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Original poster

Do I tell my friend that our male friend doesn't fancy her?

31 replies

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 04/08/2010 22:44

I need some light relief from my own problems and want to be all teenage and talk about my two friends.

We're all mates. They are both single, obviously I'm not.
She fancies him.
He was oblivious until last night.
Last night he guessed when she had gone home after she'd been a bit moody with him.
He was very shocked. He said he really likes her as a mate but doesn't fancy her at all.

She made me promise some time ago that if he ever revealed to me that he didn't like her in that way I'd have to tell her so she didn't make a fool of herself.

She's got a huge crush on him now.
She'll be gutted.

Part of me thinks we should just ignore it all and hope she goes off him when she gets no joy for a while longer.

But part of me thinks I should tell her because she'll be even more gutted if she finds out I know how he feels about her.

what are we - 15?!

Do I tell her though?

OP posts:
Herecomesthesciencebint · 04/08/2010 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BEAUTlFUL · 04/08/2010 22:48

Why don't you lie be tactful and say that after she left he was telling you all about some girl he's got a he-uge crush on?

Lynli · 04/08/2010 22:48

You made her a promise that you would tell her, so tell her. Very gently.

BEAUTlFUL · 04/08/2010 22:49

Second thoughts:

"She made me promise some time ago that if he ever revealed to me that he didn't like her in that way I'd have to tell her so she didn't make a fool of herself."

Aw, tell her. Sorry but I think you have to. You promised.

Why was she being moody??

Original poster
oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 04/08/2010 22:50

I see what you mean...

I also can't guarantee that he won't act like a complete dick and make it absolutely obvious he doesn't fancy her. He's not very good at being subtle

It's such a shame as he was always very comfortable with both of us before and he was unguarded and really natural. That's probably why she liked him so much. Now sex has reared its ugly head and I don't ewant it to spoil everything. I enjoy both their company so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 04/08/2010 22:54

God this is all so teenage! But anyway...

She was being moody because she likes him so much and he only has to say something that slightly indicates that he's not going to whisk her off to Las Vegas and marry her and she gets upset. She suggested we all go back to her place to watch a DVD but he said he wanted to stay in the pub, so she went home. It all started because he was saying 'why does she behave like that with me sometimes? I feel like I'm doing something wrong? Doesn't she like me or something?' etc etc. bless him

I asked him if he'd ever pulled a girl's pigtails at school and he just looked at me and said 'what?'

OP posts:
trefusis · 04/08/2010 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 04/08/2010 23:05

Yes that's a good idea. He's going to see family for a few weeks very soon. maybe he can get off with a mystery woman from his home town.

I think she made me agree to the promise thing, safe in the knowledge that I wouldnt really ever have to actually do it. In reality she would hate it if I told her. I know I would.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 04/08/2010 23:10

No, don't go with this silly subterfuge. Best it comes from him to her. If he is a friend he should have the courage to say to her, I feel you are falling for me a bit, but I'm sorry I don't feel the same way.

Original poster
oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 04/08/2010 23:14

Maybe I'll just pretend I don't know anything

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/08/2010 23:20

No you must tell her. If she's being daft about it - ie. getting cross because he's not flirting with her or whatever then you need to put her out of her misery.

Yes she will probably take it out on you to begin with, but in the long run she'll thank you for preventing her making a total fool of herself. Because you know where this is going next, you will all be drunk, she will throw herself at him and get rejected and then there will be tears and tantrums.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/08/2010 08:17

How weird to lie to her about another woman. Surely it will be just as painful, if not more so, to hear than that he values her friendship but is not attracted to her? She would be imagining everything they're doing together that she wants, it would be torture. Besides, if the truth comes out she'll have the additional pain of knowing that her best friend lied to her.

If you're going to be a tiny bit dishonest (and I agree it's best to gloss over the fact that he now knows she fancies him) it would surely be better to say that he commented after she went that he liked her as a mate, you said "just a mate?" to sound him out and he said oh yes, a good mate of course, but not, you know, anything like that. So she'd know how he feels but not what he knows.

Anyway suppose one day he did fall for her but she believed there was another woman on the scene? That sort of misunderstanding only has a happy ending in old movies!

overmydeadbody · 05/08/2010 08:25

I agree with Annie.

Just tell her, you have to, without mentioning any other fictitional woman.

God it's awful to fancy someone who doesn't fancy you back, you have to put her out of her misery, then she can move on.

BohoHobo · 05/08/2010 08:40

I would definitely tell her. Like it is - he likes her very much but doesn't fancy her at all.

diddl · 05/08/2010 09:21

I think tell her.

Although if you are all friends & he hasn´t asked her out I can´t believe she hasn´t cottoned on tbh.

dogfish · 05/08/2010 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

buttonmoon78 · 05/08/2010 10:42

Tell her. Very nicely. But tell her. You can't lie to her about another woman and unfortunately if you say that you had a conversation where you 'sounded him out' based on something he said she'll always think 'but he said that because it had never really occurred to him it was an option'. Be honest.

DDDixon · 05/08/2010 16:07

Tell her the truth! It's always better to know. A pain for you, but better for both of them. It might bugger up your social scene for a bit, I should imagine that one or both of them will want to keep their distance for a while.

Remotew · 05/08/2010 16:22

Gosh, this is difficult. I would say that a roundabout conversation took place and you got the impression he only saw her as a friend. Lie a little and tell her it was all very subtle.

A friend once told me that a guy I'd been gushing about said he didn't see me in that way. I felt awful for a little while. He was a beautiful looking guy and the only reason I thought I had a chance is because he asked me for my phone no a while before, never gave it him, and his mate said he must like me to give me so much attention when we met.

Same friend told me fancied a guy we knew and all walked home together one night. He wouldn't come back with us for a nightcap. An hour later he rang asking if she had gone because he wanted to see me alone. I still couldn't tell her the truth though.

expatinscotland · 05/08/2010 16:23

Tell her.

ZombiePlanB · 05/08/2010 16:23

tell her just before she's got something exciting planned so she knows but is distracted.

say first - 'I have something horrid to tell you, and you are going to be really upset' then pause and she'll imagine something awful. Then tell her, she probably have thought of something far worse.

then run away to the bar and get a bottle of vodka!

EekaSqueaka · 05/08/2010 17:37

Poor bloke! I'd probably pull her up for being arsey with him for no good reason. That he doesn't fancy her would almost be a 'btw'...

Original poster
oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 06/08/2010 15:27

yes I will tell her. I was just being cowardly when I said about the other woman. I like the one that gives the impression he wasn't keen without saying he definitely doesn't fancy her.

agree, dogfish, but most men seem more able to take it on the chin. and I expect that most men, when they fancy someone are thinking:
a) i wonder what she looks like with no clothes on

whereas women like my friend are thinking:
a) i wonder what it will be like when he introduces me to his parents
b) does it matter that he likes skiing and I don't?
c) who will i have as my bridesmaids?
d) that pair of shorts of his will have to go in the bin when I get a chance
e) i wonder what our children will look like

(...all things I have heard her say in the last 6 months - not all of them tongue in cheek!)

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 06/08/2010 15:29

Lie. Tell her he's conducting a long-distance affair with an utterly gorgeous American woman that he met online. And he has eyes for no-one else.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 07/08/2010 07:47

Why don't you speak to him and say that he needs to talk to her? That's the adult way, not you being plonked in the middle! For him to sit down with her and tell her how much he values her as a friend, but that he has begun to suspect she feels more than that and he's sorry, but he just doesn't feel the same way, etc etc.