Manic Mum

[Dolanette]

My mother hasn't been at my DD's christening or first birthday. She has manic depression and is on meds for it, so it's been treated to an extent at least. We seem to have a difficult relationship at moment, can't get on. And she's missed out on my daughters two big days. She then cites her illness as reason she can't attend even though she seems to 'rise' to the occasion for other family events. She doesn't seem to be able to make an effort for me. Feeling sorry for myself. What you think?

p.s. I do try to be supportive of her but it's so hard.

Oh this is hard. Hard to take for you and hard to confront your mum on it. It's basically nearly impossible to tell if your mum is telling you the truth or convieniently suffering on the occasions you require her to be there for you (and your DD)....tricky.

Are there other signs that she has 'issues' with you? Or does it mainly stem from her missing your DD's special occasions?

She has issues with me and most other family members. I just wonder how much is manic depression and how much is her! It hurts she can't make effort for me/my DD and attends my nieces party even though she has issues with her mother/my sister too! She also went to my cousins wedding shortly after my DD's christening. I think she is being manipulative/nasty and if you try discuss anything, she cites her illness. She doesn't accept responsibility for anything.
I feel like I should be livid at her non-attendance at these two events, but I actually feel confused/hurt.

fuck her off? bit over rated this family bollocks isn't it?

My mum is manic depressive too, and what you've described sounds very similar to mine. I think largely it is her illness causing her to behave like this, rather than her not caring. Still very hard to deal with though I know.

Half of you thinks, 'she's ill, I must be supportive' but half of you finds it hard not to be hurt, angry and just wishing she'd behave herself. (Or that's how I feel anyway.)When I was 8 she left me on the doorstep and went away for three days, the neighbours saw me sitting there and took me in til she camne back, no one had any idea where she was. I know she didn;t mean it but it's very hard not to feel very angry with her for that!

The thing that confuses me with my mum, and sounds like yours is similar, is that even in the grips of a really serious episode she can still be so sly and manipulative, it makes it seem like she is in control of what she's doing, although I know she's not really.

You have my sympathy, it's not easy is it?

I am sorry you are going through this. It really really hurts. That your mom is ill is a rationalization and perhaps a justifiable explanation; but the rationalization and justification feels like dismissiveness to your pain, nay dismissive to your very existence.

Does it feel as though she is treating you as if you don't exist, for whatever reason or mechanism of her distorted perspective?

That was my experience. Cry and I cried alone. Even when my boyfriend broke up with me and I cried for 2 hours within her sight, but she couldn't give me a hug or say anything to me.

You have the right to feel hurt. I don't know if there is anything you can do to change her interaction with you though. You can really only change how you will react, or respond.

I recommend bringing your level of hope and anticipation down to z e r o. Do not expect anything. Try not to swing to far and expect negativity-that's another cess pool in itself. Neutral is what might work best. Then if something good happens, all the better (what a nice surprise); but if nothing happens - then there it is: nothing. There is nothing for you to waste your brain space on.

A positive note is you have indirect permission to cut those apron strings and move on as an autonomous adult. Your lo will not be worse off by the relief of not having to try to understand her either.

The sibling compairsons are wicked. I have 2 sisters and well, let's just say I'm onto the myth that we were all treated equally.
You can choose to just not go there and have a detox plan to recover from any interaction you can not avoid.

Thanks for this thread. I don't know much about bi-polar/manic depressive. But I do know I was emotionally neglected/abused because of it.

If you have not already, the Stately Homes thread may be of service to you-toxic family of origin experiences and recovery strategies.

Having similar problems with my MIL.
She has suffered from bouts of depression since her teens and they seem to coincide with big life events (our wedding / the birth of her first grandchild for eg) which make them even more upsetting for her family.

Am trying to help my HB feel less hurt by her manipulative and selfish behaviour through trying to remember that it is because if the illness (at other times she is lovely), but tbh I can also totally understand when he says he has had enough of it.

Does anyone know if there are any good books for relatives of people with depression? Some tips on how to cope with it and relate to the depressed person would be helpful.

Have any of you read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward? Just found it on the Stately Homes thread and wondering if it's any good?

Thanks for all replies. She texted at wkend to say she had pressie for DD and she'll call today. No sign of her yet! I replied OK to text but was wondering should I have said No. I'm torn between wanting to help her/be there for her but I don't want my three DCs to be exposed to her negativity. I don't know what to do.

Mummamango Haven't read that book.

I think people (parents esp and not only depressives) find it easier to attend events, including family events, where they are less likely to be challenged, or centre or attention - so going to your niece's party is easier than coming to your daughters, as she may consciously or sub-consciously be thinking that you may 'challenge' her somehow, or ask her something she doesn't want to deal with, so she doesn't come to your events to make that impossible to happen.