Help me deal with ex's behavour better - not coping , very anxious

[feelrubbish]

Back story - I have told before -will try and summerise
Left abusive ex over years ago, 2 small dc's. Could have tried to get exclusion order but had to leave for my sanity. Moved into rented accomodation.
He was devastated etc. For first 6 months - he would insist on coming out with us (dc and I) for the odd trip and didnt have them in is own. He behaviour was still the same.

I then went to lawyer and started separation agreement (20 months ago) - he didnt respond to letters, didn't get any further. I had stated in initial letter that as he was paying mortgage he wouldn't pay child maintenance - for a period of 6 months.

struggles thought the next year with me trying to arrange regular contact aggreed a least a couple of weeks in advance. He didnt want to plan. I tried and am still trying to avoid late friday arrangments for weekend. I have a online calender and email/text frequently informing him of all sorts - he rarely responds.

When separarted for 2 year -went back to solicitor to recommence separation agreement with plan to divorce whenn that was sorted.
That was 4 months ago - not much further forward. Had threatened to go to court but his solicitor phoned him and he said he would cooperate - that was 1 month ago.

Re selling house. It still has loads of my stuff as I am living in small rented house.
It is a absolute tip. i have arranged carpet cleaning, estate agents to come round, he has got a painter and moved out some of the junk but you still an hardly see the floor.

In the middle of all this he appears to have a girlfriend (info from dc's - work colleague, started 4 months ago) - from stuff lying around the house it appears they are planning to get married! and I have my suspicions that she may be pregnant.

He insisted that I move out my stuff -so i arrange for my mum to watch dc's and go round when he is at work and move some of my stuff, i also take a couple of bags of mt dc's baby clothes from the garage and he has been on my case for 2 years asking me to deal with it.

Now is accusuing me of theft, even altought I told him we would sort out the baby stuff between us and is refusing to let me back into the house to collect the rest of the stuff unless I give 1 weeks notice and he arranges for someone to be there as I have taken liberties and cannot be trusted. I was due to spend the day sorting thing out today as he has the dc's 10-6 and said he would take them out so I could get sorted. This am he said the house was a mess and I coudn't come, I texted later to say if I could have an hour, he then started a series of texts sating how I had no right to go etc.

He then says the house would get sold quicker if I helped get it ready - but as I work, have the dc 90% of the time and wont let e round when I have the chance I cant see how that would happen.

When he sends me his texts I get really anxious and get palpaitions - as useless at dealing with confrontation.
I have started to arrange a thired party to be there for handovers or meet in a public place as he can get intimidating and he can get me upset and emotional and wont respect that certain things shouldn't be discusess in front of dc's

He is still claiming he cant afford to pay child maintenance. After he pays the mortgage he has £1000 more than I earn and I pay all my own houseold bill, childcare, and all dc's things so that is nonsense.

I am going to speak to my solicitor on Monday but I never seem to get further forward when I do - what do I need to ask her to do. When I tried to explain the problem to her about the house - she asked why I couldn't just get cleaners in but it is not as simple as that.

I know I need to toughen up. I hate confrontation and he always makes me feel I am in the wrong.

Ring the CSA and go through them for maintenance.

I would write a specific list of the things you would like from the house that are your personal possesions, put a request for those in writing to him and copy it to his solicitor and yours - you don't need to pay your solicitor to write it for you.

That sounds good idea with the belongs will draft that today - what if he just ignores ith thought- that is what he does with alot of the letters?

I feel bad going through the CSA as we had made an informal arrangement that he would pay the mortgage - but that was for 6 months and his salary has gone up alot and mortgage repayments have come down - I am worried that he will refuse to pay the mortgage.

So what if he refuses to pay the mortgage he will get a bad credit rating as well as you and he will be made homeless!

Is there much equity in the property, do you actually know if he has been paying it?

shop around for a better solicitor, yours could be dealing with all of his crap!
if his texts intimidate you, get a simcard specifically for contact with him, and only check your messages at set times.
if handovers are so bad with him that you need a third party do you need to consider supervised contact? what are the chances he would play up during contact?
he sounds like an absolute twat, well done for getting rid of him! you just need to finish the job.... put your foot down and get that house sold; a good solicitor can and will help.
best of luck :)

Yes he does pay the mortgage.
I am not sure how much equity is in the house. We will be lucky to get more than we paid for it 6 years ago so there might be some left over after the mortgage is paid off.

