Catwalker/WWIFN - are you still here on Mumsnet - affairs advice

[sheba2288]

I have been following up on threads regards affairs in the past couple of weeks, after finding out about my own DH's affair about a month ago (been together 20plus yrs, 2 DCs, DH involved with work colleague)

Catwalker/WWIFN - your thread in April really touched a nerve with me, and I was wondering if you can give me an update?

My world seems to have been shattered and although we are trying to work through this, I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same again, as I didn;t even think it was that bad to start off with.

All other MNetters with experience, please could you give me your advice regards initmacy after an affair. I find myself desperate to resume a physical relationship (which DH seems unwilling at the moment), as if to reclaim him back to me, and then at the same time, feeling crazy to be even contemplating such thoughts. Our physical relationship was such a big thing before, and during his relationship with OW, it was practically non existent, which was one of the tell tale signs. Am I going mad?

Hi Sheba, sorry you are in this horrible situation. First of all, take care of yourself. Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and I found this site very useful, some very good articles.

Re the sex thing, when my "D"H first left OW he went completely off sex for about a month, I thought he had "overdosed" on it but he has just told me that it was the emotional side more than anything, a sort "OMG I've been having sex with an OW not my wife, how could I have done than", the feeling that sex was responible for getting him into this situation etc. I just backed off but I remember feeling doubly rejected . We were having therapy at the time and he did raise the subject with the therapist because he didn't understand it himself and was worried his libido had gone forever, apparently it is not unusual. Hope this helps.

Yes your marriage can get better but it will take a lot of hard work, lots of two steps forward and 3 back. Just be kind and civil to each other if you can't manage anything else atm.

Txs Countingto10, you were also one of the MNs I was hoping to hear from. Your advice in the past seemed so sensible.

We are in counselling at the moment, although DH is a bit reluctant. 4 weeks on, it seems to have hit home with him this week, v emotional. The whole enormity and stupidity of what he did has hit home. Thing is... he seems to be the one who needs the comforting around the very small circle that know and I'm left to be the strong one, which I'm not.

Sheba going away for the weekend now but didn't want to go off without replying. Take one day at a time and as far as your DH is concerned, he is have to look at the "man in the mirror" now and doesn't like what he sees. Don't let him wallow in self-pity for too long, he has to man up, take responsibility for the affair and change himself. My DH had a lot of reasons for his affair, low self-esteem, work/business pressures, financial pressures, pressure of the 4DSs, but ultimately he chose to do it, he could have said no.

Good luck and treat yourself.

Hello sheba2288

Similar situation here. I found out 5 weeks ago that my DH was having an affair with a work colleague.

We have been married 8 years and have 3 dcs.

He went completely off sex and distanced himself from me whilst he was "indulging". Which in hindsight was a massive clue.

Like you I thought our marriage was strong. I was busy working part time and bringing up our 3 dcs.

I agree with counting10, the Shirley Glass book has been a god send to me. She gives sensible advice, insight into what your DH has done and most of all hope.

My DH and I are going to Relate soon.

We are trying to be kind and compassionate to each other atm. And succeeding most of the time.

But it BUGS me to hell that sees her at flipping work everyday!

I have very mixed feelings re our sex life. I want to be close to him again, but it feels icky now, because of what he has done. Yuck.

Get your husband to read the Shirley Glass book as well, it is enlightening.

I hope things improve in time for you, with kindness to each other, and his honesty now, it should.

Are there always so many 'affair' threads on MN, or am I just noticing them now as the are relevant?

I'm only a few days into discovering H's infidelity, so I'm very sorry I don't have much to offer you Sheba.

I think the answer is yes, you probably are going mad, much as I am. I am also desperate to resume a physical relationship but we are separating, so I would like to think there is some semblance of normality in this madness you and I share.

I find it useful to 'timetable' my melt-downs. I can get through the day knowing that once they are in bed I will allow myself that time. And if I don't feel it coming I'll play some relevant music, look at the wedding photos, visualise the best moments of the last 10 years. It feels less like torture, and more of a release.

We are also using Relate, independently at the moment, but will go together eventually. He wants to save the marriage, I want to end it.

That website is very good. There is so much support on MN, I've found it overwhelming. Make good use of it, because it is there and offered freely.

I wish you all the very best of luck, and, eventually, a happy marriage if that's the path you choose xx

Thanks for all your responses. I will order the book today as it is so recommended on this forum.

