New mum and alone

[Wilkoa]

Hi

I can't quite believe this has happened to me (still!) but here goes....
Was with my husband for 5 years, we got married last August. We started trying for a baby straight away - we both wanted a child! He already has a daughter from a previous relationship who has lived with us 50% of the time and I've been heavily involved in parenting her. She's 7 years old.
In the last 4 months of my pregnancy he changed for the worse, going out more, being unaffectionate, no interest in the baby etc etc....as my due date loomed and my panic increased I realised the best things was to go stay with my parents to have the baby. Spoke to him on the phone 2 days after leaving and he dumped me, saying he didn't love me anymore, that this was the best decision for him. He wouldn't entertain counselling.
I now have a beautiful boy who is 4 weeks old but my world has been torn apart. I just can't fathom how this has happened, or how to look to the future.

Hello. No practical suggestions to offer but wanted to respond to your post. I am so sorry this has happened to you. You must be wondering how the last twelve months led to this. Congratulations on your boy though. I am sure that he is beautiful.

wilkoa that must be devastating
I don't know if it will help at all to hear that things can get better -
being a lone parent wasn't something I expected either but we are now very settled and happy
are your parents being supportive?

where are you wilkoa can any of us help you?

Hello
My parents are being great but I realise I need to stand on my own two feet soon. They are getting a bit frustrated that I am still wasting my time trying to understand how this has happened. It has come as a shock to friends and family too. I need to focus on my baby now!

What beebers said.

And congrats on your new baby.

Will you still get to see the step child? It must be a wrench for both you and her if not.

I am in Leeds with my family at the mo. My home is in Nottingham. Can't decide where would be best to live in the future.

Hi Wilkoa

Firstly Congratulations on the birth of your son! I'm glad you are with your parents and not with your husband at this special time.

Don't be too sad hun, I know it must be a huge shock to you but on the other hand be grateful that he has left now rather than pretend to be happy families, that would be harder.

Only speaking for myself but i found being a single parent a lot easier than having to share it with someone who was upsetting me and pretty useless to be honest. My situation was that my partner wanted a child and i didn't and my daughter was a surprise to say the least! I ended up being the one who adored her and loved her to bits and caring for her on my own after leaving him for being so useless. It was a happy and wonderful experience and we are so close and I must say that my parents don?t live in this country and it was still a great experience even without their practical support. I met my future husband when she was 3 and I?m happy with someone who is a fantastic dad to mine and his other two children.

Please don?t let this get you down at such a special time ? he?s not worth it. You don?t have to hold any resentment or be bitter towards him, that makes you feel worse. I found myself being so grateful that he gave me such a beautiful daughter and that his purpose was served. Life is so much more than being sad over someone who couldn?t care less about you and your beautiful son.

Please keep your chin up and look to the future, you are so lucky to be a mom and be blessed with this fantastic new job of bringing him up.

Big hugs for you x.x.x.

Oh poor you. What a dick to do this at such a time. I don't think you are wasting time trying to understand what went wrong. You'll need to come to terms with it surely? And it's easier to do that if you have some modicum of understanding?

Please don't be too hard on yourself. There are things which will need sorting, yes, but don't waste all those lovely new days with your beautiful boy in frantically moving on. Take it steady.

So an update on my situation. Still at my parents (!) but slowly building up a social network here which is good.
Ex has been very weird. Still hasn't given me an answer for split so I've given up on that one, hasn't brought his new son a gift or given me a penny. He has seen him 3 times in 2 months, cut himself off from his friends, and never asks about baby when getting in touch with me about the house sale etc.
Me and baby are doing the best we can. There's a lot to sort out but I'm trying to make enjoying my son the priority.
So so sad that a person who you think you know can behave so badly. Must stop tormenting myself with the why, why, why questions!!!

Honey, you need to get yourself down to the CAB to find out your rights. you are married, you have his son, and he needs to support him.

Believe me, this is not at all about you, it is all about him, his weakness, his inability to cope, his inability to step up and be a man and a father.

