My mother, my sister, and the abuse of power.

[colditz]

7 years ago, my parents split up, and my dad left to live with another woman. My sister was 13 and my brother was 18.

To say my mother was devastated is an understatement. She Did Not Cope, she very pointedly Did Not Cope. She drank too much and blew money for bills on clothes and holidays.

My father left her with the entire house, with a market value of £160 grand and a mortgage of £30 grand left on it.

She sold the house, as she couldn't pay the mortgage, and moved into a slightly smaller house, ignoring my advice not to buy an old house as she has no DIY skills and little income. This was 4 years ago. She made enough money from the old house to pay for the new one free and clear, and to clear of the mortgage.

However, because she mismanaged the finances and wouldn't tell anyone what was happening, she got herself into debt and re-mortgaged the new property. Then she couldn't pay the mortgage, and the house was nearly repossessed. Mother is still drinking heavily. Her father dies.

Still with me?

She remortgaged it again, this time with a rather dodgy firm, basically the only one that would give her a mortgage. And of course, she couldn't pay that one either.

So then my brother, at 23, and my sister, at 18, and my mother are all facing eviction and homelessness ... until my brother and mother come up with a Cunning Plan....

he and my sister 'bought' the house from my mother, taking out their own mortgage and enabling her to pay of the one she couldn't pay.

Now, at 20, my sister is VERY unhappy. She feels trapped into a mortgage on a house she didn't want and has never liked, she is still treated like 'the irresponsible teenager' despite paying half the mortgage every month, she had to pass up a training opportunity that would have dig her out of her shitty shitty pot washing job because she couldn't afford the cut in wages, she drinks and takes low level amphetamines constantly "Because I cannot fucking bear my life otherwise", and all mum can moan about is that my sister 'gets drunk all the time and bangs around in the kitchen at all hours, she's so inconsiderate!'

I have tried to point out to mum that she cannot lay down rules as in this situation she is the tenant and my sister owns the damned house, I have tried to help my sister find a better situation but to be honest, her problems are far more than I know what to do with.....

Add to this my brother and sister's volatile and sometimes violent way of interacting with each other. Blood is drawn, screaming and threats happen, and ...

Oh God, it's all such a fucking mess. I'm very worried about my sister's mental health, I am worried about my mother's inability to see my sister as an autonomous adult, I'm worrioed about my brother, if my sister fucks off and leaves him with a mortgage he cannot pay ...

Mother is so difficult to reason with. She will not see that she has basically stolen her daughter's life to bail out her own life.

My sister is SO angry that she once told me that if mum had a heart attack she would pretend she hadn't noticed until it was too late. She fills the house with her friends and drinks constantly.

My brother is so frightened of losing control he attempts to intimidate my sister into doing what he wants her to do.

Help me to help them, please help me to advise at least one of them...

jesus, mammoth, sorry!

Geeze - what a shame you Mum has gone from a small mortgage and lots of equity to this situation. They all sound very unhappy to me.

Your Mum must have some income so surely she is contributing something towards mortgage by way of rent? And if not maybe she could? Would that be enough to help your sister fund some training (such a shame she had to cancel).

Oh my god, Colditz. Your poor bloody sister. And btother.

It is completely unreasonable that your mother has selfishly hijacked your sister's life.

If your sister and brother bail on the mortgage, then they will be screwed to get one for themselves. But to be honest they cannot live theer any more all together can they?

I think (easier said than done) that your sister and brother should sell up, and everyone get somewhere to rent by themselves.

But poor you though, stuck in the middle of this.

I don't think my sister is actually capable of training at the moment. She is hanging onto her sanity by the skin of her teeth.

Sometimes I think that one day I'm going to get a phonecall, and it will be the police telling me she's gone mental and killed all of them and herself.

I offered t have her live with me when she was 15, but she wouldn't. for all the pressure she was under, she enjoyed the freedom of doing as she pleased as long as she didn't rock the boat.

My brother doesn't want to sell up, he likes the house and I think he had some say in whether or not mum bought it. he considers it his house. He decorates how he pleases and consults nobody (not that anyone else cares) on anything like that.

I don't think my sister has even read the mortgage she signed. My mother maintains that she signed it so she must have been happy with it - and ignores me when I point out that to sign a mortgage aged 18 or your mother and yourself and your brother will be homeless is a mortgage signed under duress. My sister maintains that she was so depressed she doesn't even remember signing it, and remembering what she was like 2 years ago, I believe her.

tell them to sell

pay off the mortgage and restart their lives

if they get some equity from it then they have a start if not then they're like most other teens

they need to get out from under and your mother needs to sort her own life out

What a vile situation for everyone. I think the key to this is disentangling the financial responsibilities. If I were you I would attempt to arrange a family meeting and try to involve a mediator - a third party such as a family friend, or better still a friend who is a financial adviser. I would propose that the current situation cannot continue, as your sister (and brother too) cannot get on with their own lives if they are supporting a mortgage on a house for your mother. The house should be put up for sale so that the mortgage can be cleared and in the meantime, your mother and whichever children wish to live with her should find rented accommodation. Your mother will object - tough; your sister and brother deserve a life of their own choosing. Good luck.

