Trapped in this relationship forever...feel my heart is breaking...

[TotallyWornDown]

I'm so fed up. I've beenmarried for 13 years, and right now Ijust feel as if we've come to the end of the road.
Wont bore you with all the details. DH is not abusive, fairly decent person really. No others involved. Just have become totally worn down by DH over the years....feel as if I'm walking on eggshells always. Cant be the person I want to be or do the things I want to. So totally lonely.
I have no friends, no interests outside the home. I'm currently a SAHM, although will be starting part time job in a week or so.
All my time is devoted to the home and the children- I have 6 kids who I love more than anything, but they do take up my every waking moment.
We are also very tight for money.Just about cover mortgage,bills,food and clothes/essentials for the kids.No money at all for going out etc...no holidays etc..
I just feel I would be such a happier person on my own sometimes...but no way to achieve that as I wont make the dc have to leave their home/school etc...and we are so broke there's no way we could afford any alternatives.
I've so had enough. Feel I'll be trapped in this miserable existance forever....

well your job might improve things for you? make new friends etc...

bit of a contradiction there -he is decent person --but you walk on eggshells around him. why? what happens if you dont tread carefully?

yes, job might help...not really sure...am worried about the stress ofjugglingchildcare for 6dc, and work and home etc...
also job itself V stressful and have been out of work for a looong time LOL
BUT it will at least give me a "break"! from house and dc...

with regard to walking on egg shells...not sure how to explain it really. He gets upset and goes in V bad mood so easily, so I watch what I say. Certain things I enjoy (like browsing internet, my dog...) he really doesn't "get" andsowill make little digs and coments so I feel I have to limit what I do...(for exapmle I wanted to take the dog to an agility club, but despite planning it and trying to organise things he made comments and made me feel guilty for wanting to go out wih the dog rather than being home sorting all dc out...(it was only a couple of hours a week)He never said "you cant go" or anything like that, just made it really clear that he found it V inconvenient and didnt approve...
It's things like that that make me limit the things I want to do and watch carefully what I say for fear of sending him into a bad mood
I've tried explaining this to him,buthe just doesnt get it. As far as he is concerned all theproblems in our relationship are down to me and how I behave towards him
I'm sure there is fault on both sides...but any time I try to discuss things with him we just end up going round in circles and arguing without resolving anything.
I really want to make my relationship happy again, but I am so fed up of feeling guilty for being me or enjoying things that he doesnt etc...and all the arguing and grumpiness is wearing me down and I'm sure isnt a healthy environment for dc...but what can I do?
Do you have to pay for counseling at relate does anyone know? I am considering this, but tbh itwouldbe so diffivcult to find anyone to babysit the kids that I cant see how we could even manage this...
oh boy...I used to think we would last forever...guess everyone changes though!

You could leave. I know it feels impossible but there is always a way.

Tell us more about your husband...

Your job will probably make all the difference. You will meet new people, get out of the usual mundane day to day stuff, and maybe realise sometime that your marriage has just run its course.

Or maybe it will be just waht is needed to put the spark back into your marriage.

Best of luck for the job and congrats for getting one in this climate

thanks. Yes job is good. Unfortunately it is only till Dec. I was told that I would then almost certainly get a permenant post in new unit after that, but now some uncertainty about whether this will become available ornot...so that is a bit of a worry...still it's better than nothing
tbh, DH IS a decent person. He works hard tokeep a roof over our heads. He will help out when he can. Puts littlest 2 to bed if home on time, will cook on wk/ends etc...He really does try, I cant deny that.I do think that he struggles to be emotionally involved with the older DC...he will often promise them things but then not follow through. They take these little things V serioulsy but he cant see that...but hey he really does try his best with themall!
But when it comes to me and him I just feel we are worlds apart I find it really hard to discus things with him.He seems to resent anything I do for myself, be it going swimming or walking the dog! It doesn't help that we never have any time alone anymore...we just cant afford to go out at all I feel he has VERY little regard for my feelings ( but then I think he thinks the same of me!)...I didnt even get a card for my bday from him this year
He is Soooo grumpy and fed up so muchof the time it drags me down. He never shows ANY interest in talking about anything I want to, yet will talk on for hours about his job/work colleagues...etc...
He is not a bad person. I know some of you on here have been in V difficult relationships, and really it is nothing like that, but still I cant help but wonder if I could be happier person, and better mother, without him....
Then again I have responsibilities to my dc, and I made a commitment to DH...so maybe I just have to see it through...

sorry for rambling..its hard to put it all into words....there is more stuff too...but that is the gist of it!

What job does your husband do? Does he like his work?

What does he think of ur job? If he dissaproves of ur 'hobbies' like the dogs swimming etc does he not dissaprove of ur job? Maybe he wants u to stay at home n do absolutely nothing for urself (just look after kids) until he gets home frm his work? (thats wt mine wants n thats wt im currently doing n its driving me crazy, i took my kids to the local childrens centre recently n he had a moan abt that, mine literally wants me to stare at the walls n not move i think) back to u, i think u should carry on getting out as much as u can n ignore his moaning because if u keep giving in, hel start to take the piss (like mine is currently doing)!

Is it just a culmination of having been married 13 years, having 6 kids (that would grind most people down tbh - simply the sheer practical work involved, cooking, shopping, laundry, and also the family dynamics) and now you're worrying about how you'll perform back in the workplace?

I agree that having a job will help - it'll get you out, meeting people etc but at the moment you're understandably anxious about it.

Sounds like a rut to me. Maybe a deep one, but nothing you can't haul yourself out of.

Try to think positive