Why did his previous marriage end????

Either way, with his petty jealousy/insecurity displayed prior to your giving birth, you are best and safest being out of it. He sounds scary tbh.

He needs to cough up. Fast. The Utter Bastard.

Hey
Well his daughter from his previous relationship was an accidental pregancy and both he and his ex were relatively young at the time. He told me he only stayed with hs ex so long due to the child (they broke up when she was 2). Funnily enough he said to me when we split he only stayed so long after we'd married (eeerrr 9 months!) as I was pregnant.
When I asked him about money he said he would just wait for the CSA to be in touch but I understand that can take ages. Lucky I have got savings.
He's completely floored me, I'm finding it difficult to agree to him seeing our son as I feel as if he doesn't deserve him. He pushed me to the brink while I was pregnant, god only knows how we both remained healthy and the delivery went well - mind over matter perhaps?!
Ex is simply telling friends he just doesn't love me anymore and it hurts.

Hang in there Wilkoa, because I ABSOLUTELY promise you that as awful as things appear now, there WILL come a time when you look back at this period in your life and although you may feel regretful about it, you won't feel the pain you're feeling now. I positively guarantee it. But for now there is no short cut way to stop feeling the resentfulness and hurt you feel, you just have to go through it and allow yourself to grieve for what's gone and is never going to be (with your husband.)

It may be tempting to stop allowing him to see your son. All I can say to that is try really, really, REALLY hard to rise above your feelings and be the better person. Not for his benefit. Not even for your son's benefit. But for YOUR benefit. Reason being;when your life does start to turn around in a more positive direction you won't be carrying any emotional baggage. You'll be able to look back and say "I came throught that period, and I was still true to who I am." Don't alllow him to turn you bitter and transfer his negativity to you. Might not make sense to you right now, but in the long run you'll recover from this quicker if there's less drama and more hurt feelings running around.

Things will pick up again. You will love again. You won't put up with less than best again. It may seem far away but you will get your confidence back and more besides. One step at a time. For now, concentrate on looking after yourself and your lovely son. Avail yourself of all the services there are for lone parents,and don't feel any shame about it. And if you continue to feel really blue speak to your HV or doctor. Keep looking forward. Remember you got the good straw. He's the loser. One day he'll wake up and realise that, but you'll be so far ahead of him he won't be able to see you in the distance and you won't care either way.

As for him telling everyone he "doesn't love you anymore" his love obviously wasn't worth much; real love goes hand in hand with actions.

HTH a little

So, another update. I am getting on with life best I can, still have very teary days but have stuck to minimal contact - aside from letting him see DS which is about 1 text every 2 weeks.

Ex was due to see DS last weekend but cancelled at the last minute with no reason given. It really upset me that he can so easily go 4 weeks without seeing his son, especially when he is so close to his daughter. How can a dad do this???

I miss my step daughter a lot, come to think of it, I miss my old life a lot! Keep telling myself any man who can dump his wife at 40 weeks pregant is not worth it but its still hard!!! It's so out of character for him, no one can get their head round it - not me, family or friends.

So sorry you're in this position.

Does anyone else think that if their son treated two women in this way, they'd be absolutely ashamed of him?

OMG so I have found out the truth. Ex was having an affair with his best friend (of 25 years) fiance.
Had suspicions for months but couldn't face it until now. Did some digging, saw it with my own eyes. Best friends knows, now deciding what to do. What do we do???
Feel sick, sick, sick.

Absolutely - see it as your questions being answered. So often, weird behaviour eventually gets explained away this way. It sucks, and the exceptionally cruel timing, really shows him for the pathetic person he is. You are so much better off without him, his new GF must be mad to think he's a good bet.

Keep moving on, sort out your practicalities and try not to get caught up in his best friend's drama. It won't help either of you to go over details endlessly, even though it might seem it now, ultimately you need to grieve what might have been, and then move on with your life.

Is he paying you maintenance yet?

You now know why it all happened, poor you, poor ex-best-friend.

agree with everyone here, keep focussed on moving forward.