I'm a little frightened of the hysteria this will produce in my mother ("I cannot believe none of you care that i am homeless now? how on Earthdid I manage to raise such selfish children")

My brother will cave instantly. My sister will disengage and start drinking. i will try to make her behave and speak rationally by spouting facts.

But she will not accept that they don't have a responsibilty to her, and until she does she can keep that pressure on to make sure they never act in their own interest.

I don't know how to challenge her. I just don't.

Should probably add that if I don't stop talking when mother starts crying, my brother will start shouting roaring, threatening and throwing things around.

I think your sister has nothing left to lose, she should tell them that she is no longer prepared to live there or pay the mortgage and she signed it under duress. If your sister moved out could they get in a lodger?

Sorry that sounds awful but she stop paying anything, save up enough to rent a room in a shared house and let them sort the mess out financially.

This is where the third party comes in - if there is someone you all know who would be willing to act as a mediator, avoiding all the old family dynamics and working hard to take the emotion out of a financial discussion, that might help.
You seem to be most worried about your sister. If she wants out and your brother/mother won't let her, and they won't listen to you, maybe you should encourage your sister to walk away from the mortgage and to write to the lender telling them she was coerced into signing the loan application. Harsh, but it may be her only way out of a dreadful situation. Your brother and your mother will have to stand on their own two feet.

Do you think asking them all to come out with me would help?

Inviting them out might mean they keep their emotions under control (unless they have no embarrassment about screaming and throwing things in public!). Sounds like a good idea - suggest lunch (less likely to have drunk too much half way through the day?).
Remember though that you too have a life and there is only so much you can do for your family - they have to help themselves too. It must be so depressing to watch it all from where you are, but you are not them and they are not you, so be sure to make time to focus on your own life too.

Did she sign it under duress? Did she want to sign it? If she signed it under duress she'll need legal help to get out of it. If not, could your brother get a mortgage to buy out her share?

I don't think my brother could afford to buy her share.

i don't know if she just signed it to keep the peace - I know she saw it as their only option.

They have both been conditioned to accept that mother's needs are the family's needs, that, in fact, mother is the only person who gets to say what is a need.

Mother's need to live in that house is a need. My sister's need to not live with mum is NOT a need, apparently that's "She's just being irresponsible"

My sister will not vocalise to my mother or my brother that she wants out, she doesn't see the point as they have never listened to her.

It sounds like your sister might need some mental health help, or at least addiction help. What a very sad state of affairs. Is your Dad involved in your lives at all? Could he help in any way?

he would get it wrong. his preferred helping method is to charge in and criticise.

My sis has a counseling appt this week at some point and I really hope she keeps it.

Colditz, how horrendous for you - and for all concerned.

Your brother sounds like a bit of a lost cause for now, tragically, but you're right about your sister - she was coerced and it is ruining her future.

I agree she should just quit. This will probably mean mum & bro turn against her (but haven't they already?) - could she cope with that?

If she hasn't got anything of value yet, being young, she may be well advised to become bankrupt so the mortgage company can't chase her for her share. How about going to see the CAB for money & legal advice?

Oh god colditz, what a nightmare. I agree that the best thing is to try a mediator of some sort but your sister needs some counselling before hand so she doesn't just back down and agree.
Can you help her arrange an appt with CAB to see what she can do if they do sell up?
I wouldn't worry about future mortgage tbh, if the house gets repossessed then that would, in thsi case, help your sister out from this situation, renting for years is still better than being stuck in the house for that long imo.

Much sympathy though, delaing with this must have you in bits.

It sounds like your primary concern should be (and is) your sisters mental health. Are you in a position to have her to stay with you now? Even if it was just for a week or two so that she gets some immediate respite from the pressure she is under.

If that is at all possible I think it would be a good starting point. Once she can think straight is she likely to be receptive to the idea of getting help with the drinking? You say she is starting counselling which seems to suggest she is aware issues need addressing. It may be that all she really needs is a little encouragement and not to feel like the wieght of the whole bloody world is on her shoulders.

If drinking/drugs are, as you indicate, a problem she is likely locked in a cycle of hopelessness. If you can help her to see she is not stuck with this situation that ought to help her enormously.

In the longer term the financials need to be disentagled but realistically that is only going to be possible through a third party. Do you have a family friend that could assist? It is too bigger and risky a task for you as the sister to take on.

Good luck and I really feel for you.

Bloody hell - what a complete nightmare for all of you. Out of Irishbird's options, I really think 4b) is the only one which will regain some sort of life-control for your siblings. Your mother will have to rent a flat - if they sell the house, will she be technically homeless (as in more of a chance of council/HA help)? It will be a complete nightmare, but the only long-term solution I think. It doesn't sound like things can just tick along as they have.

And where the frack is your father in all of this? Or has he moved on so much he doesn't care about you all?

I would contact him and ask for his help. He needs to help his children out of this mess.

He may no longer be connected to your mother but he has children he needs to help out.

The idea of getting dad involved appeals - regardless of his critical style, he needs to know that his children are suffering and need his help. Send him an email or a letter telling him what's going on and what you think needs to happen and see if he will offer to help maybe by assisting your sister financially in a rented place or whatever. Don't let him off the hook - a dad should be helping to sort this out and if he won't then feel free to tell him what a tosser he is.