Could i have some advice please?

[MintyCat]

Hello,
I'm a lurker, and have seen the wonderful advice you have given everyone,
I need some advice and help.
Background story. My father left when i was 4 and did not see much of each other and still now rarely talk, i feel this might have something to do with the way i feel.

I was badly bullied all through my school life, to the point i was skipping school and self harming.

I was sexually abused at the age of 13/14 from a member of family. I don't think i was believed and he is still part of the family.

When i was 15 i meet my wonderful df, who was 26. I quickly became pregnant with dc1, moved out and into his flat.

Fast forward to now, we have 4 dc's, dc1 5, dt's 2.5 and dc 4 20 weeks. we are slowly building up a taxi service, and we are due to get married in a couple of weeks.

I think there is something wrong with me mentally.
I don't like leaving the house unless i have someone with me, if i do i start sweating and my heart races. If i have to going into a room where i don't no anyone, i panic my heart goes faster feel sick and go lightheaded.
I live in constant worry my df is going to leave me, i worry i'm not attractive to him and that he would be better of with someone else.
tmi: i cant orgasm never have even on my own, i just get to a point i can't go over, i feel like i'm letting him down over this.

I don't like the thought of him watching porn, it makes me feel like i'm not needed but he says he only watched a couple of times since we have been together, and doesn't like it, I have no to reason to doubt this but i do.
i know how i feel is stupid and i don't want to feel this way anymore. But i don't know where to go from here.I dont want to be scared of going out on my own, Also if i carry on i know i'm going to push my df away.
He tells me he loves me and finds me attractive and doesn't want anyone else, He says i should also go out a bit more on my own and have fun, but i only have a couple of friends so have no one to go with,
I know how i feel is stupid.
I'm constanly trying to hold back the tears.
Sorry its long i just needed to get it all out.
any advice welcome

Hopefully someone with more experience will be along soon..... but just wanted to say well done for being brave enough to open up so honestly, it can't be easy.
Have you spoken to your partner? He sounds lovely, does he know anything about your background?
I'm no expert but without a doubt I'd say you would benefit from some professional help, it sounds like you've had some truly awful experiences in life and its no wonder you are struggling now.
Sorry to not be much help, I just couldn't read your post without responding. I'm sorry your feeling so awful x

Thank you,
Yes he does know of my past but i don't think he realises how badly it affected me, He is lovely,
I just feel so unattractive and useless, im scared he will find someone better.
x

I'm sorry but I do think you need counselling
Maybe try: www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Resources/helplines.htm
or www.napac.org.uk/

Do talk to your partner, but you will also need professional help, but it can get better. You have done so brilliantly so far.

go and speak to your GP. You are still very young and yet have had a lietime of experiences that must have been traumatic.

Ask for CBT in order to help with your anxieties. he may als be able to prescribe you some AD's in order to help ease the pressure of how you are feeling about yourself.

Minty, like Primrose I wanted to to know your post had been read.
Again as Primrose said, counselling would really help you.
You seem to be suffering with anxiety (been there) and i can offer you a few tips: you need to control your breathing when you feel like this. It takes practice, but you can do it. Breathe in for 3 seconds, and breathe out slowly for 5. When you have a panic attack there is a tendency over breathe too quickly; this breathing exercise really helps. When we feel anxious we release adrenaline, which prepares us for flight or flight. When we have anxiety disorders this response can become (through habit) our first response to any situation. I'm sorry to have banged on about the anxiety, but it really helped me to have the science bit explained a little. Beta blockers from the GP really helped as they are not mind altering and allowed me to face my fears with the beta blockers preventing me from having full blown panic attacks.
Please also seek out Cognitive Behavioural Therapy; your GP can refer you. This type of therapy will help you to address the insecurities you have developed as a result of your childhood. The rejection from a parent is major, it presents a minefield of emotional challenges to overcome. Similarly the lack of belief and protection you faced when abused is also a kind of rejection. Any normal person would have grown up feeling that they are less worthy than those around them.
But that's not the case. You did deserve for both of your parents to support, love and protect you.
Please make an appointment with your GP (they might still be open for you to make an appointment!) and keep talking to us here. You deserve to be listened to, we're listening and we care x

My GP is closed till the morning,
I've been to the doctors before and he is very helpful, and knows all about the past. But as stupid as it sounds I get panic even phoning to make an appointment with him. I will do it tomorrow. I will write a letter of take in what I have typed as I don't know if I will be able to put everything across by saying it. I don't know why but all of a sudden it just all got on top of me and I just keep thinking everything through in my head and I'm going round and round in circles.
Maristella Thank you I will try the breathing tips.
Thank you all, I'm sitting here in tears. reading your advice it means alot
x

Writing it all down sounds like a great idea! Please do phone in the morning, maristella's advice about anxiety sounds really helpful. Let us know how you get on, if your doctor is helpful, that sounds like a good sign. Keep talking to us, as posted above, we're here xx