At the end of my tether ....

[chattymitchy]

Just need to rant a bit

Basically XP is trying to get unsupervised access to DS (6 months). He's only been down once a month since he was born (his choice not mine!). I said he could have unsupervised access if he visited more often to get to know DS - he said no so I got solicitors involved.

We set out a plan for increased access leading at some point to unsupervised.

He said no - we got letter from his solicitors in which I couldn't find one truthful statement.

Apparently he has wanted to visit more often but couldn't, because apparently we bully him when he visits, he feels my parents are too controlling, and that we're hostile to him

He also said he's asked for information about DS's health which he hasn't received

The lies!!!!

His solicitor's letter said he wanted to come down this weekend - we said no to unsupervised access, but in the end he agreed to come down and spend time in my parent's house. My solicitor asked how many people were coming so my mum could organise lunch (yes - we're so HOSTILE!) - he said him, his brother and two nephews. No problem.

So I drop DS at parents this morning - he turns up half an hour late and leaves after 2 hours before lunch. His brother very embarrassed that my mum has cooked lunch.

Now XP off on holiday AGAIN for two weeks - and not using annual leave to see his DS.

What can I do??

He didn't asked about DS health, routine, food, naps, anything - yet he wants to take him out unsupervised???

Grrrrrrr

A friend has recently had a similar problem to this, although the child involved in that case was 6, the father has less contact (for several months now, that has been no contact at all) and the whisperings to get lawyers involved have thus far been empty threats.

Said friend went to CAB and asked what rights the father has to demand the child be made available for unsupervised contact and overnight visits. Bare in mind, he has never really got to know the child (extremely sporadic contact, never been alone with the child, never shown interest in any education, health, routine information etc). The solicitor my friend saw said that if a court was to regulate contact, in those circumstances, supervised contact would be ordered to begin with. Assuming the father stuck to it and all went well, he would then be allowed to take the child for short periods alone (such as swimming, to the park, IYGWIT). If that happened okay, then and only then would he be allowed to take the child for overnight periods. I'm not saying this is verbatim what you would be told, but there are similarities in the situation. Obviously the age of your DS (significantly younger than my friend's child) would be taken into consideration.

I have to say, your XP sounds exactly like my friend's XP. They want the status of having the cute LO, but they don't want to put the work in. What you proposed (a period of your XP getting to know your DS, then having unsupervised contact) sounds perfectly reasonable to me, but it involves your XP getting off his lazy ass and doing something that's not on his terms.

Do you mind me asking how old you are? And how old your XP is? My friend and her XP are in their 30's, but it seems like you still live with your parents, so possibly you are quite young?

contact centre might be better here?

OP doesn't live with parents - she said she drops baby there for supervised visits from XP.

Don't know what to suggest really, but if you follow all the official channels I'm certain no court is going to grant him unsupervised access with such a young child who he barely knows.

Keep calm. Log everything (such as shortness of today's visit). Go through official channels of communication only.

thanks everyone ... I'm 33 by the way, XP is a little older.

I'm just SO fed up with it

Will certainly ask my mum to document everything that went on today.

My solicitor suggested he comes down twice a week, a midweek evening and once at the weekend (he's only an hour and 15 away) - but apparently that's not practical.

Why?? Because he's too lazy to get off his fat arse and come down here?!

I asked him to come more often ages ago and he said 'I am unsure whether there will ever be a point when 'you' consider me having spent enough time with DS'.

And then in the letter back from his solicitors it says:

'our client certainly does wish to increase the amount of contact that he has with DS.
However, you instructions appear to suggest that our client has only visited DS once a month because he has not wished to see DS more frequently. This is certainly not the case'.

WHAT?????

Arrggghhhhhh

does he work?

is he likely to take this to court? you could try mediation

Sorry OP, missed that part about dropping your DS off .

Your XP sounds like an immature twat, though I'm pretty sure you already know that.

I think he likes the fantasy of having a child, but none of the reality. As for the solicitors letter, quite clearly your XP is lying to them. That letter does not corrolate with anything he has so far actually done. He seems like a right bastard who doesn't want to be seen as a right bastard. He clearly does not have a strong enough desire to be a (decent) father to actually put the work in.

What a cock.

If it's any help to you, my friend suspected all along that her XP was linking child support with contact (as in he was paying for something and therefore felt he had a right to it on his terms). When she lost patience with him and told him not to bother with CS anymore (more hassle getting it out of him than the paltry amount was worth) he stopped making ridiculous demands relating to contact. Don't think I can advise much further tbh, though if I can think of anything I will of course let you know :).

Btw, just a parental rights questions mainly, but is his name on the BC and what was the status of your relationship when DS was born?

Don't mean to be nosy, but the answers may be relevant :).

he does work. And I'm not sure whether he would want it to go to court

He did talk about mediation, but I didn't want to go because I didn't see the benefit in being lied to in front of a mediator,

who would then have seen me as a total mental case, getting really angry and frustrated because everything he says is a lie! And no doubt I would have been told to stop being so unreasonable and stop being obstructive ....

I did tell him that mediation was only useful for when both parties were prepared to be honest.

his name is on the BC - his choice, I felt I had to go along with it.

He didn't ever really want me to have the baby.

God. Apparently he couldn't even stop DS from crying today. He has no idea how to soothe him. Or when he's hungry. Or tired.

I hope I'm doing the right thing going through a solicitor. I've heard terrible things about CAFCASS which is why I;m not sure I want it to end in court.

oh - and Lucylou, he dumped me when I was three months pregnant because I hadn't wanted to discuss terminating the baby, and didn't want to move an hour away from everyone I know and any support I would have had - to live with him so that he didn't have to move away from his friends - therefore I was controlling and an evil fucking bitch (his words).

Then when I said he couldn't come to the scans he said I would never forgive myself for denying him that opportunity - no mention of the fact he wanted DS terminated in the first place.

Arrrggh

No point getting annoyed over things in the past - it's just his attitude which annoys the fuck out of me.

well in my case cafcass were excellent. so its not all bad!

a section 7 report will get both versions,but i would suggest you keep a diary of when he visits etc

court action will be very costly...could he afford this? solicitors cant force anything,so dont worry about their demands.