please help me to stay strong

[AllSoNew]

I've been avoiding this for the past three months, my h moved out when ds was 1mo, after being born prematurely. Ds has awful silent reflux which I'd been told again and again was colic, only just got a script for it and it's only in the past two days it's improved and he's not screaming all day and all night.
I've just been trying keep my head above water really, motherhood has been a shock and the reflux very narly did me in. I didn't think about h leaving as I couldn't process it iyswim, just had to keep functioning for ds and find out what was causing him all the pain.
Like I said, past two days he's been better and last night U found myself in a RAGE with h, he fucking left me when our baby was a month old, he's in another town with his mates pissing it up whilst I've struggled and struggled. I decided that he can fuck off, he can't walk out then come and play daddy for a few hours a few times a week whilst I wait for him. He's been taking the piss and doesn't even see it.
He's coming over today, I love him and can feel myself wobbling, I know when I tell him he'll turn it all into my fault and I usually end up apologising to him. I don't know how it happens but it always does. I need to be stronger, ds deserves better then this and I've told him so many times to stop drinking, start supporting us, grow up.
Wish I didn't love him. Fuck it's such a fucking mess he lives the life of a teenager with his friends, (he's late 30s) he gives me no support and no money yet I can feel the guilt creeping in already and he's not even here yet.
fuckity fuck. sorry for long rambling post just trying to stop getting into the usual cycle, got to keep telling myself it's not my fault and it's not good enough.

what do you have to feel guilty about?

If he's coming over, then write down on a piece of paper all the times he's let you down, the times he has prioritised other things over you and your baby, and how little help he's given.

Keep it to hand.

As soon as he comes over, if he starts to make you feel guilty - get out the piece of paper and read what is written on it.

No matter what he says in return, he won't be able to make you feel guilty - although he'll try!

btw - your h sounds like a total idiot, what on earth would you feel guilty about when he's been out pissing it up whilst you've struggled with a newborn?

What a terrible time you have had

Your h deserves nothing from you - anyone who leaves like that deserves no respect. As you say, he is living lik a teenager in his 30s - not much sadder than that.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. So don't.

All I would add is that he doesn't even deserve your advice on his drinking etc. Try and resist in tellinghim what he should be doing......waste of breath and gives him the opportunity to start the 'poor me' act with you.....hence your guilt.

Good luck

He always feels hard done by about everything in life and when I try to point out he's not, and he needs to do better he tells me it's not his fault, he's trying, he will get help, he's been under stress and it's hard for him ect ect..
I think I'll write it down.
He does love me and ds, I love him but it's not enough. Ds deserves more and if I'm going to be a single mum I might as well be a single mum. It's just tearing me apart.
I feel like a joke, he does whatever and I sit around with my fingers crossed. This is the only life we get and he's wasting mine and ds's.
Just got to stay strong and not dance the same old ultimatum followed by promises followed by back to the start that we always do. I can't keep doing it, I need to just face it.

It's not your fault and it's not good enough!

Again, louder!

my darling how horrible for you. you say you need to be stronger, look, make no mistake-you ARE strong. to have dealt with your little son on your own, let alone with his screaming etc, that IS strong.

A couple of things to say at first-do you really think that if this selfish selfish idiot was around you would be supported?? from the sounds of it you are well rid for now as babies and drunken irresponsible tw*ts don't mix.

the other thing is-and no doubt people tell you this all the time, but it will get easier with ds. i've found with my two, and talking to others, that the first 3 months can be the hardest, most mind numbing and isolating, esp given other circumstances like this.

i know people say that some/a lot of "men" cannot handle it when the babe is born. sometimes i roll my eyes at that remark, even though i shouldn't as my dp was a textbook case. he was a total and utter arsehole when ds born over 3 yrs ago. i chucked him out, let him back, did it again, then he went, then came back and so on ad bloody nauseum.

utterly utterly exhausting. try your damnedest not to get caught in that cycle or you will be even more knackered and despondent.

i hear what you're saying about loving him. question this!! he would need to have a total conversion to be a proper father and partner from the sounds of it. this involves being in it for the long haul, going through some horrible shit and (hopefully) coming out the other side. we did manage it but the repercussions of it still echo around us a bit.

but back in the real world-have you got help, what do your friends think? can one of them(childless maybe or with grown up kids) come round and stay a couple of nights to help? a mate of mine did this for me and god it helped, i'll never ever forget it.

keep talking on here. remember, you're not mad and irrational-you have just had a baby x

I think you need to go easy on yourself. Something about you and/or your past is keeping you in this mode of feeling wobbly and guilty and makes you crave this inadequate man. It isn't easy to overcome the strong force that tells you how to feel in this situation. I am trying to do the same with myself now but I could write myself a list of the things that make my exdp a tosser and still feel some love for him at the end of it, still feel guilty for my failings over and above the disgust I feel for him and his actions.

