Unsupportive hubby who won't listen wwyd?

[whowantstoknow]

Namechanged for this.....

Anyhow spent yesterday in hospital, I am heavily pregnant, I felt really ill and in a fair bit of pain so went to the hospital.

Which seemed a huge effort for DH, as he didn't want me being sick because of all the time off work it would cause etc .

Anyway I get to the hospital and it was very busy, I also ended up being observed for a lot longer that usual, as I had ketones in my urine and protein and high BP.

I was told something about borderline pre-eclampsia which frightened me as I have never had this complication before, so will be monitored more closely.

I was hounded by phone, and it wasn't loving how are you and the baby texts either, just pressuring me to get a time when I'd be home, how long things were going to take, etc, etc. It really wasn't helping in all honesty I just wanted to be ok, the baby ok and get home whatever the time it took.

Anyway I had a lie in this morning as I couldn't get to sleep last night I was so uncomfortable and really anxious. I was let home on the proviso I rest.

He came upstairs, woke me up and has now gone out and left me with the kids.

I could cry, ok he needed to get a quote on our car which needs some work doing before the MOT, but that's not my priority right now, I am really scared. I know it needs doing and we need it quoted and booked in, but waking me up and leaving me with the kids when I was only allowed home providing I rest? But it's ok I can rest when he gets back

He does not see the issue with this, and I am so upset I am crying now. I just feel like packing up and fucking off tbh, I don't excatly have any support now do I.

He does not get it, "the car needs to be sorted, especially if we are carting you up the hospital every 5 mins", "I wanted to know when to come and get you after all I had to sort the kids out." Fair enough but constant harrasment when I told him I never had any idea and when I did I'd say.

I just feel so scared and alone right now in all honesty, this talk of pre eclampsia and possible early birth is really worrying me. Obviously with closer monitoring I am hoping it will be avoided or a one-off but who knows?

How do I tell him to stop being such a plank and show me some emotion, or am I being unreasonable?

Selfish twat. Wait til you get a few replies and show him your post!!!

you must be feeling really pretty low and worried right now.

You are not being unreasonable to want him to be more sympathetic and understanding but you may be being a bit optimistic to expect him to understand / empathise. Some blokes (my DH included) really don't get pregnancy at all and focus on all the practical things and miss the need for emotional backup. I also suspect that there is a fair bit of denial as they are scared something might go wrong so they just ignore it completely.

You need to sit him down and explain to him very clearly and factually what the risk of pre-eclampsia means and what you need to do to minimise that risk. I know its difficult but try to keep the emotion out of it and don't lecture him about his behaviour yesterday (stupid though it was). Don't hint about the support you need or expect him to guess spell it out bluntly. I recently found out a close family member has cancer and I told DH that what I needed him to do was spend a quiet evening with me cuddled up on the sofa watching shite telly. He knew exactly what to do and did exactly what I asked and I felt better for it. Had I dropped hints etc he would have treated me like a bloke and given me a manly pat on the back before ignoring the subject completely (like he would if it was one of his mates in the same situation).

One thing that might help is if you make it clear to him that by allowing you to rest etc. he is helping reduce the risk that the boarderline pre-eclampsia presents so he is doing something useful to help you and the baby.

p.s. if he ever hassles you by phone when you have a hospital app't again turn your phone off. If he complains later just say that the mw insisted.

Dear, dear! Getting the car sorted is his priority, is it? Clearly, he has no idea about pre-eclampsia and how serious it is.

I would stay calm (you're supposed to avoid stress, anyway, with pre-eclampsia) and tell him you realise he probably doesn't know much about the condition, here is a website that will tell him all about it:

www.apec.org.uk/preeclampsiabasics.htm

Point out that it is harmful to the baby and to you and, if it progresses into eclampsia, you are looking at a medical emergency that could easily kill both you and the baby. Explain to him that if you don't get enough rest at home, they will yank you into hospital and make sure you rest there. How does he fancy looking after the kids single-handed for a week??