It has been a help to just to able to type down how I feel, as it has been an isolating few months. Up until the moment I found concrete evidence, via a text msg, I did not think DH would ever cross that line. More so, as OW had been on his pursuit for around 4 years. It just feels like I am a person outside watching this whole episode unfold.

ATM, we are very close, closer than we've been for months. Although there is no excuse whatsoever for justification, I am hoping that this will bring us closer, but how we do that, is still a mystery to me.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I have been there myself, twice, and I know that the task of rebuilding things seems so daunting. i would advise taking baby steps and trying not to expect that things will suddenly feel normal again. It is a slow process but it can be done.

I don't think that a relationship can ever get back to being exactly the same again after an affair. But you can recover something that different but still worth having, and even, possibly, better in some ways (more equal? more realistic?)

My h still works with his OW, which has been a torment to me. I wish now that I had insisted on them working separately, or at least that I had immediately set explicit boundaries for their behaviour (ie completely, utterly professional - no flirting, no meeting for lunches, drinks etc). I thought it would be common sense for them to be completely cold towards each other in the aftermath, but in fact I discovered that they were still reminiscing and flirting by email 4 years on. Cue more pain and opening of old wounds.

So I would strongly advise that you try to get them to work as far away from eachother as possible and to set up very clear boundaries which you are prepared to enforce.

I also agree that you should not let him be too self pitying for long. My h was hurt in an accident almost immediately after his first affair, and i had to go straight into caring, sympathetic mode. And I actually think that this set us back badly. I needed him to be regretful and sad, but also responsible and strong. I needed to be the one receiving comfort and care - not giving it. And this time I have told him absolutely clearly that I need him to be strong and positive. Maybe this is something you could tell your h too if if would help?

I think that something has to change and he has to focus on proving himself to you - on winning you back.

And I wouldn't advise doing what I did first time round - thinking that witnessing my pain and suffering would be enough to put him off doing it again. After 'getting over it' all my myself, I never mentioned it; never spoke about it - just pushed it down deep inside.

Now, doing it again second time round, I want to be something not hidden away and unspeakable, but something that we can talk about together, that we deal with together, openly.

I definitely agree with suspicious that it is better to set a time limit on the thinking and going over things in your mind. I thought I might literally be going mad, as things raced round in my head, and it was getting me nowhere. Counselling was hugely helpful in getting my thoughts sorted out.

As regards regaining intimacy, I am not sure what to advise, because I don't think I am there yet. My body is there and enjoys the physical closeness, but my mind and loving emotions are not properly back there yet. Sometimes i even cross my fingers.

My strategy is that by keeping the physical side going, and not making it into another hurdle to get over, eventually, as my trust builds back up again, the love will come back too.

I do think I am getting there (slowly) but it is hard to keep to intrusive thoughts out. And I can't seem to say 'I love you' any more, which makes me terribly sad.

I will look forward to hearing what other, wiser MNers have to say...

In this economic climate I don't think DH could get another job, away from OW. I know he really enjoys his current job, not just because she works there, and he has not asked for a transfer. But knowing the area he works in I don't think it is realistic anyway.

I have said that he must be utterly neutral with her. And have stated he must be completely professional. He must not spend time alone with her. And all talking to her must be about work, and certainly not about how he is, I am or the kids are, or our marriage. I told him that it is non of her business now. And that she must know this.

I too feel like a by stander, having watched the whole sorry situation unfold over two years. She has appeared to persue him, contacting him on fb and by txt outside work hours to moan about work, making him feel unduly negative about work. And then offering to support him.

She is much more confident than him, so when they were networking with other services they would go on long journeys alone together. Therefore spending a lot of quality time together. he was happy with this because she did most of the work.

She supported him at work. And offered help to him on occasions outside work as well.

It really seems like she wanted to rescue him and nurture him. Even though he is a grown man with responsibilities.

Oh well, hearing MrsJellicle's experience, I really hope he has dropped her and is not continuing their cozy chats etc. I have definitely laid the law down, and made it clear what is appropriate behaviour for a work colleague and what is not appropriate. I hope it has got through his skull!!!

Again, thanks for your responses.

In my case, OW is no longer at work (hooray!). However, the circumstances regards how it progressed are very similar to yours maandpa. But knowing that he chose to cross the line, when I have been so open in stating my worries regards her over the past few years, has really floored me. I really can't get past that, at the moment.

Hence, the reason why I am desperate for the physical side, even though the thought of them both is still a recurring nightmare. Hearing MrsJellicle has at least even me a perspective. DH seems so wary though, as though he doesn't want to hurt me even more. Even though we had an intense relationship before, it was one that was unspoken, and so I am unable to talk about it to him. Does anyone get this?