I have my texts on silent so I choose when to look at them. He sents text in the middle of the night so that solves that problem.

Handovers are variable but a few occasionds he rants and rants about something he wants and wont stop. 2 occassions were really bad hence relying on someone else. He behaves when someone else is there.

Can my solicitor deal with this? Is there a way I can get him to put the house on the market without me having to go round and do it - which now as he is refusing is impossible.
I feel like I am stuck in ground hog day.

My solicitor is really trying to stop me going to court to sort out divorce and house sale due o costs and ill feeling that this will cause- is it that bad. What does it involve If she could deal with his crap it would be wonderful - I could sleep at night not worrying about what his next pronouncment will be.

I will speak to solicitor on monday - if dont get further forward will have to find another one.

If there is little equity in it then ask him to buy you out, when you get divorced the issue of financial settlement will be forced and he can be forced to sell the house or buy you out.

When do we actually divorced thought - ATM going via separation agreement route - have submitted all financial things - waiting for him to do theh same. How long does that take who decided how to split things and then how does the divorce then work.
I should know all this by now.

Have calmed down re the texts. Realised like all of those with NPS he just loves drama and I gave him loads by responding to his texts.

I will speak to solicitor tomorrow

Is it best to go through legal route for maintenence or via CSA? I think he will refuse to pay unless forced.

Was thinking of just telling him a date when house will go on market and giving him 1 week to get house sorted. We have agreed on estate agent.
But what if the house is still a tip when they come to take photos? What is he wont tell me a time when he will be free to let person in or refuses to answer the door.

If he is employed I would just go via CSA and they will do a deductions order eventually if needed.

Is there a good reason why you are going down the judicial separation route rather than getting a divorce? If you plan to get a divorce at some point you'll just end up paying two sets of legal fees.

What you have to do is stop expecting this man to behave like anything other than the complete knob he is. He's not going to be reasonable, so cut contact with him, send messages via a solicitor (and yours sounds rubbish, I would advise contacting WA for a recommendation for one who specialises in dealing with abusive XPs). Remember that he is a ridiculous knob, his behaviour is his problem, and you can just laugh at him and refuse to let him bother you - get all the necessary stuff done via solicitor/third party. His DC have a right to a relationship with him (unless he's actually a danger to them), sure, but he has no right to any kind of relationship with you. You don't have to obey him. You don't have to listen to his nonsense. You don't owe him anything - just blank him out of your life and get the necessary business handled by other people - while you are still hoping that he will see reason and behave like a civilised human being, you will still get upset by him, but once you can accept that he's just a waste of oxygen you don't have to bother about he will upset you less.

You are right - I keeo thinking if that if I got through to him he will be reasonable. I have known him for 13 years and he has never been reasonable.

My solicitor was recommended by WA -they say she is excellent - I will give her one more go tomorrow and then will have to change if still stuck.

Going down the separation route as advised by both solicitors that I had initial consultation wth that that was the best way. Told that even now (>2 years) who have to go to court to get divorve without separation agreement first and if done with this, divorce is very straight forward. She is trying to avoid order of court for divorce due to huge costs (no legal aid) - is this right? - an in scotland.

Will try and get out another phone for his phone calls/texts which give me more control but then I will need to change my number with everyone else but I suppose it will be worth it.

I have to remember that he is a arse and stop letting him get me upset with his ridiculous accuasations.

Third party at handover has been great - as he doesn't try anything with witnesses but I hate inconviencing people (usually my dad/brother) to do this.

Will let you know how I get on with solicitor - sure I will need more help!

OK I am not an expert on the law and know nothing about scottish law, hopefully someone else will show up who knows more. But you can tell him not to phone or text you - maybe instruct him to contact you only by email and then only when it's somethign re DCs/selling the house. And if he keeps pestering you with unwanted phone calls, he can be made to stop ie by a court order. No adult has the right to insist on contacting another adult who doesn't want the contact.

Thats SBG. I have tried to make communications only by e-mail which was working for a while but I supposed I lapsed and answered his texts.
He got his solicitor to write stating that he wanted communication to be verbal not by e-mail but I didnt back down.