And if that doesn't make enough of an impression, tell one of the midwives (the most scary one you can find!) exactly how he treated you and ask her to have a little word in his shell-like.
Midwives are often very good at putting the fear of God into twattish husbands.

My mum was in hospital for a rest when expecting my sister and my dad thoughtlessly told her he'd broken the washing machine. He never forgot the ear-blasting he got off the midwife for worrying her patient (and neither did she )!

Hmm thanks all, I see the MW anyway tomorrow so may have a word, re seriousness. I think he dismisses it as it will never happen and I can't possibly be at risk of PE. Having no history or blood pressure or PE before, but this is what makes the onset of symptoms a huge concern if you get me?

Anyway I am half thinking of just going away for a week to family or whatever, I have money etc as I don't think he realises.

He is helping a lot but I feel like it's some huge sacrifice on his part ifyswim?

He pointed out this morning "how he let me lie in", he has just pointed out "he is doing everything anyway". I just asked for help with a DC who was being a tad naughty, no was the answer, on the bloody pc he was. After "banging on" at him to help he then came.

After being in disagreement about how the situation was handled I was told, "Don't you dare disobey me"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who the fuck does he think he is, I am so angry right now I can feel my bp boiling over my head is pounding. I am his wife, who does he think he is talking too exactly?

I had to come here and blurt it out as right now I am so fucked off, that I have lost all patience and understanding with the stakes to mine and the babys health being so high.

I know he is probably under a lot of pressure right now, but this constant well I am doing everything you are crap attitude is getting on my wick, it's not helping.

Oh FFS what does he think he's playing at?

You have to think about you and your baby at the moment. If that means you need to be somewhere else for a few days then do that.

There was something about the tone of his comments and the assumption that you were "having a lie in" rather than resting so you don't endanger yourself or the baby that is really mean.

Do whatever is going to cause you least stress and upset. And definitely set a MW on him at the earliest opportunity ...

Get some rest. If things get worse you'll never forgive yourself if you didn't, even if that does mean you leave and spend some time elsewhere for a bit. If you have to deliver early you'll need every last scrap of strength you've got especially if you are also ill. My DS was born at 29 weeks and although he is very strong for a 29 week baby it was and is bloody hard work. Hang in there and look after you, your unborn child, and if you have anything else left the other children. Your Husband can look after himself/the other children....

First of all, don't panic. It's not that uncommon to get borderline or mild PreE, and it doesn't always get a lot worse. Full-blown Eclampsia is serious, but really rare. They're monitoring you so they can tell if things look like getting worse, and if they get severe, they can induce you a bit early. I had borderline PreE at 40 wks with DS - was induced on due dates and monitored afterwards for hypertension. (Which I got, but it responded to pills very well.) You are being looked after and things will be fine.

It's probable that your DH doesn't realise what a big deal this can be in pregnancy. I agree with the other suggestions about showing him the website (in a quiet, calmer moment) and explaining to him how scared you are about the possible outcomes. (While reminding yourself that you are fine at the moment and being monitored!)

Rest up as much as possible, put your feet up a lot (have you got swollen feet?), and try to do things that make you feel safe and relaxed, like watching a favourite film. Are there any close relatives or friends who could come over and give you a hand and take the pressure off you? If you've got somewhere calm and quiet to go for a break, so much the better.

Good luck, and remember, it's a condition that disappears with the birth of your baby!

I think it might be time to get the MW to read your DH the riot act he does need a kick up the arse. Having said that I am not convinced my DH would be any different I just don't think they realise the implications of PE. Also the baby is a bit more abstract for them as they only have passing contact if they happen to feel your belly move whereas it is much more of a part of you. Consequently, they may not have the same emotional intensity about the baby and put your reaction down to pregnancy fussing [arrgh]. Perhaps if your MW gives him a message such as - if Whowants's bp stays like this we will take her into hospital therefore if you Mr Whowants do not want to be left holding the fort entirely on your own you must do the following...
Good luck for tomorrow