Emotionally distant non communicative partners

[BigBoldAndBeautiful]

this book might but useful to someone

Not saying that all these men/women are Aspergers but many of the threads seem to describe similar traits.

I found the 'look inside' introduction itself immensely insightful.

:)BBB x

As soon as I saw your thread title, I thought of my ex who has AS. He was actually diagnosed by Maxine Aston and her books are very good.

The 'look inside' was indeed very enlightening - and long, almost the whole book

Reading it reinforced my awareness that in order for this relationship to have worked I would have had to continually work, think, be aware, make no assumptions, be ever-vigilant, protect him, translate for him, interpret for him, never relax - it was too exhausting and unrewarding.

Can I ask BBB, do you have personal experience of AS?

hormonesnomore sorry for the delay in replying.

I am currently doing as much reading and research as I can, working out how I can continue in relationship or whether I might end up with (or indeed have already) 'Cassandra Syndrome'

You probably have! You need to take conscious, determined steps to make sure you get enough emotional exchange. Nights out with your own friends are important for anyone; for you they're completely essential and you should aim for at least once a week. Also join things that reflect your interests - ie, get hobbies and make sure you do them with NT people!

You can quite easily start shutting down, and your values get warped without your even realising it. Nasty stuff. You need varied input, and plenty of it.

Before you ask: I have "diagnosed" XH, post-relationship, with both Asperger's and Narcissism. (The two look pretty similar anyhow, as far as their effects on relationship parnters go.) I've had quite a bit of experience with Asperger adults, as it turns out. While I sympathise and am a bit autistic myself in certain areas, I wouldn't ever want to be closely involved with an Aspie again. Too draining.

ItsGraceActually (or anyone), can you recommend any books or websites that might be useful?

You might like to check out some of the links from the NAS website.

Here is the Mumsnet thread, "Anyone else have an Aspergers DH?".

I echo what Grace said. It's never a good idea to rely on one person to meet all your needs, and in my experience, an AS partner cannot provide emotional support. Once you know what you're dealing with (took me 30 years to figure it out!) you can then make an informed decision as to whether you and your partner want to stay together.

Like you Grace, I suspect my ex was also narcissistic, but I think the two conditions go hand in hand and our relationship felt very abusive, emotionally.

You can quite easily start shutting down, and your values get warped without your even realising it. Nasty stuff. - Grace, my experience exactly.

Maxine Aston runs weekend retreats for women who are or have been in a relationship with an AS partner - they're held in Coventry if that's anywhere near you.

That's interesting info about Maxine Aston's workshops, hormonesnomore :)

Thanks for the validation; it means a lot, even after all these years!

One of the examples in Aston's book - about the Aspie male buying his girlfriend the fragrances he needs her to wear - is ever so much like the NPD example of the man applying her hand cream before they have sex; also like the age-old example of the unfaithful man buying his partner his mistress's perfume! Sometimes we can get too hung up on underlying causes - it's manipulation, whichever way you cut it. (The AS man could always have said "I'm attached this perfume, would you mind wearing it?")

Stay NT and healthy, BBAB :) Good luck.