The nosey mother again - shes going batshit

[andnowthewait]

I just cannot deal with this.
I have not contacted her.
She called me twice yesterday and i did not pick up.
I was in the middle of cutting the grass and the second time in the shower as i had friends coming over later in the evening.

I got a text from sister at 8.30pm saying cuold i call mum urgently as mum had been on the phone to her going batshit because i wont pick up the phone to her. She wanted to have DD for me ( am having hair done and sister is having her) and mum is also going mad about that.

I cant even be bothered to argue with her, there is no point anyway. I was thinking about doing a letter, but again. No point.

I actually just want her to leave me alone for a bit. i dont want to talk to her.

But i feel bad that sister is getting all the ear ache in leiu of me.

So leave it. Keep ignoring.

I understand you feeling guilty but if its not your sister getting the earache its you. Don't be a martyr.

This is why you ended up in the position of being scapegoat #1. Are the older one? or the slightly nicer one? For whatever reason you have fallen into the role of being the one who takes the brunt of it.

I'm sorry but its every man (woman) for himself in this situation. You mother has some kind of mental health issue and if you are not going to deal with it as a family unit then you will have to deal with your end of it yourself. You don't give into your mothers' demands - so she harasses your sister. What your sister does about that is her problem, to be quite frank.

I know it sounds harsh but you either continue the same pattern or you do something different. The something different will probably work in the end but it won't necessarily be easier or quicker than giving in.

im the eldest and the one who will always give people a second chance- but ive kind of reached my limit.

Knowing that shes calling my sister and going mental at her, becuase i wont talk to her just makes me even more reluctant to talk to her.

Apparently she is still playing the ' i did nothing wrong' card and bleating on about how very upset she is.

The apparently shes fuming because she wanted to take dd out for the day and im being selfish an ruining her plans. Shes never mentioned this to me at all.

i just dont want to talk to her at all Sister said she ended up telling her to fucking shut up and listen.. because she just totally goes off on one.

I just cannot be bothered with that anymore.

maybe i might just text her to say that i dont really want to talk to her at the minute but will call her when i want to. Then just leave it a few more weeks.

good idea?

well if it were me I would tell her why I was breaking contact with her.

So I would say that you cannot deal with her constant intereference in your life and that you can only continue contact if she is willing to accept the normal boundaries of a healthy mother/daughter relationship.

but i know that she wont listen and it will just turn into a screaming match.

and i cant be doing with it. I do not want to be screamed/shouted at. and i dont want to have to be firm then hang up on her and then deal with the fall out from that.

Don't text, she'll only reply!

Just don't contact her for a bit.

its already been over 2 weeks.

Just leave it. And change the locks on your house and your garage (you are the one with your brother's stuff in your garage, right?)

yes, she is.

just leave it OP.

Totally agree with mrsboogie. I'm sorry for your sister but she needs to learn to tell her mother she is not prepared to get involved in her disagreements with you. You're both her family, she shouldn't be expected to take sides, is a reasonable approach. If you can talk it over with her and present a united front, so much the better. But you should not be guilt tripped into accepting an earful from mother because otherwise your sister will get one. Ideally neither of you should be subjected to this.

You managed seven years non-contact before, didn't you? And somehow you survived, as did your mother and sister. Two weeks is unlikely to do lasting harm to any of you.

If you really want to communicate with her, write a letter to set out clearly and calmly why you are not contacting her at present and how the relationship has to be in the future, it it is to have a future.

Once you've written it, leave it overnight and then re-read it. If needs be, change it and then send it.

Keep it calm, on the point, factual and with a positive note - how the relationship will be conducted in the future. Don't list acres and acres of things she's done wrong in the past, just deal with topics rather than individual events.

My mother was the same,.
Best way of dealing with it is try and ignore it.
Worked for me.

Taking sides is dangerous in families. I know. Been there.

Don't call her. This is all part of the problem.

Your mum wants to know what is going on in your life and you won't play the game, tell your sister you will not phone your mum and don't be made to feel guilty - the taking DD out thing is probably a carrot being dangled to make you phone.