In the doldrums - how to get out?

[larks35]

Me and DP are basically not happening as a couple and haven't been for some time. We have a DS (18mo) and we both work and it is hard going. I'm off now for the summer (teacher) and really want to work at our relationship but I don't know how to do it! Whenever I say something about our "doldrums" he sees it as a criticism and gets really defensive.

We've just come back from a camping hell holiday and I feel like everything is my fault, DS waking at night, DS being ill, even the weather!

I am a bit pee'd off with DP but will happily shelve it all if we could just come together and be a couple. I'm not making much sense but please can someone give some advice how to fix a dying relationship

he has to want it too and not leave all the effort to you...that would be a decent starting point

thanks AnyFucker, but I don't think I've actually put much effort in recently and now I have time and energy, I'd like to put it to good use. This isn't just about sex btw (although that is seriously lacking), it is about us being a happy couple. How can I kickstart our relationship?

do you have babysitters nearby ?

Couple counselling. And it will need both of you to pit the effort in.

no, and no family either, we have not been out for a night together since DS was born. I have been thinking about this and I do have a friend who would probably come and stay and babysit DS but my fear is that DP won't see the point! He's quite offish and down atm. Maybe I should just set it up and he will have to lump it!

why is he down ?

Get a babysitter and do the 'date' thing. Don't listen to people who say doing the date thing at home while DS sleeps is the same. It's not. You are still subject to the same stresses, wondering if DS will wake up etc.

You really do need time as a couple to 'reconnect'. It sounds as though you are both worn down by the day-to-day living... Just enjoy each other's company and if you have any issues, you can try and deal with them in a neutral surrounding like in a restaurant where you can't descend into a shouting match etc, for example, when you are at home. Good luck and do it before it's too late...

hairytriangle, couple counselling would be good, but as a lot of our stresses are caused by lack of money, I just don't think we could do it. I will look into it though, what does it cost(ish)?

AnyFucker, he's down cos he hates what he does for a living (self-employed, hard graft), but I sometimes think he's down cos I've not turned out to be what he thought . Probably, just silly on my part, but I do sometimes think that.

Have you asked him if this is true (about you) ?

Kind of and he always denies it, but he is just so bloody miserable most of the time and I just want him to off-load his misery a bit and enjoy me! He can be happy with DS, but as soon as DS is in bed, I get the monosyllabic man. If I cook a nice meal then he does appreciate it verbally and we do talk about stuff (current events, mutual friends, work stuff). But, we have ever-increasing moments of silence and also we don't ever get intimate. Maybe that is the point...

jump him ?

I am serious

I did try that a while ago and we did "get intimate" but it was embarrassinglly all from me that I haven't repeated it. The thing is I am now out of practice and could do with at least a little encouragement. But, I think you're right, I'll jump 'im tomorrow night after trying a bit of schmoozing. Worth a go!

put baby to bed early and open a bottle of wine

thanks AF, have a plan for tomorrow night

let us know how it goes x