heavily pregnant and alone

[Lia1977]

Im 32 weeks pregnant with my 1st baby. Ive been with my husband for 14 years but we're actually married for 2. It hasnt been easy at all. Ive been cheated on lots of time but themost significant one was on the year we got married. Two months before our wedding i found out he had gone away in business and had taken a girl with him. I found pics of the 2 of them on a secret email account that he had. I still married him but since then i found out that he had a paid account on a website of married people wanting to find affairs. This year, while we were actively trying to get pregnant, i found out that he had a secret phone to contact women he met online. Since ive discovered my pregnancy ive had to ask him to support me and to come to appointments with me because he doesnt show any interest in the baby whatsoever, which is shocking because he really wanted a baby.He now told me that he thinks that he's addicted to the internet so, with his agreement, I changed the password of our laptp. This was sunday night. Today he's off work and last night when we went to bed he started demanding to know the new password. I ignored him and went to sleep. This morning he started calling me at work to get the password and then texting me calling me all sorts of names. I eventually gave in and sent him a text with the password. He replied saying that he was leaving and moving back to our home country. Long post, sorry but i needed to offload! No one in my family (or his) knows truth about out marriage. From the outside we have a perfect life: nice house, nice car, nice holidays. He's always respectful in front of other people and even at home when it's just the 2 of us.

How do you class that as respectful to the 2 of you "when it's just us" harrassing you and calling you names?

Let him go if I were you, he has more issues than a laptop addiction, probably a sex one.

I mean that this morning when he sent those horrible text messages i was very shocked because it never happened before. On the other hand, he's never been truly respectful of me because he doesnt honour our relationship. We havent had sex since I got pregnant. Before he always complained about how boring i am in bed. I agree with him but i just cant bring myself to enjoy sex with somebody who i cant trust.

He does not respect you at all, never has done, not one tiny bit.

He is having a go at you for being crap in bed because and you think that is repsectful? You have self esteem issues causing you not to let go because of his actions and you agree with him. How is this respectful?

Be glad he has gone and start divorce proceedings.

I truly don't know where to start with this

So many wrong things going on here

I hope you get some support, Lia, and I am sorry you are going through this x

Thank u so much for ur messages. I know im an idiot and I shouldnt have allowed things to get to this stage. I will not prevent him from leaving me at all. I know im better off without him but i still feel sad because i think that ive put up with so much shit and still didnt take me anywhere.

I am very, very pleased you are not still trying to make a relationship with this excuse for a man

Im really scared but i also feel it's now or never. Things are so bad between us that we've been having physical fights. Im the one slapping him first and things escalate from there. It's just really really bad. Ive tried so hard to make it work that ive forgotten about me. He says he isnt happy because he's unable to go surfing in London. This is the level of selfishness ive had to deal with! Ridiculous!

Lia, I've been in this situation and I'm just working out how to extract myself from our relationship with the least damage to our kids.

Your husband is blaming anything and everything except himself. He has an internet addiction that allows him to claim that he can't help his actions.

I think you should be glad he's gone and I would also tell everyone the real truth of what's happening to you. You are going to need real friends and you'll be surprised at the ones that will support you and help you.

You're not an idiot. You're entitled to expect honesty and integrity from your husband and it's not your fault if he fails so spectacularly in this most basic requirement. Get angry with him, my love, once the shock has passed. It's his fault, not yours and don't you forget it . He's committed adultery and broken his marriage vows. The contract you both made is now null and void, so don't waste any more of your precious time on the selfish bastard, except to lose him as quickly as possible. Check your bank accounts and do your best to isolate funds for yourself and your baby.

he could try surfing off the top of a very tall building ...

I am told that will give you a fantastic adrenalin rush

You are not an idiot, I guess it's hard, but you just wanted a vent and kind of confirmation of what you really know.

Im being careful with money. We bought a place in March so obviously all our savings went but since then we've been living off his salary and saving my wages for when im on maternity leave. He doesnt have access to that account!
Anyfucker, uve made me laugh!