I think you'll find it is to do with self esteem and you can only repair that or manage a low self esteem in time. Reminding yourself of his twuntishness is good but it won't cure you of how you feel completely. I know that's scary and horrible and that when the baby is less consuming of you it probably hits like a brick.

Do you talk to friends about your situation so that they can gently reaffirm your feelings about your H? It can go too far, sometimes if friends are very scathing one can get defensive and very sorrowful but a bit of objective agreeing with you and pointing out your marvellousness might help a bit. You can have a happy future regardless of this man.

I have 4DC and 3 different father's to them. If I'd sorted out my self esteem issues I might have 4 DC with just the one or two fathers. My aim is to not repeat history ever again and end up with a man that taps all my 'bad buttons'. You will be subconsciously attracted to men like your H in the future and remain attracted to your H if you don't start to value yourself more so try and figure out how you can really believe in your positives more maybe?

There's no quick fix but try and be strong and see how your attraction to him works because you know you are being attracted to soemthing that is harmful to you.

I feel very sad for you and a lot of that is to do with being in much the same stage myself. I am angry and lonely all at the same time and it is shit.

How about if you can do it I will and vice versa? :)

Thanks so much for all the posts.
It's good tp hear other peoples stories, my life seems to have become quite insular.
hobgoblin you just completely summed up my situation, so much of what you said is so exactly true its scary.
Well we talked. He knew it was coming, I don't know what to say. There wasn't any shouting and he didn't run off like he normally does. I told him I was resentful, that I'd been treading water with ds and him leaving had only just hit me. I told him when I hear that he's out drinking and not getting up til noon it makes me too angry for words and I'm sick of being angry. I don't want to carry on being pissed off and resentful. Fuck it was awful. I told him I just want to be friends and he said ok, we agreed that from now on we're just friends and parents, we'll see how things go, but I need to build myself up on my own and just be on my own.
It's like being kicked in the fucking stomach every time I think about it.
So thaks so much for your messages, they mean a lot right now, still feel pretty shakey.

Just trying to get my head sorted. After our chat he bought a pushchair round, first thing he's ever bought for ds, he text last night to ask how ds and I were and text goodnight, he said he'd be round today to help me move all the stuff that I've been asking for weeks now, in short all the things he should've been doing in the first place I know he's only doing it because I said it was over, keep telling myself not to get sucked in.
Mooching about on the internet feeling very sorry for myself, he moved back to where we used to live and where all my friends are. Been looking on facebook for somebody to talk to and noones interested, I don't live there anymore, he does, so I don't exist. I know the world doesn't stop turning becuase I moved and I'm having a rough time but now I have a baby, no husband and no friends. Literally not one person in RL gives a fuck about me other then him.
I'm not going to go back to him, I know I'm better off on my own, just a self indulgant and self pittying post. I can see me not actually talking to anyone but ds who can't talk yet for a very long time. Why don't I have any friends? Fuck.
I should just use this time to get strong and make myself likeable, keep telling myself this is better then a unreliable alcoholic and it's not my fault.
Ramble ramble ramble, feeling very low.

Hi,
Just wanted to say what an utter prick your h is. He dosn't deserve you.
It is utterly normal to feel isolated with a baby. Former friends may keep their distance because they assume that you have enough on your plate. Reach out to them. What about family?
I would get out there and go to new mum and baby groups and make some new mummy friends. you won't be the only single mum. What about gingerbread? You don't even have to talk about your h tbh. Just talk about your baby. It's bonding.
Ask your Health visitor where the groups are. Contact your local NCT branch and you are bound to have a children's centre nearby.
Old friends may not have kids and therefore won't have a clue what your going through.

If I were you I'd tell him to get stuffed and get out there. Focus on your baby and you now.

I know it's hard if you love him but when you look back you may be glad you gotb rid. If you feel like you can forgive this sorry excuse for a man mabe Relate can help but tbh he dosn't sound mature enough to be a dad.