Recently given birth and marriage falling apart!!!

[Downmum]

I am not even sure where to begin but to cut a story short I got married about a year ago to my partner of 5 years and soon after he lost his job and I became the sole provider. We started to argue everyday and this got worse as time passed and to make matters worse I found out I was pregnant. I walked away from the relationship a few times but somehow we always got back together.

I always knew he had a temper but it just seemed to get worse day by day. It led to me becoming depressed and eventually I started becoming more and more cut off from family & friends. Somehow all arguements always led to me being in the wrong.

I had a beautiful baby gal last month and for a while things between me & my husband could not have been better but today he argued with over something which again turned into me being shouted and screamed at followed by being blamed. Again today he managed to make me feel completely insignificant and feeling like I had committed the worse crime on earth.

I really do love him and I want the marriage to work but i am starting to feel resentful towards him now and getting scared this could be summoning the end of our relationship.

Any1 out there who can advise me what to do???????????

I'm not an expert in relationships, but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

What I do know is that having a baby is really hard for even the best of relationships.

Maybe you could get some counselling?

(You're not in any physical danger, are you?)

Thanks for replying.

No so far it's just hurtful words and reminders of all the times I have let him down! I'm hoping the way I am feeling towards him is just an aftermath of giving birth and hormonal inbalance

Counselling may work if he is willing to go but I can already anticipate the answer will be no.

Maybe in a calm moment you could say something like...

"DH, I realise you might not be getting my full on time and attention right now but there is a good reason for this.
We have just brought a tiny helpless little creature into this world, and, quite rightly, SHE is the centre of my world right not. It is also hugely demanding caring for a newborn, not to mention the massive hormonal and physical changes I have been through. Please be a bit more patient and understanding right now..."

Hope that helps, but just ignore if not appropriate...

No any advise is better than no advise, thanks.

Having a baby is a very hard time in a strong marriage let alone one which was already shaky.

Has your partner tried to find work or considered volunteering as an outlet for his frustrations? It might be something to suggest if he wont go to counselling with you.

Most important for you though, is to remember that you are not to blame, you are not insignificant and he has to take some responsibility for what goes on in your marriage.

Stay strong and focus on your little baby. She needs you alot more than your DH does at the moment.

He has been looking but has had no luck! I think he is so use to carrying out his frustrations on me that he sometimes does not even realise what he is saying. After a few hours he will realise he has done wrong and apologise but by that pint all the things he has said have been going round and round in my head and although I accept his apology I cant forget what he has said. To be fair when we are not arguing he is best partner any1 could want. He is caring, thoughtful, understanding & even a good listener!

Am I being unreasonable/unfair? Should I forgive and forget once he has apologised?

Sorry to go like this

There are only so many times he can do this and expect you to forgive & forget.
I do think he has to deal with his anger in a more constructive way than using you as a verbal punch bag.

Is it worse bacause you are home on Mat leave? When will you be going back to work?

Your Dh really does have to get out there and try much harder to get work. Even if it is unpaid to begin with. Lots of organisations need volunteers. It will get him out of the house and give him back some selfworth.

Yes it's worse because I'm on mat leave and not due back till next year, dreading to think about how will I cope in this time!

You've got a lot of things going on that are major stress factors: first baby; pretty new marriage; your partner's unemployment; you on maternity leave; and I'm sure there is more.

Be kind to each other (yes, it's hard) and try to get some couples counselling.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter and hope things get better for you both soon.

Is he depressed?
he needs to look after himself and you.

Sounds like he could do with counselling.

Personally I would be looking at my options... I know having a babe can throw a spanner in the strongest of marriages, but the shouting and blaming and minimising is a very bad sign of abuse.

And once abuse starts it doesn't stop.
Tell him he's used up his chances and you will not be shouted to in your own home, and if he does it again you'll call the police. Seriously, you need zero tolerance of this shit.

Don't accept this behaviour... would you accept it from a friend you were sharing a flat with?? Thought not.

