Advice needed on resuming physical side of relationship after partner has been unfaithful

[CDUK]

Background in a nutshell....DP had long drawn out emotional affair by text/phone followed by a one-off meeting with OW involving sex. He says he regretted it as soon as it happened

I found out. We've been going to Relate. We both want to make our relationship work (been together 15 years).

Problem is, although we are at the stage of hugging and holding each other I'm scared about the next step. We have kissed a bit but I'm scared to get to the stage of real emotional kissing let alone moving on to sex.

In the back of my head I keep thinking about the last person he kissed/slept with was her. Wondering if he'll be comparing us.

I'm scared I'm going to get hurt again so maybe thats why I'm holding back?

Anyone been here? What helps?

No advice to offer, but just to let you know I'm watching with interest. Got similar problem myself after dh's emotinal affair.

Hello, sorry that you are going through this, in a similar situation. Only thing that helps is time, it does grow less painful and also the fact that I know it was a mistake and that he feels terrible about it.

OW was my best friend and sober when she started to give DH a BJ - he was drunk, we had been to a party and OW was babysitting.

He stopped it. I was furious when she told me and wasn't sure if I could forgive DH. Not sure if I have to be honest.The first time you have sex is the worst and half way through I just wanted to hit him or cry - it gets better. Keep talking and having quality time together and eventually you will be happy again to hug, kiss etc. Good luck with it all. Some men are fools but may deserve a seconf chance.

I'd make him go get tested for STDs before resuming the physical relationship. If he really loves you he will do it.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to know that he is infection free.

Don't rush into the physical side of things. You will know when your ready, and your partner should be able to wait.

If you're anything like me you won't shift the image of your DP and her for a long time, and even when you do, it can still sneak up on you years later. I think it's best to move on of course, but I won't ever forget. I have forgiven but it was 4 ish years ago and I can still think of it at times.

Do you fancy him still? That's how I did it I think, plus of course the lying git two timed us both for a while so I suppose I didn't stop sleeping with him for a long long period.

Have some wine and take charge of it. I'm not being facetious-it worked for me.

I think you should keep the thought of getting hurt in the forefront of your mind until you've worked it through,-it's your head and heart's way of telling you to look after number one.

ooh, calling him a lying git really shows my forgiveness doesn't it!

Thanks all. I'm sorry so many people have been where I am now though.

The irony is we had a pretty good sex life before all this.

I guessed that time would help but its all the stuff I have to go through in the meantime -I wish I could fast forward x months/years.

re: quality time togethr -our Relate counsellor has told us that for the next few weeks we are to spend the money we'd normally be spending on our Relate session on going out and doing something (child-free) together. We can then go back and review if needed.

One of the things I'd advise your DP to do is to make two lists that he shares with you. One is all the things he loves about you, from the profound (great mother, good friendship skills, integrity etc) to the trivial (your facial expressions). The second list should be about what makes you sexually attractive to him - not just what you do in bed, but the way you smell, what you say, how you kiss, how you look.

I don't know if you've done stuff like this already in your own chats or through the counselling, but I thought I'd share this with you because my H did this voluntarily and instinctively (without actually writing things down) in one of our early conversations post-discovery. It made such a difference to me, because like you, our sex life had always been pretty good and yet my esteem was on the floor at that point.

You don't say how much you have asked, or been told, about the sex with OW, but everyone seems to have different needs about this. The general rule is - if the betrayed partner wants to know, they should be told, even if the unfaithful partner is embarrassed, ashamed or thinks it's too hurtful to reveal. For some people, it seems the more they know, the worse the images, whereas for others (like me) knowing everything actually helped.

Even when you get to the point when your intimacy is better than ever, you will still get intrusive images at times, but they really do lessen.

Thanks for sharing that WWIFN.

I've asked a lot about what him and the OW texted and talked about, about whether she was anything like me (character-wise) etc but I've not asked about the sex.

In everything else I've wanted to know every detail but I wasn't sure whether a) I wanted to know or b) whether it was weird of me to want to know about that side of things.

In one of my mini-rants after finding out I think I said something about "and I bet the sex was better than with me too" and he mumbled something along the lines of "I wouldn't be so sure about that". That's all that's been said.

Hmmm...I think in these long and drawn out emotional affairs, what tends to happen is that both participants "talk a good job" when it comes to the sex. Invariably, the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy and it's actually a massive disappointment. In your situation, if it only happened once, I'd guess that might have been the case here too.

Like I said earlier, only you know whether you want to know and whether it might help you, but it certainly isn't weird to want to know. It's perfectly normal. Given your DP's reaction, it sounds as though this knowledge might actually help you and at the moment, it's like the elephant in the room.

I'd suggest you get to a place where you feel strong enough to hear about it all - and insist that your DP tells you the truth. I remember my DH saying (there were 2 occasions in his case) that the sex was really poor, but that the illicitness of it naturally lent eroticism to the encounter. I could understand that, too. Also, because I knew my H so well and sex had always been good for us, I knew why the sex hadn't been good for him with OW - and that he was telling me the truth about it.

What helped me was that they hadn't engaged in any act that we hadn't - and although the OW kept asking for comparisons my H resolutely refused to answer any questions about our sex life. I saw an E mail from her once where she complained that he wouldn't tell her anything about his life, other than that our marriage was happy...

So, if you feel you need to deal with this before moving on, just judge when you are feeling strong enough to hear it. You will probably feel awful straight afterwards - and he will feel awful telling you - but often these things are worse in the imagination.

Thanks again WWIFN.

I think your last sentence is so true...."but often these things are worse in the imagination".

I know it won't be easy for me to ask or for him to tell me but I need to know.

I second WhenwillI totally - it is often to do with illicitness and is all really rather crap. My dh had a shortlived affair over 8 years ago with someone who was meant to be a close friend. Apparently the sex was crap - he was just enjoying the attention from someone who wasn't caught up with 2 young kids. She used to ask about me and make comparisons.

When I found out I was totally gutted as I had known all along about her 'crush' on him (she was younger than us my a considerable margin) but had never realised that it would go any further. It was a while before I felt ok to resume normal service but he was great about it, no pressure and we cut the ow & husband (likewise totally shocked) from our circle immediately.

Now I have forgiven my dh, I can speak to the ow without wanting to spit on her & slap her (we still have a few mutual friends but live 100 miles away). I have no concerns about fidelity anymore. We have since had another ds and there have been no similar issues since. I guess I've been more aware and he's grown up and realised that children do demand your time etc.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Thanks buttonmoon for the positive words.

WWIFN - I asked him about the sex last night. I felt ready to hear about it and reminded him that whatever he said couldn't actually make me feel any worse about what happened.

I asked if it had been tender and loving or wild and passionate -he said that it was neither really and went on to describe it as mechanical and disappointing. He said that it just didn't feel right, there was no spark.

He is back in our bed now (from 2 nights ago) but I'm still not ready for intimacy beyond kisses.

Hi CDUK - how are things this week so far?