So depressed...help!!

[soverign21]

i'm a bit of a lurker on here but i have decide to ask for advice because im so down and feel so alone atm

I have recently spilt from my dp of 11 years, we have 4 children together aged 7, 3, 2 and 6 months
3 weeks ago i was very down as we werent spending any time together as he was out every night round his friends house and telling me he was spending time with his mate and his mates sister (which i was very jealous about and thought something was going on), he doesnt work as he quit his job a year ago saying it was making him depressed (something which he does quite often) and has made NO effort to find another one, he doesnt help with the kids prefering to sleep half the day away, spend the rest of it on the computer then go to his friends once the dc have gone to bed, so when i told him how i felt we decided to part with him staying here till he found somewhere else, after 3 days it was unberable being near him as i love him so much still and we ended up in bed which confused our situation so we had a talk and i explained how i was feeling and how all i wanted was to spend time with him, alone when the dc went to bed and for him NOT to go out every night, he agreed and said he loved me and didnt want to lose me.
This was ok for 2 nights then he went out with his mates and the next night even though he'd promised we could snuggle up for a film together, the next day i asked him to stay in he said fine then his mate rings and he says he's going out so i went beserk, told him to leave and i didnt want to be with him, i thought i was doing the right thing and that it was what i wanted, that the relationship had run its course, so off he went to stay with his sister
when he first went i tried contacting him to see the dc, he came twice for an hour, wouldnt talk to me or look at me so i told him to take a week out to sort his head out
After the week was up he came and he said he'd see the kids more and help me out but we shouldnt get back together but be friends and i agreed.
We were getting along brilliantly but after he left id be in pieces, i found myself questioning my abiity to cope with the children on my own and everything else and my friends seem to have abandond me, everytime i call their busy and i also dont feel i can tell them how im really feeling as they say im better off without him, i was like a single mum anyway, i also cant talk to my mum as she thinks i should have got rid of him years ago
But i cant stop thinking about him not just for the sake of the kids but i still love him very deeply, when he comes round if im upset he hugs me and says he's my friend and i can talk to him anytime
So yesterday when he came round i was in a state as i had a dream where he proposed to me and i was so happy then i woke up and reality hit like a sledge hammer and i was devastated i spent nearly the entire day in tears so when he came and asked what was wrong i told him, he hugged me and said it was strange as i never wanted to get married and i said my feelings had changed years ago and that i would have jumped at the chance of marrying him, he became very quiet and after half an hour with the kids he left with the hump, he later text me and said he'd learned more about my feelings since we split than in the whole time we were together and that had made him sad and the whole marriage thing had made him ask what if?
So last night i text and asked if we needed to talk and he said no and im not proud of this as i had been drinking but i text him and said he clearly never loved me and he repiled by saying he loved me once but not anymore
I am devestated, absolutely gutted, i never thought he had stopped loving me and i replied by saying some very hurtful things
I text to apologise this morning and he wont talk to me he was very nasty in what he wrote back and wont see the dc atm
I am so depressed and lonley and im feeling very guilty about everything especially the kids but when he did come he spent most of the time talking to me rather than quality time with them, i really want him to see them as much as possible but i dont see how this situation is going to change, i accept that i have to be an adult and deal with this whilst he sees the kids and im fully prepared to do that even though it hurts me very much but i just dont know what to do anymore the kids are missing him so much and he wont respond to my messages about when he's going to see them
i feel ive messed up big time and i should just have kept my mouth shut and let him get on with it
i dont know what to do to make this right and i have no one to talk to...anyone...someone please help me

im sorry this is so long but im very very lonley and need to get this out...thanks for taking the time to read this i really appreciate it

Hi tea, i totally agree with your post, i do believe that XP is depressed BUT something i havent mentioned so far is that he is a long term, heavy user of cannabis and i think this contributes so much to his behaviour too, i have spent years trying to get him to give it up and he did for about 4 months last year and they were the best 4 months of our relationship, we communicated more, he helped around the house and with dc and also used to play with them, but when he started up again it all stopped, he is still using so i try not to expect anything but it's hard as i want to believe that the wonderful bloke that i fell in love with is still there somewhere, i also think he needs to grow up and reevaluate his priorities as when his friends call he goes running and does anything for them and were left having to take care of ourselves.

In my childhood, i was always blamed and punished for everything my brother (who is 5 yrs younger) did, i was meant to watch him and i always got the blame, also when i was 15 i got into a violent abusive relationship for 3 years and everything wrong in HIS life was my fault and i was worth nothing to him so i feel all of this contributes to me feeling guilty even when i know it was out of my hands

I have seen glimpses of the qualitys i would want in a father figure/role model but it disappears all too quickly, i do think he would be a brilliant father if he had the oomph to try, i think being depressed makes him believe that he's rubbish at it so he just doesnt even bother trying, which really saddens me as i know he can do it

That said he cant give ME what i want, im a very independent woman, who looks after everybody elses needs and i now know that i want someone to look after me, help me make decisions and make me feel safe and loved...he cant do that with the problems he has

I am already making plans for mine and DC future and am detatching myself from him which is hard as i have taken care of everything for him for so long, as i now understand it his sister seems to have taken that role and he's sitting back and letting her (eg. she sorted car insurance for him)

I would like to have counselling myself as i have had a very eventful life, all of which contributes to how i am today (fiercely independent, cant take a compliment, ect) but i just cant afford it atm, i am hoping to go back to work soon but it depends on childcare as i work nights, when i can afford it i will definately look into it

And Alison, he has deleted me from his FB now but when his friends seen what i posted the other morning they all text him and told him to sort it out
If he wants me to look bad in future i will make sure everybody knows both sides of the story, i wont be walked all over anymore

My counseling is only £5 per session as I'm not in work right now. They're adjust what they charge depending on your situation. Go and see your GP and get them to refer you for counseling lovey. It'll be the best decision you ever made and will help you to move on with your life.

Yes if he is a heavy cannabis user it will affect them drastically. There is a wealth of evidence on the internet now about cannabis and mental health he needs to give it up. However until he reaches that point himself, there is nothing you can do except protect yourself from him and create boundaries imo. How many children do you have? It is best to shield them from his most toxic behaviour and move on with your life whilst he hits rock bottom with his, truth be told. The instinct to take care of our other halves and worry about them is strong, but he is no longer your responsibility and you must try not to do any of the things you used to do for him now. IYSWIM?

There is world war 3 breaking out next door between my children, so I better run but I will be back later again. there is more I could add but no doubt some other wise mumsnetter will come along with their thoughts. Want to give you a squeeze love, as this is NOT your fault, he is weak and has used use as his crutch for too long.

used you* as his crutch