Any advice/tips on the practicalities of a trial separation?

[scarlotti]

DH and I are about to separate - we are both now in agreement it's the right thing to do, although it's me driving it. Nobody else involved, he's just been what other mn'ers have described as a cocklodger and I've had enough. At the moment it's to be a trial separation so we can both then see how we feel when we have some space.

We're doing it through relate as we've been going for a good few months. Next session is to talk about the practicalities of what will happen.

What sort of things do we need to think about for this? I will stay in the house with the dc's and DH is fine with that.
Presumably the discussions will be around the money and access of things? I am keen to keep things amicable especially if we hope to reconcile in the future.
What things do we have to think about too if this is to be a trial?

Any advice gratefully received.

Hi scarlotti, sorry haven't got any advice for you, just wanted to say well done for saying what you wanted to! Hope you're doing ok.

Will be interested to see what advice you get about this too.

I think you will need to set very firm ground rules about keeping in contact, seeing/not seeing other people, what to tell the children and your families, as well as dealing with your finances.

This could be a great opportunity for you both to see how much you mean to each other and how you'll cope without the other partner. It's good you have a Relate counsellor's support to guide you through this and to ensure you give it enough time.

Did the counsellor give you any advice?

Are you having a trial separation with a view to being separate on a more permanent basis? in which case, you might want to focus on the practical issues like contact with dcs, day-to-day responsibilities for dcs (who takes them to school etc), money, visits to grandparents etc.

Or are you having a trial separation with a view to being reconciled? in which case you might each want to have a list of the things that you miss when the other person is not with you, and a list of the thing you appreciate about being on your own. You could discuss these lists as part of your counselling.

Or maybe you don't know, in which case you both need to think about the purpose of your being together.

malinkey thanks for the support

hormones - good point re the ground rules, I think a consistent message from us both here is going to be key.

venus - I would imagine our counsellor will give advice on Tuesday when we go to sort it out. I don't think either of us know yet whether it will be temporary or not, so I guess we go on the basis it will be until something changes.
I like the idea of the lists, thanks, I will suggest that.

Apologies for not replying last night, Ds2 woke up and needed feeding.