Sheba - no real advice I'm afraid. Our physical relationship resumed a matter of days after discovery. It had been well over a year since his one and only sexual encounter with the ow, though he had remained in touch with her by text. I think we were both so horrified at what we could have lost we found a new and very intense love for each other. Unfortunately the new and better relationship is marred by his guilt and shame and my pain and confusion. We are trying to work through these but when I have bad spells they really are very very bad (I've been down all week - hence my post yesterday about wanting to check his phone records).
Sorry to hear it's only a month since you discovered. I'm not trying to discourage you, but I'm afraid there's a long road ahead. For me it's been a case of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. However, on the plus side, I'm now nearly 2 stone lighter which has helped me feel a bit better about myself!

Good to hear from you catwalker. You may think that you are passing bad news, but I am trying to prepare myself for a long road to recovery. Things at the moment are too good to be true.

DH is at a really low ebb, with remorse and guilt, and I feel nauseous most days, and in disbelief. We are talking, but he has refused to go over the past ATM, as it is through my questioning earlier in the week which has triggered off his current spell. Hence, I am back to imagining certain events. Like yourself, I lost a stone and a half in 3 weeks! Not the best way to do it, but yes, it does help somehow. However, it has been so noticable that everyone I bump into is quizzing me!

The only thing that is keeping me going is that about 6 weeks ago, when I hadn't discovered all this, I was at my lowest, as I really couldn't explain to myself what was going on, yet I knew we were heading towards splitting up. So to be in this position, still in the same house, DCs much more settled (they have been v affected by all this, yet unsure what has gone on), it has to be a positive.

Hello sheba2288 I'm gutted that my dcs have been v affected by our relationship problems, and the fallout from his affair.

I'm in a lot of pain and confusion too. I just gritted my teeth and had sex with him. It did feel really crazy though.

Hope you feeling a little better today.

god if my h had an affair i wouldnt have sex with him till i was ready#
certainly not in a few days after

no wonder they carry on doing it!

Alaska - that's a very sweeping and judgemental statement. Everyone's relationship and circumstances are different and you are in no position to judge others.

Alaska - 'no wonder they carry on doing it' could you have said anything more insensitive or stupid if you tried?
Just so you know, until it actually happens you don't know how you will react. You might think you do but deceit provokes very complex, and often irrational, responses.
Sex isn't a reward for good behaviour, nor is withholding punishment for bad, but perhaps if we withold they will learn their lesson. Why didn't I think of that?

Alaska, really can't understand why you actually bothered to post a thought on this, as clearly, you have no idea.

Thanks for your concern manadpa. Today has been a strange one so far. I made a off the cuff remark about a woman with a large cleavage to DH, and he said something along the lines of "you're not jealous, are you?". The fact he is actually looking and that I am bothered by that is disturbing.... I never felt insecure and upset before, yet I know I clearly don't know what he is thinking anymore....

how do you know ANYTHING about my experiences? :)

if someone had sex with another owman there is NO WAY id have sex with them for a LONG time.
reinitiating intimacy makes them think its all ok and back to normal

sheba -I started a similar thread earlier in the week -here

I think we're all different -some may want to resume things others may not. I'm in the holding back (scared?) camp.

I read something earlier in the week (on a website called beyond affairs.com IIRC -I'd seen a link on here) and it talked about some women whose husbands had cheated not only wanting to resume sex asap but becoming "sex goddesses" in an attempt to reclaim their man and almost compete with the OW.

There is a technical term for wanting to have sex again quickly after an affair: Hysterical Bonding. It is quite commonly found. IT happened to me. I was totally taken aback by it but kind of felt better when I found out that it was a known event after affairs. It is believed to be about reclaiming each other.

So Sheba you are not going mad - going through something normal (())

Yes Alaska that was v insensitive!

Thanks CDUK, I hadn't picked up yr thread previously. As suspicious mentioned earlier, there does seem be a lot of "affairs" talk on at the moment!

Thank goodness it isn't just me. Hysterical bonding sounds like a brilliant term to descibe the way I've been. I think because my DH started to lose weight, be particular about his clothes, and having his hair cut without nagging (yes, all classic signs, but I really didn't guess until OW tried to out him), it has made me somewhat paranoid regards how attractive I am to him now.

After reading all the advice given, I really need to think of myself more. Today hasn't been a great day for me. The insensitive comments he made earlier today have really jolted me. We have discussed it, and I am feeling slightly better, but I realise I have to give myself time to grieve what has been lost.