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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone interested in empathy deficit?

3 replies

EnoughAboutMe · 07/08/2010 13:23

How does that title make you feel? :)

I first heard Barack Obama use the term, and thought it was shorthand for "People should care more about other people," which is pretty impossible to argue with.

However (Insert family nonsense here) has led me to chew this over recently, and I think the implications are much more profound than I'd realised.

I work in a setting where empathy is hugely important, and I work hard to promote empathy in my own family. It has not come naturally to me and for the first 5 years of being a parent I really had to "fake it." It was exhausting, but so very worth it.

Sometimes the contrast when dealing with my wider family makes my head spin. They are all screaming "What about ME, no-one understands ME" and yet not one of them has a clue how to begin to understand each other. "We are a very loving, caring family" is the headline, and woe betide anyone who marks the gloss paint on that. Negative or difficult feelings are denied ruthlessly in others, but lovingly cultivated in the self, resulting in a group of people who think they have it the worst and are at (completely redundant, because no-one is listening) pains to point this out.

This article rang a bell for me. Trying to learn empathy, if you have been raised with a lack of it, can be terrifying. If you feel like you are the only person in your support system who is willing to learn to empathise, that is a very tall order. If it's hard to offer empathy to challenging people in our personal lives, what hope is there for wider empathy problems, such as prejudice or even genocide?

If any of that made sense I'd be fascinated to know what others think...

OP posts:
Wanttofly · 07/08/2010 13:35

It is hard to empathise with other people when you are so foused on your own needs and wants.

I dont think anyone cares what other people are going thru anymore.

I think its all about self promotion and privatation now.

It leads to misundrestanding and definsiveness and is damaging to sociaty as a whole.

Wanttofly · 07/08/2010 13:37
  • i mean to not try to empathise with people is damaging.
kayah · 07/08/2010 13:56

I have a lot of enpathy for the needs of others, but learned to use it prudently to those who respond well to it and are offering it to others too

why?

when I was with my first one after a c section, no help, none of my own family close by... a close member of ex family said to me - "you just have to get on with it"

so in her case - I used the same approach, I let her get on with her problems and neve burdened her with mine, to the extend that she was unhappy for me not telling her about some issues we had

but how else - if people are as you say - ME, ME, ME - let them be like that
you can't change their state of mind

for those who will spend hours on the phone with me and are for me in tough times - I have time too and all sympathy that I can offer :)

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