Advice on what to say to OH staying off work

[Itsnotthatgrimupnorth]

I need to approach this issue in a calm and rational way as I am at a loss what to do. OH (37) stayed off work Wednesday claiming to be ill. He decided this the night before and spent until lunchtime on Weds in bed. Except he wasn't ill and merely having a 'duvet day' I suggested he go into work and if he really didnt feel well to come home but at least he made the effort. My words fell on deaf ears as his mind was made up. Yesterday was his regular day off and today he has returned.

I found out today that he also seems to have phoned in sick on the Tuesday too. It is possible for him to get home from work before me but only just. I admit I was a bit sceptical at how much he claimed to have done in the 5 minutes he he'd been in before me. Got changed, done washing up, made a start on evening meal etc. But not wanting to think I had an untrustworthy partner I didnt have reason to be concerned about it again until today.

He appears to have concocted a fairy story about being ill but he didnt stop there. He went on to claim the doctor advised him go to hospital (an hour's journey from where we live) where he hung around all day having various tests. As a result of what these tests showed up he has been put on anti-b's and told to rest. None of this is true!!

For me this is a big thing due to lack of honesty and being lied to your partner. I am seriously worried about his future with his employer if he treats them this way. I was off sick for many months last year due to having surgery and we could not manage on my wage alone.

I've not yet spoken to him as he's at work (I think ) but where do I start?

has he done this before??

Yes once earlier this year. Claimed he'd been sent home from work with an injury. Truth was he hadnt been in at all. Small signs like the post still on the step, his uniform not been worn etc showed through that lie

WTF? I will give the benefit of the doubt breifly and ask if you think he may be depressed?

Otherwise his behaviour is completely unacceptable. I would lose a lot of respect for my partner if he did this. Not only is he lying to his wife (very very bad that he can do this with such ease) he is lying to his colleagues who he has let down and in my opinionhe has also lied to himself by not being true to you and his work.

If he was really shattered and wanted a day off he should have told you that is what he was going to do and why. And then told his employer the same thing, that he was drained and needed a day in bed.

morally this guy has it all wrong.. I hope your children dont pick up on this.

How about if you take too many sickies you might get caught?

i would tell him that what he tells work is up to him.
if he liew and takes days off sick, that's up to him

but if he lies to you again then you'll seriously rethink your future together. and if his work ring and you happen to speak to them you will NOT lie on his behalf

he is behaving like a child

Depression or similar crossed my mind foureleven but only briefly. He's just being lazy and almost arrogant i.e as though the world owes him something. But its the ease with which he's lying that I find most unsettling. He doesnt seem to know when to stop, its one lie on top of another

has he been fired / made redundant and is too scared / proud to tell you?

Sounds like depression to me.

Although I think the first suggestion is more likely.

That would worry me too. Firstly if he can lie that easily to you about this.. he could lie about other things.

It is incredibly important to be your best self for your partner and I dont feel that what he is portraying himself as in front of you is encouraging your respect for him as a person.

I couldnt respect a lier Im afriad.

Possible explanations:

1.He dislikes his job, finds any excuse not to go in but tries (badly) to hide it from you.
2.He's a lazy fucker.
3.He's depressed and having trouble getting out of bed, motivating himself, trying to concoct lies to hide it.
4.He has lost his job and hasn't managed to tell you yet.
5.I was going to suggest an affair but as he spent all day in bed maybe not.

I wont lie on is behalf Tiy and he knows that. He's 37 not 3 and I am seriously thinking I cannot and will not spend my future with someone like this.

Coolfonz he stays at home (complete with XBox etc) so he wont get spotted in town when he is allegedly sick. But he's already had a written warning this year and doesnt seem to care or think about the repercussions. For him or me.

How did you find out about the story he'd made up and told his colleagues? Have you spoken to someone at his work?

He must really, really hate his job. Has he mentioned anything to you that would suggest he's not happy? It seems strange to tell such elaborate lies to pull sickies though; a bit of D&V is usually enough of an explanation for being off ill. It sounds like a bit of Billy Liar style attention seeking, or perhaps he's off work more than you know so he's had to start being a bit more imaginative.

Have you told him what you think yet?

Can you sit him down and tell him you've rumbled him and ask him if theres something wrong?

Has he always been the work shy type?

If so then leave him.

if not then there must be something more to this...

We live in a small town and he works for a high street shop. A colleague saw me shopping and said it must have been a shock what your OH went through spending all day at hospital this week. A shock? I'll say as its just a pack of lies.

Its getting to the point that I can't believe anything he says any more. And no, I dont feel he respects me as a person or his supposed beloved partner.

Foureleven, He is at work for another 2 hours so need to speak to him later.

I believe he is workshy as I am the type to go into work when unwell and he as you've guessed stays off even when he isnt. So we have different approaches to work. But we need his wage as well as mine and I think its more about not wanting to be grown up and mature about life.

If he had his way he would stay home 24/7 wwith his computer for company. He doesnt sseem to have much get up and go. I've been unhappy for a while but keep telling myself things arent so bad. Now I'm not so sure.

Oh dear, it may not be grim up north but it certainly sounds a bit grim in your household.

What is your child situation? Could you have weekend bags packed for when he gets home and tell him as you walk out the door that you are deeply disappointed in him and how he has let himself down this week. You are visiting (insert friend/family member name) and will return on Sunday night awaiting an explaination of how he intends to pull himself together...

Very indacitive of alcoholic / depression. My oh the same. Any excuse ......

I have to work tomorrow but think 24 hours should be enough to come up with an explaination of how things are going to change for the better. Next weekend I will be away seeing friends and family (on my own as he is unsociable) and part of me wishes it was this weekend. I guess that last sentence tells me a lot already.

Yes it does. And I get the impression you have made your mind up about where this is going...

I think every relationship deserves a chance when things arent going right but how many chances? Thats twice this year (that I know of and there may be others) he's lied about work. If he was diligently looking for another job that would be great but no, he just expects one to drop into his lap. Argh,, and