DS1 needs or how we can get the support/treatment he needs. He equally pays no attention to DS2 starting school and would never think of the boys need clothes or food or shoes or coats.
I am struggling to complete my PhD which has to be submitted in Sept. I have the kids home and I'm trying to wrok around them. DH is encouraging b ut as soon as I start to work, the kids argue, he sits there with tea and toast and they come running to me.
We have just had a massive argument about it. I am sick of it. He seems miserable. He is great when he is with them but he is having to be forced to engage with them and they know they are happier with me so they come and ask me for stuff as 'dad is being grumpy'.
Sometimes, it just feels like things would be easier if he wasn't around.
He was talking with his brother for the first time in ages yesterday (on the phone). His brother is in IT and works in Ireland. Hhe is single. He has made enough money not to work for two years. But then he has no kids and generally lives off about £2.50 a day (while, I'm sure, not paying tax etc) as a self-employed constractor. DH was being all envious and admiring as they chatted about how it was crap to work for someone else and it got me disproportionately angry. His brother has no family to support and no friends. He's a free agent. it is easier to live like that. But DH would never have the gumption to get up and do anything different if I didn't plan it out for him but I'm sure in his own head that he feels his 'lack of time' is what is stopping him.
I just think I have very little respect for him left.
If we argue, or even talk about it, he always says, 'leave it to me, I'll take over the bills etc'. Of course, it NEVER happens and it never will.
It's just put up or shut up really isn't it?