You BTW are doing a fab job: well done and congratulations.

Hope you can make a decision about your future soon.

Good luck.

hello,i would like to introduce my self as a new father with a fair male perspective,not knowing your husband but there are jobs out there even volentary work to keep his self respect so the the job front is no excuse for his behavior.It should be (apart from you!)the best event in any mans life that will ever happen too him and the only person to be throwing the toy's out the pram is your new blessing and not your husband, HE NEEDS TO GROW UP AND BE A MAN! sorry for that outburst but it does piss me off when so called fathers act like that (IT IS NO LONGER ABOUT HIM ANYMORE!) Just remember his behavoir will no longer be tolerated and leave to your mums house and move out and make him prove over months before you even think about moving back in.I'm sure you love him very much but i would not get away with this with my wife for two seconds and would'nt do it because i love and respect her.Don't put up with it and make sure he knows with actions not words,if he love,s you like you say he will soon come around and make sure he knows his little boy temper now gone he has to replace it with being a daddy (the most highly paid job in the world). best of luck ,fergus

good post, fergus

Fergus. Way better than anything I said. Thank you.

Sorry you're going through so much crap right now Downmum.

It is so difficult when you have a new baby and I can understand that your DH is struggling with everything.

However, apologies mean nothing without a real effort to change the behaviour that makes them necessary.

Could you perhaps tell him that, whilst you appreciate he is saying sorry, this, on it's own is not enough. He needs to back it up by doing something about his behaviour to prevent this happening again and again.

He is a grown man, he ought to be able take responsibilty for his actions. Whether that be finding a new job, voluntary work (as fergus suggested) re training, counselling, taking an active part with your lovely new DD.

Good luck.

ask him if wants to be the sort of daddy who verbally abuses the mother of his child...

To give my earlier post valdation and to give you some hope domnmum, i myself started out being a demanding little boy throwing his toys out of the pram at every opportunity but i grew up.But the thought of losing her and my little girl growing up without me there 24/7 was a bridge too far so i changed as you have to 180 deg from a boy/man to being a father.I was scared to make the leap but you need to tell your husband that its is so worth it,there is so much more to just being there.
There is one very famous quote "you must observe not just see and all will become clear" which for being a daddy/father is paramount! best regards fergus.

ther relationship was getting bad before you ahd a child. anger a etc you walked away from it...

you got backk had a baby - it hasnt fixed the underlying issues bceause it cant.

yes there are new stresses but the issues go back to before dont they?

fergus is right. either he steps up or he goes...

apologising isnt enough - you need actions not words.

individual counselling might help, for both of you - he needs to eb going and saying "i get really angry and i need help"
you need to be going and saying "i dont know how to cope with my H's anger"

couples counselling wont work when you both need different support. maybe later if he goes to seek help in delaing with his situation and issues

I've linked this before and I'll do it again!

wonderful book

More about the man here.

It's worth noting that your DH is probably struggling not providing for your family, afterall when a woman has a baby it's his job to look after them, right? He may feel powerless which is why he's being 'powerful' or rather overpowering toward you. whilst his behavious is unacceptable it is understandable. Perhaps you both need to find a solution....

Start the conversation with offers of what you each can do to make things better, so you say what you will do and he says what he can/will do....

Disagree with Fergus about moving out. If he is abusive he goes, not the mother and baby - why should they be driven out of their home?

Thanks to all for the above advices, i agree with cestlavielife individual counselling might work better as I know if we went to couple counselling I would probably stay quite most of the time as I usually do!

DH has been a bit better in the last few days as I kind off used all the stuff you guys said above like I'm gonna goto my mums and apologies are no longer good enough etc. Seems to have worked as just today DH said he may be going back to his previous work place and starting with them again...... watching this space for an outcome now.

For now things are OK but I know I've got to keep the pressure on and stick to my word and take action if events reoccur, hoping it wont come to that.