Do you live in the UK Lia? I think if you do it is well worth a visit to Citizens Advice to find out all the help and support you will be eligible for right now and legally where you stand.

Make sure you divert any benefits you receive into a private account for you and the baby.

I actually think you are well shot of this man. Your child and you deserve love and respect and a healthy environment for your child to grow up in. You will be fine. Once the baby arrives and at ante natal group, sure start centres and mums and toddlers you will make lots of lovely friends.

Sorry just a couple of further thoughts from me. My H cheated on me and also had a mild porn addiction too which I often forget to mention, he didn't ever want to get friendly if I was pregnant or once breast feeding. I don't think it fits with their image they've fed off on the internet these women of fantasy The reality of a wife and mother is rather different to that Unfortunately it really effected my self esteem at the time. Towards the end I became so focused on trying to salvage the relationship, I realised that I stopped asking myself whether I actually wanted to be with him. Until mumsnet helped me to think straight

I know it's much harder because of the expected baby, but seriously, if you had to describe the kind of partner and relationship and father to your baby you would like to have in your life - is he any of those qualities? That is what helped me to also have a reality check at that terrible time in my life, thinking along these lines.

Yes, i do live in UK. The main problem will be our mortgages. We have 2 places. One in London and another one back home. We will have to sell them. I should go to Citizens Advice because i wont be able to support the baby on my own because private childcare would take half of my wages. At the moment i dont get any benefits because of our combined incomes but on my own hopefully ill qualify for some.

Yes you will qualify for lots of things which will be a big help at this difficult time You will be ok, he probably won't though

Thanks teaandcakeplease. Im worried about telling people that we've split up. I feel embarrased. I know i shouldnt because people break up all the time but i do.

He is the one who has done wrong not you. You don't need to tell them all the gory details, just say he's committed adultery and leave it there. No need to dress it up it looks awful just like that

Anyway no rush to tell everyone as it can be painful. Just a few close people who love you and you trust will do for now.

Lia, you sound very sensible and grown-up...much more so than your surf-dude partner!

Do not ever feel embarassed about what he has done. It is not your fault...it is his fault

he is too immature to be a good partner and father

I would make sure people know the truth...although I expect he will try to stop you from telling people

Ive just phone the landline nr at home and he's still there! He's probably just spent the day wanking on internet (this isnt a joke).He hasnt left! what am i going to do if he doesnt go?!?!?

Do you think he said everything in the heat of the moment then and has no intention of leaving?

I think you should talk to him and explain that you do not want to end it and do not want to continue your relationship. Could you stay elsewhere with a friend tonight? Just go home and pick up a few clothes?

Citizens Advice would know more than I do on rights etc, as my H was good and let me have the property as I had 2 DCs already. It made more sense for him to pack a bag than me.

Talk to him.

Womens Aid maybe worth a call as well. They maybe able to give you some very good advice quickly, given the nature of the arguements lately and the associated violence.

I could stay at a hotel tonight but what will i do tomorrow and the following days? He's a chicken, he wont go anywhere. I will have to tell him this is it and start divorce proceedings. Does anybody know how long it takes to get divorced if both parties are in agreement? he wont be difficult because I will be doing him a favour.

Tell him to fuck off and stay somewhere else and take his laptop with him. You are heavily pregnant and need to be at home. None of this is your fault. Why should you be inconvenienced? Tell him he's treated you disrespectfully and he can go with his tail between his legs. Do not leave your home for him. This is not your fault and you cannot be wandering about looking for hotels in your condition.

Ring Womens Aid and arrange to see Citizens Advice, it's usually first come first served, rather than making an appointment.

Ring him and tell him you do want to break up as he has already said. If he is any sort of decent man he should move out as you're pregnant. It's far easier for him to stay somewhere else for a short while until you know what is what legally.

Please just call him and talk to him.